Aspergers and divorce

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There is no reason for you to blame yourself for her self destructive behavior. Many people who were abused sexually end up very discombobulated.
She does need to get some counseling to address her molestation issues. The odds of her connecting with an abuser are better than with a nice/good/caring and loving person like yourself. It is contrary to the wiring in a sexually abused persons brain.
Sadly, the abused person will subconsciously be attracted to abusers. I don't know if you get the "Love Line" radio show (usually runs late at night during the week) but they discuss often the damage resulting from sexual abuse.

A couple of things - one is that i read this on a forum for NT partners of AS people:


A message to an ASHusband:

You will lose this lady and your lifestyle unless you change your ways. You may lose her anyway.

Believe that she gives you more practical support, emotional support and stability than you are able to comprehend.

Your comprehension is limited by your condition. This is not your fault but it is your responsibility to work to understand how your condition affects those around you and how they have had to adapt their lives to accommodate you.

Believe me that people around you will be making more effort on your behalf than you realise. A lot of effort.

To make progress you must:

Accept your diagnosis

Accept that your wife is a well-motivated individual

Accept, that however it may seem to you, your behaviour, even if unintentional, has led to great stress and unhappiness FOR HER.

Accept that behaviours of yours can hurt others, and the lack of intention to hurt does not prevent hurt.

If someone is reporting to you that their behaviour is hurtful, this is TRUE FOR THEM as the reciever and your lack of intent does not erase that. You need to modify YOUR behaviour to make it less hurtful TO THEM.

You should take your wife's and a shrink's advice about how to improve your behaviours and communication.

This may mean you have to agree to do things that seem incomprehensible or unnecesary to you, but you will have to trust your wife and shrink's good intentions and superior insight on this and just do it anyway. Because of your condition your insight in these matters is flawed and you will have to trust others to guide you.

Your wife


>>> It may not be entirely appropriate right at this moment for you but I offer it because, from my experience in a relationship with an AS person who is way more affected than me, it really does make sense to me - the relationship was very difficult because my partner would not accept his AS diagnosis and, even though he did his best, was in denial that it was basically his cold, switched off behaviours, rigid attitudes and constantly critical thoughts about me that caused the problems.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming my ex at all - just saying that AS DOES have these effects and it's all very sad.

lupin, the only thing I would have to say to that is, "did you know your husband was this way when you married him"? We all know that you don't go into a marriage in hopes to change the other spouse. I think it is almost cruel to not accept the person you married when you knew they were the way they are. I respect and understand the disappointment with a NT AS marriage. However, if the AS spouse is trying to understand and change, why would you all of sudden decide not to love him or her.

CentralFLM - good question. No, neither of us knew our spectrum statuses, but birds of a feather and all! It all came about as an accident really (I mean, finding out). I think we both had expectations based on NT conventions - because we didn't know any better. I am sure that if we'd had accurate dxs in the beginning, it would have been very different. But he didn't/wouldn't accept his dx - and I think that this in itself was an indication of typical AS rigidity. I know I embraced the dxs with great interest but he didn't want to know the real cause of our communication problems, he wanted everything to stay as it was before. I completely agree: you can't stop loving someone, I still love him, but he cut off completely - I guess he was seeing something in me which he couldnt accept in himself. But my point is that just because you're an Aspie it doesn't mean to say we can't change or behave in more partnery/warmer ways - but thats elf-acceptance has to come first.

Hey CentralFLM, I know I'm not lupin, but I wanted to respond to your last post.

Did you ever live with your wife before you were married? (Hope the question doesn't offend, I know that you're religious.) If not, then remember that you can't really know what a person is like until you have lived with them. This is especially true for people with AS, since many of us can manage a certain amount of socialization for a few hours, but not for days on end. This isn't to put blame on either of you, since love makes nearly everyone over-optimistic: both parties overestimate their ability to minimize their own problems and tolerate their partner's problems.



Love isn't a decision - it's a product of a healthy relationship. The relationship became unhealthy for your wife at some point, and the love went with it. I don't know your wife or your situation, but from the way you described things in your first post, I don't think divorce or the loss of love was a sudden decision on her part. Things began to go wrong on both sides, and it put a strain on both of you. At some point the strain became too much for her.

