the dilemma in not reacting when people are really mean

Page 2 of 2 [ 31 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2

Joined: 31 Dec 2015
Posts: 981
Location: Earth

29 Apr 2018, 11:26 am

BeaArthur wrote:

At my last job, being way more intelligent than many of my co-workers was something that drew the ire of a bully. What I did about it: (1) bided my time to get back at her, by pointing out EVERY instance and example of ways she didn't do her job well (behind her back) and shirked responsibility; (2) was very much more restrained in expressing my intelligence, for instance, changed to a simplistic communication style.

Although other employees had the same issues with her, I am fairly confident that my enmity, which she earned, cost her a bonus. So, she who laughs last, laughs best.

^^^...that's pretty much how bullies do to bully. They think they are more clever and criticize the bullied behind their back until everybody agrees the person is incompetent. And when they succeed, they say, see, how I am clever? I destroyed someone.

I would never do that to anyone. This behaviour is extremely destructive in a company.

BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,798

29 Apr 2018, 11:41 am

Well, I beat the bully at her own game, and for that, I am not apologetic.

As I see it, she was extremely immature, a woman in her late 30s with a personality style similar to the mean girls of middle school.

No sympathy here.

_________________
A finger in every pie.

LaetiBlabla
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Dec 2015
Posts: 981
Location: Earth

29 Apr 2018, 11:45 am

What did she do to bully you?

fifasy
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,264
Location: England

29 Apr 2018, 11:57 am

I might be completely out of my depth here but could eye contact be a factor?

If you make eye contact for less than 2 seconds when you encounter someone they can see it as rude and quickly become aggressive sometimes. If you maintain eye contact for longer than 5 seconds it can be seen as threatening.

Gary Numan a musician who was big in the 80s with his hit record Cars believes counting when he makes eye contact has got him into less difficulties with people.

LaetiBlabla
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Dec 2015
Posts: 981
Location: Earth

29 Apr 2018, 12:29 pm

How much eye contact should you count and how often?

BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,798

29 Apr 2018, 12:37 pm

LaetiBlabla wrote:

What did she do to bully you?

Well, your question makes me feel defensive, and you've already identified me as the bully, not the bullied, so I'm not going to answer it.

I offered this anecdote as an example of how taking your time to react to meanness is not always a bad thing.

_________________
A finger in every pie.

LaetiBlabla
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Dec 2015
Posts: 981
Location: Earth

29 Apr 2018, 1:42 pm

^^^Never mind. I'm very grateful for your detailed example. Thank you.

fifasy
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,264
Location: England

29 Apr 2018, 1:49 pm

LaetiBlabla wrote:

How much eye contact should you count and how often?

I'm not sure but I've been following the 2-5 seconds rule with strangers I walk past on the street on uncrowded streets and with people serving me and it seems to make me feel less nervous around people and unless I'm imagining it people are being less unfriendly in their facial expressions and body langage with me than when I used to make quick glances at them.

LaetiBlabla
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Dec 2015
Posts: 981
Location: Earth

29 Apr 2018, 2:09 pm

2-5 seconds, it is long!

I can't do more than 1/4 second even with people I know.

fifasy
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,264
Location: England

29 Apr 2018, 4:12 pm

LaetiBlabla wrote:

2-5 seconds, it is long!

I can't do more than 1/4 second even with people I know.

Is that because of anxiety, sensory issues, concentration difficulty or another reason?

Maybe it's possible to gradually train yourself to do it without thinking like learning a musical instrument. At first students can't read music and play at the same time without knowing a song off by heart but over time musicians can learn to play without memorisation by reading the notes written. That's because theyve developed their theory and muscle memory to the point they don't need to look at the instrument while playing and have become instinctively aware of where each note is.

Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 77
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,721
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

30 Apr 2018, 3:41 am

BeaArthur wrote:

I am surprised that someone in his 30s is still getting bullied; I view that as more of a school-age phenomenon.

At 56, I was bullied so badly by my landlady and the Police that I moved 1000 miles away, where I could buy a house in an undesirable area. Now, my neighbours may be trying to force me out, and it has taken me almost two years of detective work to figure out how to react with the least risk of escalating the situation.
People say that we create our own reality, and accusing someone of something either good or bad will often change their behaviour to match if they were not committed before.
If you are walking through the jungle, you may see a Tiger's forgotten tail dangling from a branch. If you ignore it, you might be able to pass safely, but if you look up and lock eyes with the Tiger, it will pounce instantly.
Another thing that worries me a great deal is that the instructions for how to react are unisex, but people's reactions are anything but. Men can be attacked for having any feelings at all.

Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 77
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,721
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

30 Apr 2018, 3:47 am

Sea Breeze wrote:

Tell them to f**k off. You talk about this fear of escalation, if they really were to escalate which is violence btw, use self defense I mean you got the law on your side for that.

That's a sick joke if a woman is bullying a man in western "civilization."

IstominFan
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Nov 2016
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,114
Location: Santa Maria, CA.

01 May 2018, 9:06 am

Two to five minutes seems to me like an awfully long time to make eye contact as well. It borders on staring.

BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,798

01 May 2018, 9:31 am

IstominFan wrote:

Two to five minutes seems to me like an awfully long time to make eye contact as well. It borders on staring.

That was 2 to 5 seconds, not minutes, that were mentioned.

_________________
A finger in every pie.

LaetiBlabla
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Dec 2015
Posts: 981
Location: Earth

01 May 2018, 10:10 am

fifasy wrote:

Well, I force myself to 1/4 seconds once in a while during conversations, which is already a torture.

Anxiety could be a reason. But I also have to force myself to eye contact (with actors) when I watch a movie (and I am not anxious when I am watching a movie).

Eyes are speaking out too many feelings, you see the soul, the distress, the anger, everything.

I think that lack of eyes contact could indeed facilitate bullying, but lack of diplomacy can also be. As autistic, you often do not realize that you may trigger a war against yourself if you simply say the truth. I learned that others are keen on preserving their reputation (they represent themselves as being always lovable, perfect, efficient, beautiful), particularly at work. If you touch this, you are a dead person, this is workplace assassination.

Page 2 of 2 [ 31 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2

Jump to:

the dilemma in not reacting when people are really mean Post Reply New Topic

the dilemma in not reacting when people are really mean