Depression?

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So sorry, you’ve had to go through this. It’s tough for a man because people think it is okay, if you get my drift. I’m just not sure, my husband is a looker and when he was younger he said no girls fancied him, because he felt woody and awkward. When we dated, he had no confidence and I was very surprised. I spent the early years boosting him up. Now women flock all over him and I know he is loving it. Probably making up for lost time. I not the jealous type, but I began to worry, when women started making a claim on him. His communication is not very good with people and some women do think they can take advantage.

I’ve told him all this and insists nothing is going on.

Possible, something else happened, I have to be careful what I say, but if you get my drift. He faked it twice with me in the last couple of weeks. Don’t ask how I know, but I know and he has never done that before. He also only did that once wiping his mouth. All other occasions he has been his usual loving self. I don’t know what to think. I have given him a way out of our marriage if that is what he wants, but he says he loves and wants to be with me. I deeply love him, but I didn’t want to put him under any pressure to stay with me. I could never ever make a man stay with me if he fell out of love with me. I want him to be honest, no matter how much it would hurt.

You sound like a very understanding wife, I think he'd be making a big mistake giving into this temptation but it will be amplified by the fact that he never had this kind of attention prior to meeting you, I suspect there will be a frustrated teenager/young man within wrestling for control of the situation.

Similar thing happened with my wife who had no confidence whatsoever when I first knew her, I gradually built up her self-esteem to the point she began receiving attention from elsewhere and she eventually left me and our children for somebody else. This might just be a sexual attraction and nothing more but that can still be a deal breaker for many people and if that's the case with you then you can't go against how you feel.

I guess there's always the danger that you could push him into it by being so understanding, he'd feel less guilty if he thought you were giving him the green light. It is a tricky situation and I do feel very bad for you. Just hope it works out.

So sorry to hear about your heartbreak Lost Property, you did a lovely thing, shame she didn’t appreciate you for what you did for her.

He knows I love him. I can cope with crushes, just not cheating.

We’ve been together for 18 years, we have been down this road before. He likes that new feeling (hormones) that you get when you meet someone for the first time. He admits he can only feel that, but nothing once the dopamine has worn off. Something that I read is lacking is some Aspergers people.

This may not have as much to do with Aspergers as it has to do with savoring the attention of someone with potentially romantic or erotic overtones.

There is much that can go on in the mind that produces effects similar to actual adultery. There can be an indulgence of unrealized fantasy that produces effects similar to drug use. There is an article here that touches on it;

http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchieve/blog138.htm

If your husband is receiving flattering attention at work that seems to be drawing him into his reverie, you can either attempt to compete by making him feel more flattered at home, douse him with reality by criticizing the object of his attention, or do nothing and hope his season of infatuation will pass without his attempting to take it further.

Since it sounds like his situation is similar to a drug abuser or alcoholic, you may want to visit an Alanon meeting ad see what suggestions others might have.

Interesting, I will look at the site. There are other issues. His parents neglected him. They are lovely people, but were unable to see to his needs so he was left to his own devices, he was never taught anything about relationships etc. They were too busy with their own lives, they hardly ever talked as a family. I’m not allowed to talk about our relationship, not allowed to have feelings, he can’t cope with any of this. I always have to smile and be in a good mood all the time. If I don’t he will smile at the next attractive lady. I feel part of this, is control on his behalf, if I don’t give him constant attention he looks to other women. We have talked about this too, but he says he is showing the world he is happy, but he is only doing this to women.

He likes women to adore him constantly, this I know is a low self esteem issue. He does get obsessed with women. It’s like a special interest. These women feed his ego. I don’t know how far he would go with them. I’m have my boundaries with him, both the same, so he doesn’t feel it is unfair.

I’ve explained and so has our therapist that, when people work together, they are on their best behaviour. And he won’t see their dark side. He prefers women to be nice to him all the time, as I explained above. He has admitted in the past he does live in the fantasy world. Preferred porn to sex etc. I believe he probably only likes sex with women he hardly knows. He had a long term relationship before me and they rarely had sex. I’ve worked on our sex life because I’m very sexual, he is very willing.

Perhaps the Alanon will be useful, I will look into this also

Many thanks for your insight.