"Least Restrictive Housing" and adult independence

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Sorry, no. Happy to continue the discussion in open forum, though.

There are adults on this forum who are not living independently. What do you think we can do for them?

I have tried to help, but have failed so far.

We can offer suggestions and encouragement. It isn't a good idea for all to live independently, but I think it's possible for many.

Advice about getting into subsidized housing, dealing with tenant-landlord issues, and self-regulation (like getting sleep, nutrition, and exercise) can all help. Subsidized housing is a huge help for many people with special needs.

I also try to advocate respect for people who have to be on government income support due to inability to work. There are people here who ridicule someone who has difficulty holding a job in a competitive workplace. I try to stick up for anyone getting that treatment.

This is what I want to do....encourage independence.

What I might not know at this point: whether independence would be appropriate for an individual person. I have a tendency to be too optimistic in these situations.

I don't like to see dependent adult relationships. I believe they are bad for all concerned. But....when it is necessary, then the "dependency" should continue, with an eye towards attending to the relationship between parent and adult offspring.

I have seen too many situations where an aging parent interferes with maturation in an adult child so that the parent won't be alone, will have someone to do chores, and so on. Then there are the situations where someone is insistent on holding on to the person's Social Security check for income.

Preventing your adult child from maturing can be as simple as scoffing any time they move in the direction of being a little more independent, or as thorough-going as blocking any attempt to leave the house, socialize, or learn an employment skill.

It's common enough that when we see it, it's at least worth asking if the parent or other relative has an ulterior motive. Even when it turns out they don't, it's worth consideration.

I have a friend who's 34 years old and has no interest - none, zero, zip - of living independently. She's 34 years old and relies on her parents for everything - shelter, food, transportation. She may be eligible for Social Security but her family has failed in applying for that for her. She was in Special Ed when she was a child and may be even intellectually disabled, but she was never tested for it.

It's a shame now that all she does all day is drink beer and smoke weed. So, yeah, her parents have interfered with her maturation and don't encourage independence. Maybe it's like what BeaArthur said - they'll probably just keep her around for chores when they become too old themselves, and keep her Social Security money if it ever comes through.

Actually my father was a little like that. A few years back my dad worked his connections to get me a part time job. During a particularly busy time period I was asked to work more hours than usual. I brought it up with Dad and he through a fit. He shouted at me, called me a pushover and threatened to kick me out of the house if I worked those extra hours. My employers were understanding. Everyone, including me, thought he was nuts.

But now I think he was right.

Dad knew that if I were to succeed in life that I was going to need time to develop a skill and a chance to focus on what I was good at. He gave me these things. Now two years after his death I have discovered I have a talent for day trading, and make a partial living investing the money he left me. More importantly he left me a home in which to build a family of my own. It's all because he had so much of what I needed taken care of for me, that I been able to get as far as I have in life.

Now if only I could give this to all autistic people.

I'm not sure I understand. Your father objected to your working more hours, because he knew that wasn't good for you?

Yup.

My parents got my brother on the hook to look after me after they pass on. The problem with that is that my brother is 20 years older then me and while I'm almost 30 now he's almost 50. My parents are old as it is but if they were to get atleast 20 more years then that would make me almost 50 and my brother and his wife almost 70. They have kids which will be more then grown by then. Whether my niece and nephew will give a crap enough to look out for me is another story but to expect them to is kinda sad on my part considering the fact they almost grew up in my bedroom the way they did used to visit every weekend back when I was in high school.

While there are exceptions, the biggest and most frequent barrier I have to deal with in assisting people with disabilities to become more independent is parents. Even the most caring and loving parents...want to keep their children "safe" and try to micromanage their lives. It is of the few things that still drives me to say bad words and bang my head on the wall. Often parents take these actions "for the good of" their son or daughter. It is disgusting the way parents whine and control and interfere in adult children's lives. I have seen adult children get free of their parental control only after their parents die! And one woman died when she was 64, and her parents were still living and kept her at home her entire life and only let her go out one day a week. I could go on, and on, but I won't.... And yes, they also keep them home to get their social security money, or to take care of the parents. Drives me nuts.

^^^ Right on, sister!