Pretending to be normal or being normal without pretending

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In may ways i have the opposite problem.

I appear normal to most due to my normal appearance, dress, and speech (all but tangential due to ASD),
however, I have Asperger Syndrome. Something wrong with an organ in the body called the brain.

And because I have problems with an organ in my body that isn't visible to others, it is hard for people
to get their head around (understand) that i am actually disabled.

I don't try and act normal, i am what i am. I never wanted to be like a normal person any way.
I guess being into music and art, and haven been brought up with an older brother who was NT and who had a sharp intellect, off the wall sense of humour who picked holes in everything i did (bullying). Behaviour that i learnt.

I end up coming across as normal to many, or perhaps just another off the wall musician (which is common among musicians) rather than the weirdo that i really am... lol

I guess my Aspergers is masked by learnt behaviours and well chosen special interests.
As being an obsessive musician is far more acceptable in society than being an obsessive about a really uncommon or interest that is considered uncool such as stamp collecting etc.

Perhaps if i made more effort to mask my learnt behaviours, i would look more like I had a disability and people
would help me rather than just think i am completely normal and don't need help or that when i have meltdowns, then i am being nasty rather than being a neurological reaction.

Yep, i think if i made more effort to wear clothes based on some old grandpa but were perhaps a mix of few sizes too big and a few sizes too small, while finding a more eccentric special interest that wasn't as cool as music or martial arts.

Then people would recognise my disability more and give me more consideration.
instead of saying "he's ok, as he's very capable", which i am in some areas of life, but not other areas.
I would say that having Asperger Syndrome definitely ruined my life. As i simply am no good at relationships / fitting in, in any social circle. and am really crap with employment.

Having ASD It a complete swiz!

If I have asperges, which if I am on the spectrum is the most likely outcome, apart from shutdowns, the rest I really have difficulty seperating traits from my character. It has taken a lot of thinking to do this. As before I came on here I would simply say I am a naturally shy and sometimes withdrawn loner who can come out and be sociable if I have to, but always tends to feel that I don't fit in and I would rather not try to fit in... I did not know I was masking and so I was getting away with many things for years because I was able to do this.
I remember before I came on this site, I watched two Youtube video things by different people about masking and one I watched several times as something struck a chord within me and I knew deep within me that I masked but at that time I could not quite work it all out.
When I joined this site to ask questions.... Well! Wow! No dissrespect to anyone here at all as I love everyone, but befoee joining this site I was a bit apprehensive to join. I was feeling like "I may have asperges but I'm not that bad" sort of thoughts.... I didn't really understand as to be totally honest, I didn't even understand myself! I didn't know that I was stimming but in a less noticeable way or had taught myself after being told off many times not to stim. So when I saw people very obviously stimming it looked odd to me. To me it was like "Why hasn't someone taught them not to do that?" I didn't understand myself. I couldn't tell you when I needed to stim as I had never thought about it... And some of the other traits... Well... It all was as if....
You know the old golf balls that if you take the outer casing off they have elastic in them and they spend ages unravelling? That was like me! I had a tough outer shell that I couldn't see the coiled up elastic inside and when by joining this site the shell came off... Wow! It was a Matrix red or blue pill moment.
I was in a kind of dream world expecting to wake up and find it was all a dream! I think I am still in this dream world now... Haha. I can't find my pillow yet until I am assessed!
Something someone mentioned when I was first on this site was "Many found to be on the spectrum didn't realize how ill they were until they were assessed". (The person may have used toe word "Sick" instead of "Ill"). I think I realize what he means, though because I am either "Me who has always had traits and only just found out" or "Me who has only just found out I have asperges" etc (To be continued when I am assessed... I may end up with something more exotic! Who knows! ). But my thoughts were "Ill? Wat does he mean ill?" As it is difficult to work it all out.

I want the assessment to come soon so someone works it all out for me! Haha! Saves me trying to fathom things out myself. But the results have to make perfect sense to me as if they don't I will spend half the rest of my life still trying to fathom it all out in my mind, and I don't want to do this. I want to understand it all correctly so my mind says "Yes, ok. That's how it is..." and I can put the mental churning over the subject at rest. I know that if it is a result that does not sit right in my mind, I will spend years of mental processing trying to figure things out on why they don't fit the diagnoses. I hate the concept, as I need a mental conclusion that helps and not hinders me...It is why I am nurvous about being assessed, and I know I need to be assessed as otherwize I will be mentally assessing myself for years to come and that is not nice as it means my brain will be churning away for years!

Haha. I almost feel that it could all end up like that lady who went to the doctor saying that she hurt all over. The doctor said to show him so she pointed to her arm "Oww!" She pointed to her leg and other parts of her body... "Oww!"
The doctor diagnosed that she had broken her finger!

So me going for an assessment could end up like that. Ummm.

Thank you, MountainGoat.

I just wonder if I would be able to handle all the everyday things necessary to run a household.

For some of us there's a third alternative: Find an idiosyncratic niche where you don't have to pretend to be NT in order to succeed. (Of course, even in the best such situation one will still have to "mask" in the sense of behaving appropriately to the situation, but this is much less arduous if one isn't also pretending to be NT.)

This is one of the main reasons why we need a bigger, more organized autistic community than now exists -- so that more of us can also have more autistic-friendly workplaces and be able to focus on productive work rather than on pretending to be NT.

It is possible to go it alone and still achieve success in love and a career. It takes a dogged determination and the ability to navigate the minefield that is life. It can be done.

It has never been easy. Some of it got routine but never easy. I did it well enough that people thought I was different but not an alien. As one ages it is normal to slow down. I slowed down much more then normal mentally and physically. The years of masking had caught up with me. Now I can only do it for short periods of time and only when I really want to interact.