Places like this? It took me a while to work out what the "This" is. You mean this site? Yes. This site is excellent. It has helped so much.... All the lovely people on here who have done so much to help. And, through peoples lifes experiences, I find that it has been so much help... Well. Put it this way. If it wasn't for people on this site explaining things, I would have never been able to open up to the autism experts in my locality on an open day... As I would not have been able to ask the right question as I just did not know what I was dealing with myself. And I know that what I am going to say sounds "Odd", but... Well, I have been suffering for all these years without knowing what it was that was causing it, and also going down wrong paths to try to deal with it and correct it. (I am talking about the partial shutdowns and the shutdowns and anxiety etc.).
I knew through most of my life I had issues which others didn't seem to have. But I could never explain things to anyone which could explain my percieved laziness etc... You never guess how much I have been feeling depressed at times when I have physically been trying to force myself through partial shutdowns... Feeling trapped because I can't explain them to doctors or anyone... And having years upon years of blood tests and previous doctors surgery labelling me as a type of hypercondriact, who then started restricting me to visit them once a year or thereabouts, and even then I only had 3 minutes after months of trying to get appointments and threats that I would lose my job if I didn't get a doctor to sign a sick note for just a few days of being off work...
They obviously felt guilty about the way they treated me as both my Mums and my own medical records from when we were children onwards were deleted when we changed to our current doctors. If anything this was a blessing for me, as these new doctors had noting to go on so they started with me afresh. Yes, I went through tests again, but this time I could track progress, as the doctors actually told me the results. I could never seem to get to know the results of tests at the last doctors.
So I was also doing my own research as certain conditions got worse, and new conditions seemed to arrive (Generally related to anxiety though this is me trying to work things out).
And also, God answers prayers. When I changed doctors surgeries aroud four or so years ago, I had been getting fed up and praying prayers like "What is wrong with me?"
Then I started dating a lady via a site I'm on, and then we met etc... Well. A word came from the Lord that she would have a significant bearing on my life. While I only actually saw her about three times (Though these times were about a week at a time when she came to Wales for a holiday), ... Well. You know when something is right in front of you as plain as can be but you may not see it? It was a case like this for me. She has asperges syndrome and her son has autism. And I could see how her son was different. But I cojld not fathom her out how she was different... Other the she was trying to explain how she thought and how her brain worked... Something which was so new to me that I could just not think how my brain worked back then. Oh... Since she initionally mentioned about how she thinks, I had been examining myself so much over a few years since then! I ended the dating because I felt the Lord saying that she wasn't the one for me. At the time I was puzzled. "Then why let us date?" I didn't realize that God wanted to teach me about myself!
And I will say something here, as I've not been assessed yet. If I am not on the spectrum, I have certainly learned about traits I have.
And if I am assessed and found to be on the spectrum I can tell you I have a rather unique and rare quality which I think will come in useful in future years...
I am an introvert who can publically speak. I know I am likely to be internally shaking with nurves, but I know I can do it because I have done it. And I understand now why God has had me go down the lines of firstly dealing with customers in a bicycle shop, and then nine years (A record for me in length of employment) of working as a conductor ((Guard) Not the driver but the one in charge of the train and who checks the tickets etc).. Well. I daily would be very much in a public position. And how? I knew that God was with me and also I masked.
Later I was offered my job back (I had left when I could no longer cope and the Lord had given e a signal via a miracle that it was time to quit), but I knew that it was not Gods plan so I would not have His protection... And with that type of work, I would not think of doing it without Gods protection. It is just too dangerous.
But who would have thought that a natural introvert can publically speak? And isn't that useful? I can speak up on behalf of introverts... A position which I believe is not, or rarely represented. I know I'm a natural introvert because when the masking fails you should see me! And I need time to myself to recharge. I need lots of time to recharge. You should have seen me in school!
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07 Oct 2019, 3:10 am
