How surprised are people to find that you're autistic?

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Same scenario for me. As a person with high anxiety as well, it's a miracle that I don't feel the need to flap or rock or spin. Even as a child I didn't rock or spin, and just flapped a little when I was 4 but flapping isn't uncommon in children at that age and I grew out of it.

I have not yet been diagnosed, but my experience in telling those IRL that I'm suspecting has been somewhat mixed.

A close friend of who's insight I really trust told me that she didn't see it aside from in my sensory issues with food. This was a bit shocking to me. It was right after I joined this forum that I had the discussion with her and it threw me for a loop with doubt.

Others, including my sister, have been the opposite, though. My nephew is autistic and was diagnosed early on and late last year when I expressed to my sister that I may be autistic she started telling me about how that would make so much sense.

When I told my optometrist when she asked if there was anything new, she said she was also AuDHD. When I tell my friends they’re like, “oh that’s why we get along so well.”

I don't have an official diagnosis, but I do believe a couple of people are on to me. It's like people know I'm a bit off or different, most just think I'm a tad eccentric. Some years ago at work, for a time we had someone in another department who was very much openly autistic and was even featured in a company newsletter. Sometime later, I heard through the grapevine that a couple people were comparing me to said person.

Even if I had an official diagnosis, I wouldn't tell anyone and sure as hell would not at work. I got enough problems with people in that place as it is.

If a day ever came where I bravely told people I'm on the spectrum, I know they'd be surprised. I've had a few clues that suggest people don't suspect autism in me at all. Like at work one time the subject of Elon Musk came up and someone said he's autistic. I could tell nobody was looking at me thinking ''you seem autistic too''. I asked one person in the group if he'd met an autistic person before and he said yes, his neighbour's daughter has it. But by reading the room I could tell nobody was thinking about me when autism was being discussed, and I know that if I did go ''by the way I'm on the spectrum'' I could picture them all looking at me going ''really? You're on the spectrum? Really?'' In fact I'd probably get the same reaction that I'd get if I'd said that I'm a man or from China or something.

I remember at my previous job a coworker had a son who was autistic, and he worked there part-time. But he kept having meltdowns from working too much overtime, and when I was asked to work overtime I said that I was worried that I might have meltdowns if I worked overtime, like her son. She said ''yes but he has Asperger's syndrome, or known as autism'', and I knew that the way she said it meant ''he has that, you don't, so you'll be okay doing overtime''. And she was a lovely woman, very caring and understanding of her son, so she wasn't some ignorant NT who had no clue about autism. I could tell the moment was genuine and she really didn't guess that I was on the spectrum, even though I worked with her and she knew I had anxiety.

So these are just clues that I know people wouldn't really know that I was on the spectrum unless they were told. I have a good imagination and pattern recognition, so I just have a feeling that people don't suspect autism in me just by knowing me. And I love it this way.

people would ask me for proof

I hated it when I was a kid and had just met a new child or children and was getting along so well with them and their parents, then suddenly my mother would be like "oh by the way my daughter has Asperger's syndrome..." and their parents seemed surprised but immediately saw a word when they next looked at me instead of just another kid. It really angered me.

It's why it's very important to me now as an adult that people don't know about my stupid diagnosis, because I just love having that freedom of choosing who can know and can't know (if I didn't know them from childhood of course). It's nothing against the person though, it's not like I go around thinking "oh if I tell them I'm AS they won't like me any more" (to which people will irritatingly reply with "well if they don't like you any more then they weren't nice people anyway" because I really hate that advice and it's just more complex than that), some people probably wouldn't even care, but it's not them really, it's how I feel about it and how I'm enjoying the freedom I didn't have when I was a child.

When I was a young adult just starting out, I believed that my diagnosis will follow me everywhere I go and that I'll be forced to disclose to everyone I meet, because that's basically how it was when I was a kid (everybody "had to" know). But I've realised that it is possible to live without telling anyone about an invisible diagnosis if you don't have to, unless it's really, really necessary (like for medical reasons, like in the future if I might need financial support or something). But workplaces do not need to know. All I need to say is I have ADHD and anxiety (which isn't a lie) and that explains my behaviour enough. Adding AS to the mix doesn't feel worth it for me, as I don't lack communication skills in the workplace. I think if you do lack communication skills then people might pick up on ASD. But I don't know.

My father couldn't see any signs of autism. He was born at a time when many/most autistic persons were in asylums. My sister on the other hand rated me more autistic than I rated myself. Looking back I've always had this sense of 'marching to the beat of a different drum', but only started to look into it more in my early 40s.

I don't know whether level of intelligence was a factor, as I was an academic underachiever. What I do know is that between 2009 -2020 I had about 56 FB friends. In Mar 2020 I started to get involved with FB's high IQ community. I now have 352 FB friends, the vast majority of that increase being other people in that high IQ community.

I have been asked if I have Asperger's my whole life. Or less polite situations during my Bachelor's degree. The people I told weren't surprised. A lot of people I don't know well question me about it, assume I don't have a clue about social interactions, call me nicknames like professor, Sherlock or Einstein...

I get asked if I have ADHD a lot but never autism

I think it's rude actually
I don't go round asking people if they're deaf just because they don't happen to hear everything I say

It is rude

And yes, I have also heard the angry "Are you deaf?! !!" to which I reply "Yes, I am and screw off", because I am hard of hearing and it's rude to call someone deaf as an offence.

Sorry this happens to you man

Thanks

I have a female friend who's more autistic than me and she says that people don't guess she has autism unless they're told.

When people say "you don't look autistic", I think they mean that you don't look stereotypically autistic. I guess stereotypical autistic is supposed to be a nerdy approach, constant hand-flapping, not making eye contact, and putting your hands over your ears a lot. When you show at least one or two of those behaviours then people can guess much better, if they're aware of the existence of autism.

What people think when they see me is a basketball case - a very nervous person with anxiety. That, or a goofy, eccentric person who talks about the most random things. Either way I am social and don't put my hands over my ears and I'm not very knowledgeable and I most certainly don't flap my hands or rock. The most I do is grab objects to play with (in other words, fiddle with).

I'm quite stereotypically ADHD, even though ADHDers are stereotypically supposed to be loud and the life and soul, which I'm not. But I'm still typically ADHD.

My girlfriend is like this as well. She pushes herself to be social because she had a traumatic childhood & was taught she needed to be a people pleaser. She kind of wants to be more social than she is partly because she feels like she feels like she's supposed to be. Her social skills are a lot better than me but she has a lot more anxiety about being social than I do. I tend to be apathetic about social stuff & am much more aloof than she is. I don't really mind going out & doing stuff if I'm tagging along with Cass but I don't really care enough to want to go places & do stuff on my own.

I have a natural urge to socialise, like at work. I always have had this. I don't seem to suffer with social exhaustion, even though it can get boring if I'm too shy (I can be shy around people I don't know). But the feeling of being around people still fills me with joy and comfort.

I have social anxiety though, like I worry too much about what others think of me and I become anxious in public and avoid bars and places like that. But that's not to say I don't have any natural desires to be social. I'm interested in people and just love chatting and connecting.

It's why I often question my diagnosis.