Beyond the Safe Topics While Avoiding the Creepy

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I don't think any healthy relationship is founded on telling each other everything.

I can't really think of anything I wouldn't be willing to tell someone I wanted to, say spend the rest of my life with. . . but having that option, that privacy, seems essentially important to me. .

the idea that telling someone I was with that I didn't want to tell them something would damage the bond would freak me out.


Now, if I got to the point where I were using that a lot, and about things that were really important to me- and I intended never to tell them. . . I can see where that might reasonably cause damage. . . occasionally, though, should not be a problem.

As a clueless guy, can I ask, how can you tell he's attracted to you? I don't know what kind of vibe I put out to a woman I just met (other than nervous about blowing the encounter) but I just assume she can see right through me... It takes a lot of motivation for me to approach a stranger I'm attracted to, I figure she can sense my attraction, but I don't really know what she thinks.

I'm fascinated by the human mind too, but really, from my experiences and what I've read, there needs to be some attraction or else the woman won't email me back. [Btw, I'm 50 years old. ]

>Icarus, you're so right, even the simplest human relationships are a complex tangle of two webs. A lot of what you bring up falls under the concept "trust," where we hope that the other person feels and treats us as we would like to think we feel and treat them... (leaving aside the frequent blinders that we have about our own behavior not really measuring up to our own conscious standards...)

Last edited by tomart on 28 Oct 2007, 4:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, I agree. Any long-term relationship will have spots where you don't agree, and probably never will - you gradually learn to delicately step around them. My basic measure of relationship health is how (hopefully very) few of these you two have.

Stephen King (in Pet Sematary) describes the deep mysterious places even the closest couples never share.

In a heart-rending book "Dying Inside" the guy could look into other peoples' minds; one night he finally dared to see how his girlfriend saw him, and was deeply shocked to see the ugly, misshapen creature she saw.

Uh, how to even explain? I'd say lot's of smiling, definitely. His excitement to reply or relate to what I say, yet still listening to me. More intimate questions, possibly. Guys tend to fish for information about your love life, without directly asking, which is a dead give away.

It’s all on my MySpace page. I'm in my prime at a physical young and vibrant 34. Emotionally I'm 16 (which makes me emotional jailbait ), and intellectually I'm 68. Age is not something I place much emphasis on; mental compatibility is much more important for me. My last few crushes were mid 20's, 19, 38, 28, and 41.

I'm not sure about the notion of being hooked up? I'm not a normal person, and don't know how to do things in the proper order. If you like, tell you mom to come to the WP and start reading and posting; point her to my ramblings if you like; don't tell me who she is, thought; if we're right for each other, we'll find each other.


I'm an odd type of beast; to me, the sexiest thing I could name about a woman would be her mind. Nothing rings my bell like a woman who's smarter than I am, is more complex than I am, is more open minded than I am, is geekier than I am, etc. Physical attributes, youth, beauty, boobs - all are fleeting by their very nature. That said, I do not de-value physical attributes completely. The right woman for me must have a beautiful mind, but there has to be a modicum of physical attraction there also, just enough to light the match of passion. But I do not look to grow old with someone for her physical beauty, for such is a futile wish; I wish to grow old with someone who has a beautiful mind, for that is a much more lingering quality, and also more interesting in the long run...

I'm looking for a woman who can keep up with me on various fronts, the most important of which is intellectually. Does that sound conceited? The wrong type of woman for me would think so. The right type of woman for me would read that, see a challenge, and say, "Oh, really?"


I believe you are quite correct on this point. And for my own part, I certainly do not wish to share everything (I don't think there exists a human who could take that, to be honest with you. ) I'm actually a fiercely private person; there is much about me that I choose to keep hidden, and that is fine; just ask my long time friends what a good way to get my very riled up about very quickly, and they'll likely say, "Make Icarus feel like you're invading his privacy." I have my private things; I expect my partner to have hers; this is natural and healthy, I think, up to some certain point which you've already mentioned.

The more pertinent subject of the thread though, is what should be kept locked away, vs. what shouldn't. Therein lies my particular problem, and this seems true of others here. I recently caused myself much grief by feeling too comfortable being open and honest when I was going through a troubled time. It was nothing terribly bad, but it was enough to creep someone out in a serious way when doing so was the very furthest thing from my mind. I had a need to share some things, and was in fact encouraged (I thought?) to do so; when I did, I stepped right in a giant bear trap. In retrospect, I should have kept some things to myself, but I did not have the wisdom to do so (emotionally 16, remember?). Krisata described this perfectly, "Some aspies it seems that their inability to figure out what's appropriate to talk about, can be the death of them." Been there, done that, which is really why her post rang my bell.



I suppose this depends on the humans involved. I cannot presume to speak for all of them of course, but only try to guestimate the tricks and trials of human psychology. Some will feel hurt by knowing there are things you cannot or will not share with them; others will grant you your space with no worries. One of the most interesting things about this life is that humans come in wondrous variety. As 'ol Jack Burton always says at a time like this: “If a nomadic physics girl can take comfort in geometry and ballet, then there must still be some hope for the human race.” (I always thought that was a rather odd thing to say, but what do I know.)

Good fortune,

- Icarus takes comfort in geek girls...

