26 and dependent on mommy

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I'm 43 and still live at home but still consider myself fairly independent, except for driving a car. I was always independent as far as doing my own schoolwork. I am not good at doing my own hair or cooking a meal, but I have a job I do well. The second floor of my house is essentially my combination home office and apartment, with everything I need. I also have my pets. I couldn't imagine living anywhere else.

I'm unsure what you mean, but I didn't mean TA went everywhere with his OWN parents, only that I believed that he wanted OTHERS to come in with their parents for assessments.

Let me spell it out...if Tony Attwood doesn't go everywhere with HIS OWN parents, why in the whole world does he expect adults with AS to come to him with theirs?

As though we should not be independent, or want privacy, or autonomy...

M

it is common on all parts of the spectrum,but am do not think it's mostly directly from aspergers.
am think a lot of it might be to do with not having help and support-or not the right kind, when younger,with the right help and support,it can give better skills and abilities when older.

what might help is getting assessed first,by an ASD specialist pyschologist [if possible] who works with adults,if diagnosed on the spectrum-make sure he has meeting with own mum about it,to say what it is,what might help, what she can do to help and so on.
going to an ASD drop in centre or day centre might help,as they might be able to help with any ASD related problems.

That makes sense Daniel...personally I didn't have the sort of parents I could attach to on any terms, and I suppose, like most things, that had it's advantages and disadvantages...I certainly cannot even concieve of "attaching" to a parent at all.

I am not sure I actually "hate" people as such, I rather like them...but being with them is such exhausting hard work that I need to be able to stay away from them most of the time just to function. The stress of any social situation is staggering for me, and the better I know people, the more complicated and stressful it gets for me.

I used to try and be self supporting, but I couldn't hack it, and the stress of the interaction meant I pretty much couldn't hack anything ELSE either...

Until I gave up trying I lived on a personal death row where I honestly never knew how I would find a way to survive for more than the next few days...and perversely, it was only when I gave up trying to support myself that I stopped wishing I were dead.

But, having said that, I realise things would be VASTLY different for all of us if "the powers that be" would actually LISTEN to us, and give us the right help and supports that we really need, to enhance our functionality, rather than imposing the kind of supports they think we should need that only make us worse...after all, we are the ones who pay for their persistent mistakes...

M

non sequitor, and illogical even if it wasn't!! !

Actually it DOES follow...(BTW you spell it "non sequitur") because visiting any Doctor is universally considered a very private thing. Visiting a Doctor about what goes on inside your mind is an even more private one.

It is an appalling abnegation of personal autonomy to even discourage an individual from requiring the same degree of privacy that he would require for himself in equivalent circumstances.

And, frankly, it just shows what he REALLY thinks of us.

M

For 24 years old I am a pretty dependent adult. I moved out of my parents house to be with a guy who lived with his mom she practicfally took care of all of my affairs, then I met my gf and I moved in with her, my life was a mess where I was before. The lady told her I was gonna be a chore, you know?

At one time I had 2 jobs but things kinds fluctuated. I forgot little things all the time then I had a nerveous braekdown and then everything got worse again and it has just spiraled down. Its overwelming for me to take care of paperwork and talking to people on the phone scares me. I have started writing down dates to keep up with my appointments and taking meds on time by myself and trying to sort out my paperwork. Sometimes I just break down thougth.

Hey Tempy,

Don't put yourself down, you don't seem dependent to me...maybe just a bit disorganised around the edges?

I wiswh I could handle so much.

M

I don't know about elsewhere, but the way American society is set up, currently, it is very difficult for a person to live on his or own if he does not earn much. I make a couple dollars above minimum wage and I work full time, but I would have to have a cosigner in order to rent my own apartment, because landlords will not rent out a place unless you make three or four times the rent. Last year I managed to live on my own because I'd received a grant for school, which pushed my income over the border. Now without the grant, I'm stuck renting a place with my mother and I can't get out without totally screwing over my future. I need to go back to college if I ever hope to make more money, but my AS qualities make it impossible for me to work and go to school at the same time, so even though I'm sure my FAFSA will qualify me for a grant, I'm puzzling over how I'm going to make this work. I'm going to have to see about getting a college loan but I'm scared to pick up the phone, haha.

If things were just a matter of having enough money to scrape by, I think a lot more people with AS/HFA would be totally self-sufficient (well technically/financially I am self-sufficient.... it just doesn't appear that way, since I'm not living alone). But there are a lot of invisible rules to live by (credit checks, minimum income policies, etc.). That's where I have trouble and get kind of angry about having to kowtow to the system.

ill tell you more about it later. id like to. mechanima

I am independent in that I live alone and do all of my own chores/cooking, and that I have a source of income that is my own which I can pay my bills and expenses with. I like a tidy house which I couldn't get when living at home because my parents like a cluttered house full of more stuff than they really have the space for.

