Effects of divorce on you?

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Sounds like marriage counseling would be more important for you, your wife, your son, the whole nine yards.

This talk about "Another woman that would make me much happier" is basically you in it to serve yourself; this idea of marriage and "we always figured we'd get divorced" is a withholding of consent. It's common as in frequent, and frequently it comes with people who carry out what you're talking about, common, small-minded pricks. Time wounds all heels. Don't be one.

"Evil is when you start treating people like things." --Terry Pratchett, author.

I would wait till he’s at least a teenager.

What catches your eye about the other woman? Not to be curt, but maybe it's the fact she isn't tired from raising a child on the spectrum. Maybe it's because you haven't seen her at her worst in a 24/7 longterm relationship; maybe it's because she can be idealised as a possible escape for your marital stress.

I'm not criticising you for being attracted to another woman. I just wonder what the attractive elements are. Does she have completely different hobbies and interests compared to your wife? How is her personality and her character different from your wife? You married your wife, so I presume you thought she was "the one" once upon a time as well. Most people aren't that different from one another when the mystique is gone and you are with the person 24/7 in a new relationship. I've been there myself so I'm not passing judgment.

In terms of your son's welfare, the second woman will (rarely - almost never) love him as much your wife does. Likewise, your son will (generally not - seldom) love her as much as he loves his mother. Of course they can build a relationship but it's difficult to do and it will change the dynamic between you and this new woman. Don't forget that despite divorce, you will need to be in daily contact with your exwife for many more years as you negotiate the rearing, decision making, and care schedule for your child. That continues through the child's life when he is a young adult, away at school, getting married, or even becoming a parent himself. You and your current wife will need to cooperate and communicate even at the point you are grandparents. There is a financial concern in divorce (child support payable by one of you to the other), the cost of two homes, the cost of double gifts on special occasions, the cost of childcare and healthcare and education. That is of course beyond the division of marital assets and possibly spousal support for the parent who needs financial assistance.

It's a sticky situation and one I wouldn't take lightly. Most people assume everything will work out fine in a divorce but until they've walked the path of a single parent, they don't understand the emotional or physical toll.

That being said, I'm certainly not advocating that anyone stay in a relationship which is truly unhealthy, abusive, or damaging to any member of the family, children or adults alike.

There's no getting away that a family break-up is going to be disruptive. My parents have not got divorced but my mum was divorced before they met (her ex-husband wanted them to move to Australia together, she wanted to stay and he ultimately decided he had to stay too for the sake of my brother). They got divorced when my brother was about the same age as your son now. He is not autistic but I think it is fair to say in the long run the divorce was the best thing for him.

If you want to do it then here are a few tips:

1) Clarity. No metaphors, straightforward language.
2) Advanced warning. Don't just get up and leave one day, ease him into the idea.
3) Resolve uncertainty. Ideally you should already have answers to the key questions.

Explain to him in clear terms that Mum and Dad are still good friends but they don't love each other. It doesn't change that you both still love him, but you want to love someone else as well.

If he has friends with separated parents (he almost certainly does) then that might be helpful to aid understanding.

Talk to him about how the separation will affect him. Where will he live, and who with? Will he still see both parents, how often and when?

I think those who say he'll be better able to process things in a few years are right, but so are those who talk about the downsides to staying together. You and your wife are going to have to evaluate your own circumstances. Could something unconventional work, like you both living under the same roof with your partners? Probably not, but you're in a better place to judge than me. Is a few difficult months for your son worth it if in the long run he grows up with happier parents? Maybe. This is a judgement call for you two to make. Perhaps a family councillor could help - again, that is your decision - but I don't think our advice on the ultimate question is going to be better than your own assessment.

Thanks everyone. I don't want to get into too many specifics but my current wife has an abusive personality and the new lady isn't capable of being mean. Not that im blameless by any stretch, but reconciliaton isnt an option.

My wife transferred her affections to another man and my young son said it was the hardest thing he'd ever had to cope with in his life. The actual divorce happened 2 and a half years later after the damage was already done, and I don't think divorce made any great difference except to underscore that reconciliation had become highly unlikely. I moved out as soon as she got her new partner. We both assumed it would be unhealthy for us to continue to live together, correctly I think, and apart from her occasionally asking us to do something or other together, which I refused (didn't think it wise or fair on my girlfriend who said my wife was naively trying to play happy families, a reasonable point of view I think).

I think there's a big risk that your girlfriend will begin to feel jealous and threatened by any unnecessary social contact with your wife, and you'd be lucky if the situation didn't turn toxic. Some people can tolerate such arrangements, but I think they're a minority, and that a lot of folks begin by trying to but discover that they can't. Personally I've never tried to expect that of myself. My wife and son moved in with her new boyfriend and later invited her ex-husband (the one she was married to before me) to visit them. It wasn't long before her boyfriend became violent towards her and she and my son then moved out. I wasn't surprised. He hated the man and he hated her next partner.

I feel sorry for couples with kids who have to split up and get new partners, I think the kids usually suffer and that it usually brings a lot of complicated and painful emotional problems to the parents and to the new partners. I see it as the biggest mistake of my life that I had a son by a woman I couldn't keep it together with. I can sympathise with your need for the warmth of a good relationship with a partner but I think you'll be very lucky if you can get that for very long before you get bigger problems than you've got now. You might stand a better chance if you can drop your plans to keep socialising with your wife, but even then it's not likely to be easy.