Lupin gave the best advice when he said to consider your wife as a well-motivated individual. She knows herself better than anyone else ever will, so if she says that divorce is the best option for her, it is probably so. I think your #1 priority now is to make sure that things stay cordial and communicative between you, for your daughter's sake.

No, I don't think you are to blame. That she refused to go to marriage counselling suggests that she wasn't fully committed to maintaining the relationship. other things also suggest that there was a lack of compatibility - for example, you are not asexual but she appeared to no longer have a sexual interest in you. finally, even if AS-related issues were part of the problem, since you were neither abusive nor unfaithful, both partners, not just yourself, were ultimately responsible for finding a compatible partner and adapting to one another. you chose one another, you were not abusive or deliberately mean to her, you were faithful. if she could not meet you half way, it was a matter of incompatiblity; if she was not willing to, then she's more to blame.
I was in a committed relationship for over 5 years with an NT girl that had been sexually abused as a child. it ended as we had become entirely incompatible (she ended it), though for a long time we both fully wished and expected to marry eventually, have kids and spend the rest of our lives together. when it ended, i was still in love but the person i had fallen in love no longer existed, she had changed into something else.
I would keep an open mind if I were you regarding futurte relationships - if you feel the need to take dating very slowly now, that is what you must do, but don't rule out seeking future relationships entirely at some point in the future (just make sure they're with the right person). AS is not necessarily an unsurmountable problem with relationhips - though i do not think i will ever be in a relationhsip again, the only other aspie i know irl has been happily married for decades.
custody is another matter - i would fight for it. i'm with wsmac on this.

it seems clear also that the relationship is broken beyond repair - try to forget her (easier said than done, as i know from experience - but it's better than the alternatives)

Wow, CentralMmlFLmM(mumble)! !

Your story sounds so much like mine it's scary! Scary because while my wife has separated and taken my two young boys from me, there's a good chance in a couple months she'll come back. That's the plan.... but I have to "fix" myself first. Fortunately not "learn social skills" but the sensible and obtainable "anger management".

Of course, I've explained that she should also work on the things she does that anger me so much... it's only fair. It's only human to get angry when treated cruelly or unfairly too often! So I'm getting that training, but she's still not acknowledging her part - or at least not telling me.

I've been BEGGING for YEARS that she tell me what her emotions and thoughts are - she just can't understand that I can't read them correctly otherwise, despite me saying such!!


I don't really have good advice for you... only that I understand exactly how you feel! Even the lack of sex! My wife would growl at me to come to bed - well, I don't WANT to go to bed with a woman who's snarling and growling so I played games or researched for another hour or two. Since the second baby was born we've had sex on average of once every two to three months. She blames me for not coming to bed with her, I blame her for being miserable and cranky and not in the mood for my company ANYWAY! There've been plenty of "perfect days" where I would bring flowers, do chores, spend lots of time with her and yet the same thing at bedtime. Even with the computer off she still growls me away to prevent sex. Even AFTER I've told her my observations and she flatly denies it. Do NT's not even realize these sorts of brain/action connections??? I can't understand how she could keep doing the same thing, and every time deny she's doing it!

Aw Blue Max, I'm so sorry to read your story too.

I just wanted to say that your experience with begging your partner to explain her feelings and needs very clearly (because I don't automatically get them unless told) is exactly the same as mine - and I commiserate wholeheartedly. It's not just an Aspie problem though - NTs play these guessing games all the time (you're each supposed to guess what the other one is feeling otherwise it's not 'romantic' or something). I'm sure NTs don't get it right all the time either. But it really stings when you know you're trying your hardest and your partner refuses to understand or believe what you're truthfully saying or asking. It's like they dont believe plain, simple truth.

I've seen various internet references to marriages in which one partner is Asperger having high failure rates.

They seem to derive from this source: "Preliminary research performed in Holland suggests that the divorce rate for couples in which one partner has AS may be as high as 80%.” from "a Relate leaflet", in the book Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships, Ashley Stanford p42.

However I suspect this study is thin.

Does anyone have any hard data?

Then we'd have a better idea about the challenge we face....

Thanks

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