Do you want to ‘come out of your shell’?

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The shell I want to get out of is not "autism" nor "introversion".
I have no interest nor "issues" should I actually genuinely desire it. I get the point but it's just not my priority.

If I crave for my family's "love", I'd already be that perfect daughter/sister/cousin/etc.
If I want someone to be proud of me, I'd be that perfect student/employee/friend/etc...
If I want a romantic/sex based relationship, I'd already worked my way to be that ideal lover/girlfriend/wife/etc..

But I don't desire any of that. I desire no roles to play and pursue.
Nor I have any shell that impedes me from pursuing that role well.

I already tried to be in the shoes of people who desires to be socialized and have friends, who values relationships and validation...
It's just really not me.

No matter how many times I attain and enjoy having any relations to another, it's just not the very thing I crave or cling in life, and definitely something I can live without -- like sex and romance.


It's not even a shell to break. Nor need have -- I don't need "safe spaces" to hide nor need to brave my way out.
And there's nothing for me to break out from.


No, what I want to get out off is that damn fog.
A stupid fog that drenched me heavy, sluggishly stupid, and made me basically half blind and deaf while at it.

Whether it's that stupid brain fog, fogs caused by emotions or whatever obscures insight due to human bias, compulsions and sensations away from control and intention.


Unfortunately, fogs are not "breakable" like shells.
It's not the same as passing the wall of awful like fighting overwhelm and anxiety.

It's more like fighting inflammation.
I need "glasses" or a "flashlight" or a damn "windshield wiper" on auto.
I can't rely on "luck" and pray it passes and goes away on it's own.


It's one thing to refuse to drive, doing excessive checks while at it, or drive too defensively and avoiding routes fearing of crashing.
It's another having to drive without lights and a wiper on in a stormy night or basically drive blind AND regardless of worrying about crashing.

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