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Problems with understanding what "friends" are.

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ezbzbfcg2
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01 Jul 2019, 4:38 am

Many of us don't really know what true friendship is, at least not the way NTs experience it among themselves. What OP is calling "friends" are probably more like real-life familiar and friendly acquaintances.



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01 Jul 2019, 12:39 pm

Are you there for your friends? I have read what you expect of them. I constantly refer back to the annoying phrase, "if you want a friend, you have to be a friend."

Personally, I suck at friendship. I have four friends: 1. Karen-we met at the top of the monkey bars in Kindergarten 2. Elena-we met over lip gloss on the playground in 4th grade 3. Natalie-we were mutual outcasts in 7th grade 4. Lisa-our moms were both whores (we were both like Pearl, in the Scarlet Letter). 5. I should mention my friend Marla, but she's dead.

These are the only people I really consider my friends. Anyone else, I'm unwilling to be there for. Since I know I'm unwilling to be there for anyone else but the above, I have no concern for any other acquaintances.


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01 Jul 2019, 12:52 pm

SuSaNnA wrote:
Problems with understanding what "friends" are, and what they should or shouldn't do.

Recently, I was feeling very unhappy because my real life friends won't give me likes on my facebook posts. (Such as artwork and videos)
I was angry at them, so I lashed out my anger and blamed them for not supporting me.

Then a real life friend said that friends are different from fans, and I shouldn't ask for my friends to do what fans do. (He also said that some friends might become my fans, but not every friend has to)
I then told him that that's very different from what I believed.

I thought giving likes would be easy, and a way to show appreciation.

I also have another issue-- I can't help but see number of likes as a score.
So I felt very pressured to earn more and more likes. I'm really bothered with the number.
People told me that I shouldn't care so much. Theoretically, i know that I shouldn't care so much.
But I can't.

==========

I think I need help, but I'm not sure what sort of help, or where to get this sort of help?


The 'Social Skills & Making Friends' Forum here on Wrong Planet discusses the challenges with friendships.



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01 Jul 2019, 1:04 pm

SuSaNnA wrote:
My online friends treat me way better than real life friends. They care that I exist, they care when I told them I felt sad.
They console me when my anger gets out of control.
Real life people would say absolutely nothing, or even things like "control your anger, this is unacceptable".


When you get mad, how does it show? Do you ever think, once you've calmed down, that telling you "control your anger, this is unacceptable" was actually called for? As in, you got mad in a way that really isn't acceptable and your friends had the right to get mad or upset about it?

Personally, I appreciate friends who can say "stop it" to my face when they think I'm going overboard... assuming that I can agree with them at least most of the time once I've calmed down. I know people who tell me to stop being whiny and such when I get sensory overloads (and this comes from people who know I'm autistic and should know, in theory, what a sensory overload is) and I honestly can't say I appreciate that.



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02 Jul 2019, 7:26 am

SuSaNnA wrote:
I agree. I really don't like facebook.


my folks been trying to get me on facebook for the longest time too ...

firemonkey wrote:
When does an acquaintance become a friend? Can you really be friends with people you only engage with online?


I got people online that I've known for 5 and 10 years and still talk to and keep up with. How's that for an "acquaintance" you speak of??? Literally I just made 11 years of friendship with one of my friends online.



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02 Jul 2019, 9:44 am

I'm 32 and still trying to figure this out. My supposed "friends" always leave me sooner or later.


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02 Jul 2019, 1:06 pm

Oh Yes, been there, done that! I've been encouraged to build on the strengths of small-talk - where we're on a first-name basis. The strengths from experiences with small-talk might just help (in small ways) clarify the notions of friendships.



Joe90
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02 Jul 2019, 2:40 pm

I feel the same. I've never posted any of my skills or talents on Facebook, but a couple of weeks ago I made myself brave enough to post a video of me playing The Entertainer on the piano, and only close relatives liked it.

It's easy to say that friends don't need to like an interesting post of yours, but when I look at what other people post (whether it's interesting or just mundane), they still get lots of likes from all their friends. If a friend of mine posted a good drawing or something on Facebook, I'd like it in an instant.


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02 Jul 2019, 10:14 pm

MagicMeerkat wrote:
I'm 32 and still trying to figure this out. My supposed "friends" always leave me sooner or later.


Welcome to the club. :wink:

JustFoundHere wrote:
Oh Yes, been there, done that! I've been encouraged to build on the strengths of small-talk - where we're on a first-name basis. The strengths from experiences with small-talk might just help (in small ways) clarify the notions of friendships.


Personally, I think the key to friendship is having genuine mutual interests.



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02 Jul 2019, 10:36 pm

firemonkey wrote:
When does an acquaintance become a friend? Can you really be friends with people you only engage with online?


The key component of friendship, for me, is the willingness of someone to spend some of their *free* time relating to "you".
While you don't have to be a friend to reply to a post on a website, an attitude of wanting to be supportive of someone you appreciate is half of the equation.
You just have to hope the feeling is mutual. <shrug>

Part of the problem those on the spectrum often have is the pull between wanting to be supportive of someone and the desire of maintaining personal integrity in terms of being loyal to a personal belief, opinion, an intellectual construct.
Diplomacy isn't the easiest skill for most of us to develop/refine.