I am dependent in that the house I live in belongs to my parents and they charge me way less rent than I would be paying on this place to a stranger, that the house is only 50 or so yards away from my parents house, that "my" income is a disability check and though "I" pay my own bills my parents actually do all of the paperwork - which I don't know how to do. I can't drive alone yet even though I "own" a car, I didn't buy it my parents just gave it to me when they got a different one (I am not complaining, it is in good condition and even if I could buy my own car, who wouldn't take one for free?). I have to either be driven, or drive with someone else in the car to buy groceries or go anywhere really.

The last time I tried to get groceries on my own at the "Super Walmart" I nearly had a panic attack because the store was really crowded and I couldn't find an aisle that didn't have at least one person in it for me to chill in for a minute, though I did buy my stuff without a breakdown, I must have looked strange because I noticed security people with the radios eying me and sort of triangulating which didn't make me feel any better, if they had decided to approach me I probably would have passed out or at least fell down as I was already feeling kind of feint and dizzy. So I have a hard time even going into a place alone even. I am also 26 years old.

You are still rolling wildly off on an incorrect premise. I NEVER said he suggested that everyone have private consults with parents, or are even always around. Quite the OPPOSITE! The context indicated that I meant simply that the fact that they were together didn't mean they were brought by, or because of the parents, and they likewise might not live with them. The idea was simply that they might be there simply to answer questions about the persons life when s/he was still a baby. SO, as I said before... non sequitur. Sorry if my inadvertent typos, etc... are driving you nuts. Thanks for pointing it out all the same though.

Anyway, I'm certainly not trying to be offensive, and I ALREADY admitted more than I would like to. I WISH I could say I left at 18, etc... At 20, I COULD have. The obsessive interests and lack for change simply made me stay. That was always obvious fact, to both me AND my mother. AS doesn't change that assessment, other than the fact that those two things are symptoms of AS. The trepidation at making phone calls, etc... doesn't help, but I have fought that when needed. Anyway, my staying home was more a lack of concern and time for change than any aversion to it.

I merely wanted to see if YOUR collective reasons for staying home were the same as mine.

No I am not because what you said was:



I understand all the reasoning behind it, but unless he prefers his parents to be present at his own psych consults it clearly show that he does not believe we should be given the same autonomy, privacy and independence that he would expect for himself.

This is not a valid excuse:



Because exactly the same applies equally, pro and con, to almost any psychological or mental disorder you could name.

I say "pro and con" because on the "pro" side it is a secondary source of information on the "con" side it is very subjective information indeed with invariable bias that cannot possibly be factored into the final analysis effectively...

Thus, in the case of an adult, the need to respect privacy, automony and independence should clearly override any slight potential (but far from actual) benefit. Particularly when you take into account that, as a rule, an Aspie is far more likely to present themselves objectively than all the other patients who are reflexively given the absolute right to privacy, automony and independence that an Aspie is often, effectively, denied on exceptionally "invalid premise".

Put simply, it is just a (sadly common) default to disrespect for us, and the longer we "just accept" it, the longer it will take to change.

However, it did only account for the final 1% of disillusionment with Attwood...his proclivity for emulating a well known Balkan *Narcissist* in terms of online self promotion and eulogising Maxine Aston, the demonisation of Aspies in general (and her ex in particular?) and the amateur DIY creation of reactive/cassandra/whatever next affective disorder towards that end, may have done considerably more damage over time...

I used to think he was a great guy too...then I looked closer...

M

My mother didn't do the things for me that she should have done, so I never had the enabling factor there. If I had, I'd probably be like my sister, 23 and still living at home having mom make all the doctor appointments, getting her car fixed and basically taking care of her as if she were a dependent minor child. I left when I was 16 years old, and I'd be homeless on the streets before I'd ever go home. I suspect it's a matter of how the parenting goes. If your parents make it possible for you to be dependent, I think it's more likely it will happen for those of us with AS. For people with situations like mine where it was not a possibility, we're forced to be independent. I cannot stand depending on others because it provides plenty of opportunity to be disappointed, criticized or a myriad of other unpleasantness.

Yikes, that was depressing to hear. I'm trying to move there(need a green card first since it's not very likely anyone will pay for a work visa), and this new revelation means I'd have to get an apartment as well as a real job before even setting foot there.

Life here in Sweden kind of stinks, I don't see much of a future here, but at least it's easy to get by. My apartment costs me a little less than $400 / month and the only ways I can get evicted is if I make a nuisance out of myself or if I'm several months late with the rent.

Partly my problem here is a mental one I guess, I(like many other Swedes today) have gotten too used to the government setting limits everywhere and having high taxes etc, so I've given up on trying to get the life I want here and hoping for a life in the US instead. I think all the paperwork you have to go through here to start a business or whatever makes it especially hard for our kind, we get too confused and uncomfortable having to deal with that instead of the actual business.

Not to mention that most people you meet have the mentality that you can't achieve anything if you're not born rich so there's no point in trying, a depressed state of mind more caused by the government interfering with people's plans than the actual shortcomings of the person in question. It's a form of learned helplessness. It gets really depressing being a conservative in this of all places.