Quantum wrote:
AceofPens wrote:
In my experience, most relationships work better when you don't worry yourself with how other people feel about you. My mom and siblings take a similar approach to what you describe - they worry about how to interpret the moods of the people around them and try to rationalize other people's attitudes as if they were solely based on the role that they play in that person's life. It causes them a lot of grief and makes them hostile towards others due to their anxiety. I think the better approach is to focus on what you put out rather than the way that other people are receiving it. I'm bad at interpreting other people's emotions, so I've always just assumed the best of everyone. With that assumption, I focus on whether or not I'm being friendly and helpful instead of focusing on whether other people are doing likewise. If they act peevish or annoyed, I find it confusing, but I don't know how to interpret it, so the best I can do is stick to focusing on my own output. The result is that people treat me very differently from the rest of my family. My siblings are baffled by the fact that the people they think are terrible treat me with so much kindness. In the end, there's really nothing to gain by reacting emotionally to people being people - maybe they're really rude, maybe it's anxiety making you doubt them - in any case, I think that focusing on your own output is the best you can do.
You make very good points. Not worrying about what others think and instead stick to ones ideals. Probably why I become hostile with others, I assume they think negatively of me thus I respond to that percieved "danger" to my integrity.
In some ways beeing autistic is a bliss, one probably is not aware of how others think of oneself. I used to be this way but suddenly became very aware of my social stance. Now I have these problems.
So I will focus on my own output instead of what others think. What should my output be? Should I speak in a particular way? Give compliments and such?
I'm often sarcastic and inconsiderate that never compliments others. Or I'm just quiet. I'm usually not happy or socialible.
Whatever you choose to focus on in your output, it should stem from your genuine personality. I don't think it's necessary to project the stereotypical cheerful, suave front that people usually associate with sociable personalities. I think that you should find the best qualities in yourself and try to encourage their growth - acting like someone totally different will probably just lead to more frustration or burnout. The way I approach the question for myself is by looking at people I enjoy being around or whose personality I find endearing (Bob Ross, for example). Then I look for traits we have in common and try to consciously foster them in my habits and interactions. I also work to suppress negative traits (my bad temper) and address underlying issues that affect my relationships with people (my anxiety). And - this is something I only discovered recently - encouraging a certain attitude towards other people is far, far more effective than trying to formulate tactics to achieve the same effect. I used to obsess over body language and small talk formulas like compliments, and I guess it worked to a degree, but it was harder than simply fostering the best attitude and letting it manifest naturally. That leads to more frequent errors, since social skills are lacking, but I think in the long run its more sustainable and attractive to other people since it's genuine.
Personally, I think sarcasm is a fine trait if it comes with the right attitude. I'd wager that if you look for examples of people you like to be around, plenty of them are sarcastic. My models often are. So don't stress about being a stereotypical socialite - heck knows we have enough of them. Just be genuine, and if most people don't share your tastes in ideals then at least you have the benefit of enjoying your own company because you've come to resemble the people that you admire.
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I have not the kind affections of a pigeon. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
08 May 2019, 10:16 am
