Popularity, Pretty Privilege and Autism

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I read a study that attractiveness is when a person's face is closest to the average features of the particular (or target) culture, as well as the more widely-known symmetry effect.

In my experience, "pretty" is separate from popularity. A person can increase or decrease their "pretty". "Pretty" can open and close doors. Maybe more of the former, but the latter can be substantial too.

By 2nd grade I learned who was "attractive" (or not) by NT group standards and was influenced by that. Eventually I learned that wouldn't work for me. Now I am interested in underlying values. My friends today are in all shapes, sizes, colors, and other attributes. I find all of them to be attractive, although I could probably identify the ways in which NT group standards would say otherwise.

Case study #1: I was told at a young age that I was "cute" and then "pretty". I smiled all the time. Which came first? "Pretty" did not make me popular, although it did mean I had to navigate sexual advances (esp. from older men). I downplayed my attractiveness to avoid as much unwanted attention as possible. I was otherwise invisible as many ASD girls are. I could not find friends. I was insecure that way. "Pretty" may have opened doors but those closest to me say it sometimes worked against me too --- people would not approach the (overly) intelligent, attractive woman ---- and I didn't approach them. I noticed that less attractive woman were more readily included in my male-dominated classes and workplaces. It was a very "unattractive" (severe, frowning) woman who made director in a sibling organization.

Case study #2: My ASD BFF knew from a young age that she was not "pretty". She frowned all the time. Which came first? In high school she found a cohort of socially "outside" girls. She was secure that way. In her early late 30s she wanted a relationship and decided maybe she was pretty ... enough. She changed her hairstyle, put aside her drab clothing, added some jewelry, started smiling and -sure enough - she was "pretty" and she found her partner. She continues those habits to this day. She was and is lovely to me.

Maybe I need to smile less and my male coworkers will take me more seriously. As an engineer, I am often told I am too caring and pretty. Grrrr. Maybe I can say, well it's a shame engineers have a disproportionate amount of uncaring and ugly people. Open and Close. Ooooooh, wait ------- the NT thing would be to say "I am Pretty and hence powerful, so do as I say..." I really missed the boat on that one.

My children are both "pretty" -- more so than their individual parents (we combined cultures --- created a new average) ---- both my children are ND, but only my daughter is ASD. It will be interesting to see how "pretty" plays out for them.

The benefit of good looks are kinda cancelled out by the awkwardness and detrimental traits that come with autism.

You can't measure aesthetics

However, as a society, certain things are considered more attractive than others

Golden Proportion

In my non representative sample, it appears to me that, attractive men and women have better jobs and are more likely to be married, than unattractive people

However not all things are equal

Not everyone likes the same thing

Many factors determine what kind of job and spouse someone gets. Appearance is just one of them


Not everyone has the same potential

Every situation is different

I think that dating is easier if you're attractive, and especially easier if you're a young and attractive woman. It's not too uncommon for attractive women to break up with their boyfriend and then be dating someone new within the span of a year, and oftentimes less than a year. I've seen it time and time again.

My cousin is this above average but not model tier looking girl with an extroverted personality. Finding new guys to date was extremely easy for her; every thanksgiving, she would always bring a new boyfriend to grandparents get together; there must have been at least 6 different boyfriends, all before the age of 21. She got married at 23, divorced at 28, and within the span of 6 months was already dating 2 new different guys. And this isn't even a model tier looking woman, she's probably a 7/10 on the looks scale but that just goes to show you how easy dating is for attractive women.


Her case isn't that unusual either. The amount of options any young woman at least a 6/10 has is extremely large. That's probably why Tinder sucks for so many dudes is because most women have so many options, that it's hard for average guys and certain below average guys to stand out.

Agreed

Not always. I highly doubt folks like Paige Layle would’ve gotten as popular as they are if they weren’t considered “pretty” or “conventionally attrictive”. Most Autistic women (and autistic people in general, tbh) I know/know of who are in or in the past have been in relationships are in that “pretty” category.

The benefits of about anything are cancelled out by the awkwardness and detrimental traits that come with autism.

I have "detrimental traits and awkwardness" because of my autism.

However, people know that I'm sincere, and that I try to listen to them.

Hence, people like me, despite my "disorder." Especially if they're beyond high school age.

I had most of my problems in high school.

ROTLOL. That strikes me as very funny. Yes, I could name beneficial and detrimental traits for individual human beings. And, yes, beneficial and detrimental are relative truths. ROTFLOL. I think I'm a little punch happy (laughing in the face of stress), or whatever that term is.


True, there were more opportunities for me. Doesn't mean they were the right opportunities. I have been in relationships my entire life (I am extroverted) and my BFF (introverted) was mostly not. Pros and Cons to both circumstances/situations.

I turned up to school with greasy hair and unshaved legs so it's no wonder I was so unpopular.

I didn’t wash that much until I started getting interested in girls…..maybe about age 14.

OMG! I was lamenting my greasy hair yesterday (and most days). Somebody should really do something about that. Was my hair greasy decades ago? I honestly don't remember. I do remember having substantial leg stubble. i could go on and on in experience and musing about its relation to popularity; but since your post was brief I will aspire to that myself.

Being pretty, handsome attractive, beautiful etc, automatically grants you a type of status. But autism is like throwing a 'monkey wrench' into the whole operation. Sure you get peoples attention, but you wont be able to keep it, when they find out how strange you are.

I am pretty but at one point in my life, I gained enough weight that I wasn't considered attractive anymore. It was an interesting experience because there was an unmistakeable shift in attitude from other people, mostly men. I got less attention, people were not smiling as much and didn't seem as eager to please. Attempts at bantering, previously always well received, would be met with a confused look. I lost the weight and it got back to how it was before. Pretty privilege is definitely a thing.

That being said, I don't think I've ever been able to use it for anything substantial. I care about my looks in a sense that I style my hair, do my makeup and wear clothes that look nice, but I've never put much stock in it. I have always been into books, studying for some degree or another, working a lot, pursuing whatever interest has taken hold of me at the moment - those are the things that I'd identify with. I can also relate with the comments about feeling detached from what I see in the mirror.

And sometimes being pretty is not a privilege at all. I'm attractive, female and look younger than my age - that's a bad combo if you want to be taken seriously in a professional setting, especially if we're talking about first impressions. Hyperfocusing makes me a good employee and eventually people start respecting me, but some people have given me a nasty attitude at first. If you're at a job interview and your interviewer is that kind of a person, you're screwed.

I'm fairly handsome. At least that's what others have said.

But uh, my skin can be marred by acne. stress = bad skin reactions i find.

I intentionally downplay my physical attractivity to be taken more seriously.
I aim at esthetically harmonious but largely genderless look.