Excited by conversations rather than people?

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I don't mind being around other people or even living with them if they don't expect me to make small useless talk all the time.
Everything like household duties, preparing and eating meals, and even physical intimacy can be done on an as needed basis, if they just don't demand all my time and will let me read and think.
A good conversation is more than wonderful, it is a precious thing, but doesn't happen very often.
But the dating scene is much more demanding than living with someone. They expect your attention, and how else can you get to know the? The women I have dated more than once, said I exhausted them with "deep" conversation, then married or moved in with me.

I agree with this. I have physical health issues on top of autism so it makes it very difficult to invest in a relationship.

I loved the conversations at times, but committing to another person, especially one I couldn't get excited about, was just too much. Very demanding as you said. Maybe with someone else it would be different, maybe it's me and it wouldn't. I have certainly experienced chemistry with guys in the past but not with an emotional connection. Maybe both is just too much for me.

Honestly, I no longer believe "commitment" is good. I know it sounds crazy, but asking someone to surrender the option of abandoning a sinking ship (me) is absurd. If I love someone, or maybe care for them, or just respect them, I do not want to be responsible for hurting them or increasing the likelihood of them being hurt.

While I, in my war hawk ignorance, was floating off the coast of Vietnam, the peace loving hippies back home were espousing things that I doubt they fully understood - but they were right - Life is a Happening! and Go with the Flow.

Commitment, security, and life itself, are like the slippery bar of soap you never really have a good grip on, so like the hippie's, I prefer to live in the moment and pass the free love around.

I hear you, dude. Hurting others is the worst thing to me, and amazingly more so for those I care for and/or love. That'll be one of the main reasons I've withdrawn from others (there's a few more), which no one would have known, but it doesn't change anything. It would have ended up hurting people too, and that'll be something I carry with me. I don't have any free love to give though (well, it'll be free, but only to those I care for and/or love). So, I live as a loner, with memories and dreams.

I don't know why I'm like this. Maybe knowing what that pain feels like. Maybe I feel too much, so that emotional pain is out of proportion and I don't have the correct perspective on these things (emotional dysregulation).

I fully believe in devotion/commitment though, as that's how I am.

Yep, the issue of hurting someone is a biggie for me too. I feel dreadful that this guy was really invested in me to the point he couldn't be friends. I don't feel capable of taking on someone else as there's no guarantees in life and I don't want to keep hurting people by realising I can't handle a relationship.

Also, I'm tempted to withdraw so I go through my life relatively 'lightly' and don't have to deal with the emotional mess that comes with being close to others.

I agree. I'm living alone and quite happy, although it would be nice to be able to snuggle up or just rub up against someone but the problem I have with commitment, besides fearing I might hurt them, is that it seems like most people have latched onto the idea that if I am committed to them, I have to take their side in all their arguments with other people, regardless of what I believe! I'm sorry but NO, NO, NO! I believe there is a TRUTH, and I'm going to stand as close to her as possible. Matter of fact, SHE is the one I want to snuggle with, though I will settle for less .

I said elsewhere, Marriage is such a beautiful ceremony - I wish we could marry everyone. That is the kind of relationship we should have with everyone. There might be enough love and respect to do that if we can rid ourselves of all competition. Yeah, lost cause, huh?

Concerning free love, I have recently become convinced that the intended purpose of sex was never procreation (that always happens). It has always been to increase the intimacy level on this planet to benefit everyone throughout the biosphere - a subject too large for here. But I now strongly believe in "friendly" sex. It should be at least as common as a pat on the back (not a good illustration but I think you get the idea).

I don't think we are the problem. Most people want more than their fair share. They want the security or guarantee of owning someone. But we are not gods with unlimited resources. Plus, I don't think they worry that much about hurting us.

I still sacrifice, but just for my cat. She does make some unreasonable demands, but I can usually satisfy them.

I'm the same with my dog. I'd do anything for her. She's the best companion so why did I ever think I could need anyone else

I love what you say about wishing we could marry everyone. That's such a beautiful thought, wanting to express that love to everyone and not limit it romantic love between two people. True love is freedom anyway, not holding onto anyone.

I am so frustrated right now! I was reading and enjoying your blog (Reikistar) and thought I would give you a link - but the internet's complexity is blowing my mind - I used to design computers, but now I can't get where I want to go - oh yeah, just remembered I got out of electronics in 1989 - I am so old! - and I still can't get some of these links to work.

It is the conversation that's important, but it doesn't have to be so organized into neat little columns. Most of us probably have a google account and a search function, so I'm going to start making my years of conversation with myself available to you guys and you can make comments or not. I only have one document set up now on public access, but I can add others quickly. Let's go Public

My Secret Life -
https://docs.google.com/document/d/100t ... p=drivesdk

Very interesting thank you for sharing! I could only read some today but will have a closer look soon.