Living in an institution

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Hello StarTrekker, it's not easy, is it? And to complicate matters even more: I find being touched very difficult. I am not aggressive to other people, as long as they don't touch me. But when they are trying to hold me, I may start kicking and biting. In the past, in mental hospital, this has caused me problems, behaviour like that used to be a one way ticket to solitary confinement.
I really hate myself for it, I find hurting other people horrible.
But where I live now it's much better, they just carry on with the day program and they don't sit on me or turn my wrists like the police and psychiatric nurses do.

I hope yoga is going to help you. My psychiatrist once sent me to a fysiotherapist to learn how to relax. I went there once, and it was so stressful for me, that my mum said I won't take you there ever again!

Hello Ezra, wouldn't you rather continue living with your parents when you go to college? Going to college is already a major change without moving out.

I tried both at the same time, and I didn't last 6 weeks at university before I was sectioned into mental hospital.

My parents, and after mental hospital the carers from my group home where I lived then, went to uni with me. I never got past the second year, but I really enjoyed it.

If I were you (or if I could do it again), I would certainly go to college, but I would want to remain living with my parents.

Ezra: would you miss your parents should you go into a residential care facility?

I would agree with what Arctic Skua said. Maybe you should stay home. I bet your parents and your cousin wouldn't mind it at all.

Arctic Skua you make a really good point. One major change at a time is a good idea.

I think it is really horrible how you were treated in the first institution. I am so happy that you are in a much better place now. People who hurt us do not understand why we do what we do. They do not understand that even what sometimes might seem to be aggressive behavior is not always coming from aggression. That is why I really love when we can share why we do what we do so that we can understand each other better and not hurt one another.

I have never been aggressive towards other people but when I feel trapped and afraid or backed into a corner particularly in conversation or socially, I will become pretty aggressive but I always focus the aggression on myself. I will have self injurious behaviors because I feel that others are hurting me and it is the only way that I feel like I can deal with the pain of others hurting me. I don't really understand why that is but it can become a vicious cycle if others try to restrain me by force or with aggressive language because then I feel like they are hurting me more and so I hurt myself more. I find that if people back off and become more gentle and comforting and supportive in those moments, I can calm down and the fear and anxiety which is overwhelming me can go down. I will stop hurting myself once I feel safe.

As long as your family remains prominent in your life---then it's cool.

Ezra I think doing your first year or two online is a great idea while you get used to living away from your family and get used to a college course load. Doing it online will make the changes less overwhelming. I also think it would be wonderful if after that you could attend the campus as well. It would be a great experience for you. Keep us posted on how it all goes. What will you be studying? Have you decided on a major?

God help me, this thread reminds me of that song by the band Suicidal Tendencies.