No, seriously though, my mom is nothing like me. She's a uh... simple kind of woman. Haha. So as far as sending her to WP... not sure if I could even walk her through turning on the computer without her getting frustrated and giving up. I got my thirst for knowledge and analyzing from my father. Sorry, but he's not single

I'd say that if I found any good single intellectual women, that I'd send them your way, but that would be a lie, because I like to hoard the smart cuties for myself.

I've never viewed this as a problem, and didn't know that it would be considered as such until I found out about AS. I'm often told that I'm blunt. Sometimes I blurt out things about hot guys in front of my fiance. But I cannot for the life of me figure out why this is supposed to be a bad thing. I'm obsessive about people liking me ONLY for who I truly am. I feel that holding even the smallest tidbit back, is for me, living a lie.

As for being honest in relationships? I can't be with someone unless I feel like we are one. I can't feel like that if we're sugarcoating the things we dislike about each other or the world, or keeping negative thoughts to ourselves, or any of those "white lie" or lying by omission type things. It just doesn't feel right to me. My conscience owns me, and I like it that way. And as for the one I'm with, I need every dirty detail. I want to love who I'm with for every single thing that's ever crossed their mind. Not just every single thing they've uttered.

You freaking tease! When I die and become a ghost, I am so haunting your ass!


Bah. I've stolen hoards of treasure from ancient red dragons. Build your hoard of smart cuties, and I will steal them from you; I am a master rouge, after all; you make my work all too easy.


All jesting aside, I find much hope in the fact that a female like you exists at all. For if there is one out there like you (and also so like me), perhaps there is another; my problem is only finding her.

ITMT, I suppose I'll just keep putting people off by going from the safe topics right to the creepy. But I suppose that will just simplify the process of elimination; if only what I wasn’t looking for wasn't so rare...

Good fortune,

- Icarus haunts teases...

What about the kind of woman who isn't sure you constitute a challenge?




. . .

Awe, thanks. . on a number of counts.

It is really nice to know that there are men out there who are attracted to the same sorts of things I am. .


s'funny. . when I was younger, I always wanted to be told I was beautiful; I knew people thought I was smart, I was told that all the time. . to frequent and substantial embarassment. . it never seemed, so much, to be a good thing. .

growing up is sometimes so good.




Hmn. .

this is a really good question. . .

I guess one should keep in mind which things one gets freaked out by when offering to be a listening ear. . and try to make the speaker aware of these. .

I don't like it either. Especially since it feels like there's an undercurrent of dishonesty, given that you're not really joking. But when dealing with NTs, it seems to be most effective from my experience. I personally would prefer the method you suggest, as it's more truthful, and also seems more considerate of the other's feelings.



I don't know... I think some might be put off by it no matter what. I guess it depends on the person.



But what if, and I'm reasonably sure I'm not alone in this, one doesn't have even mild interest immediately? If I were to express interest that quickly, it would almost certainly be based totally on physical attractiveness. This is also a problem for me, since physical attractiveness alone isn't enough for me to say any more than, "Hey, she's cute." It's only after I come to care about the person deeply that they become truly physically beautiful, and sexually arousing, to me.

Flirting is not going to help here, since emotionally there'd be nothing backing it, and then we'd be back in the dishonesty camp.



Yes, I often think about what things to share and what not to share. I currently have a very close friend with whom I feel I can tell anything and everything... and she tells me she wants me to feel that I can do so. However, I often feel that when I do share some things, particularly negative things about myself (worries, insecurities, etc), I worry that this knowledge pushes her away from me, rather than brings her closer. She tells me it brings her closer, and I want to believe her... but still I worry.

Conversely, I'm almost positive that she withholds more from me than I do from her. Every once in a while I feel a little twinge of something when she doesn't talk, but it mostly doesn't bother me. When she says things like, "It's about X," X is usually something I am probably better off not knowing anyway

In general, privacy is good I think, and it's usually not much of a problem as long as there's enough openness otherwise for both parties to understand the levels of privacy needed. Might feel a little weird sometimes when something isn't shared, but that's where the overall strength of the relationship comes in to ease that occasional oddness.





I agree with both of you. Jainaday, you're right that the option must exist for privacy, even if it is never exercised. Icarus, you're right about the trap of honesty. I mean really... how many people when they ask "how are you?" actually want to hear a full, honest answer? Most of the time it's a meaningless pleasantry.

I've been there, done that, too... and am mostly still there, doing that.



Paradoxically, such knowledge brings me both hope and despair. My female friend mentioned above is amazing. For a long time I'd basically resigned myself to the idea that such women simply did not exist, so there was no point in looking. It made it a little easier to be alone. But, now that I know her, and know that such women do exist, I have hope in general because it bodes well for the world to have such wonderful people in it. At the same time, I have sadness because chances are slim that we'll get together, and I don't think it likely that I'll meet another woman I'll feel similarly for, at least not for a while.



Preach on, brother! I don't need her to exceed my abilities, but somewhere in the neighborhood of them would be nice. but the rest, abso-freakin-lutely. My feelings here are probably a major contributor to my slowness of developing an attraction mentioned previously.



Amateur psychoanalysis here, but you probably wanted to hear it so much because you never did. If you were told you were beautiful all the time, you probably would have wanted to be told you were smart.

As for it being a good thing, American (and possibly others as well) society seems to have this strange love/hate relationship with intelligent people. I'd say more, but I haven't quite clarified my thoughts on the matter to the point where I could speak coherently.

I think the real compliment, however, is for someone to tell you that you're beautiful because you're intelligent.