Removing The Masks?

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I want to reduce my masks and need the script (words) to do so. My ASD therapist is suggesting some for me. For example, at work "I am visual so am would you please pull up the image as reference?" Rather than me in a complete panic (mute) b/c I got Nothing without the visual. At home, "I'll be happy to do that after a short break" Rather than me screaming "I'VE BEEN DOING THAT FOR THREE HOURS!! !! !! !!" (and can't do it for 1 min longer.) Lately I'm subject to more meltdowns at home than shutdowns; I'm afraid of that trend at work. Someone at work agreed to be a "check in" in regards to social issues there; I really need to get a meeting on her calendar.

Is not easy is it. Removing masks gradually... Especially when one may not know exactly how or when one is masking in certain circumstances etc.

This article:

http://feelhappiness.com/take-off-your-social-mask/

and many similar ones make plain that there's a definite school of thought that doubts how healthy it is even for NTs to wear social masks excessively, and it suggests that as Aspies we're far from alone on the whole issue. I don't particularly like the style of the article - it's a little too didactic and dummied-down for my taste, and the jokes mostly underwhelmed me.

I'm also disappointed the author simply accepts the notion that we should wear a subservient mask at job interviews, instead of suggesting that even there we'd perhaps be doing society and ourselves a favour if we limited the thickness of that particular mask, or moved it from subservience to more of a "I'm hopeful that we can help each other, let's talk about that" kind of thing, which to my mind should have an element of truth in it, and is only a mask in that it hides the part of the candidate that is thinking "I hope you're not planning to damage my health and make me work too hard and long for insufficient reward, just so you can make a profit off my back and live more extravagantly than I'll ever be able to."

But I don't see it as a bad article, I think it gives a lot of food for thought at least

It struck me that I've always been put off by people who wear social masks that I can see through, and that I've always felt I've let myself down when I've worn one myself, even in contexts where it's very likely prudent to do so. It feels dishonest (I'm a typical Aspie when it comes to deceit), and the article echoes my sentiments very well when it says "It prevents you from connecting with others" - Exactly! And if we're not connecting with others, what's the point being with them at all?

I think we have to be careful to distinguish between masking and merely showing a bit of tolerance and discretion in our behaviour though. I think it's important to try not to act like a jerk, and to be - at least by default - reasonably courteous to people in general. I don't know where society would be if we all impulsively did and said whatever sprang to mind without first considering the likely feelings of others. And I think it can be a fine line between the two sometimes.

I took of a mask that I was wearing for most of my life almost 4 years ago. It was a difficult process, and my mum seems to hate me for de-masking. It was more of a cultural mask but it's the same idea.

I'm pretty deep in counseling at this time.
My process is focused on letting go of a lot of things.
A mask is just a perception created by other people. No sense in considering such a thing.

Maybe there are some things you can do to minimize the mask. Keep some behaviors that are important for NTs to feel heard, respected, etc, but loosen up on other things and allow yourself to be more comfortable.

I think using the stress ball is a great idea. We had a couple guys at my office who were always fiddling with something during meetings, and it wasn't weird. And a stress ball is less distracting than clicking your pen or drumming your fingers, which is what one of them usually did. But again, that was totally tolerated. The other actually had a little stress ball, haha.

I also have started telling people I work closely with or talk to a lot that it's easier for me to concentrate on what they are saying if I don't look at them as much. Most have taken that well. I make sure to nod along and ask a question now and then so they know I am really listening. For those I don't know as well but feel I need to look in the eye, looking at the top of their nose between their eyes usually works.

Another thing is having a sign for your door where you can say "on a deadline - please do not disturb." This helps limit unnecessary in-person visits from coworkers. And since there is almost always some sort of deadline, you can use it as needed.

And I got some high-fidelity ear plugs that are SO helpful if you have a hard time with loud noises. They turn down the volume of the sounds around you without muffling things. You can find them on Amazon or some music stores carry them for musicians (concerts are loud, but you need to hear the music). They are hard to see, and I have never had anyone ask about mine.

I also take bathroom breaks sometimes just when I need to sit somewhere alone for a couple minutes. As long as it's not excessive, people don't question it. You can also quietly stim in there and no one has to know.

I also have "appropriate" stims (like your stress ball) that I do in public, like tapping my fingers.

Anyway, those are some ways I have found to make my life a little easier while maintaining most social norms.

I am quite a bit more "Childlike" in my ways when I unmask. I've noticed that.

Yes, try that! It will feel a little strange for people, since they are used to eye contact as a way to assess if the person listening is actually listening and enjoying the conversation. I find it helps to give them other cues like nodding, asking clarifying questions, etc. Or have an excuse for looking elsewhere, like "I am listening closely, but do you kind if I also organize my desk a bit? I focus better when my things are in order." Or "can we pull up _________ on the computer so I can look at what we are talking about? That will help me visualize it."

Or taking notes is another great way to avoid eye contact. That works particularly well when someone is giving you instructions about a project at work.