I can only say that before I could speak, I felt that my parents were making me worse. It felt like they were clawing my brain and I couldn't believe that they were doing it now I know the vocabulary word "loser" and the phrase "par for the course" and I have never stopped thinking it about them and no, I don't think they treated me the way normal parents treat their babieshome alone . Also, my tinnitus was pretty bad but I think that the trigger is actually my mother's voice so I even wear headphones when I blowdry my hair if she is in the house. After the headphones, I have no problem with the creaking dishwasher door or the clanging trashcan without them on and another thing, when we got our new roof, I felt so safe. They were working nonstop over my room and I was happier and felt safe because they were interfering with my life inside the house with my mother. I felt that the working men and their noise were STRONGER than my mother. My mother is very subtle and deeply (self) trained and she flatters nasty people so they don't turn their nasty towards her because she provides hints that stroking her ego will get them what they want but the only people who have spotted her are Japanese men (ha, what does this say about their lack of sentimentality for women), an older Manchurian woman who I now think must have been an Asperger and HK civil servants at the Immigration Bureau in Wanchai. I was amazed at their swiftness in seeing right through her maneuvers and how effectively they shut her down. I wish I had a dvd copy of that little scene. Now if I hear my mother's voice, I actually think the effect is like a kind of cancerous movement inside of my brain. Also crunchy food moves my brain. I think that is why some austistics want the crunch because it is like a massage for frayed neurons. And my answer is this I could literally FEEL my parents especially my mother more from her verbal trickery than her brutal physical beatings LITERALLY ... FRAYING my brain nerves. I FELT it.
Also, more than ten years ago, I thought the breast cancer rates on Long Island amongst Jewish women was not genetic but had to do with a sedentary luxurious but not truly luxurious without athleticism lifestyle with regular doses of cream cheese and sour cream. Well, the genetic theory is still holding but I have since learned that GBH in American dairy products encourages breast cancer.
I really felt safer in the arms of Chinese nonfamily members even adolescents than with my family. I thought they were dangerous to small children who belonged to them and especially my mother she would only unleash herself with her own because undetection is the key to her survival and longevity and I think she figured this out at a very very young age. I think my father was carelessly abusive because he could only be attracted to nonblood young people and in the end, they helped kill him and I am glad that someone not me observed this about him before he died because I can never say it to my brother but it is true, he wasn't interested or desirous of a relationship with my brother but he "cared more for those people as if they were your sons more than your own son." I guess I am lucky that I don't have the NT capacity for crying over spilt milk although I do know that I should have abandoned my family the minute I turned 18 before my father died for my own sake but of course, even better would have been boarding school or adoption. Holy moley, she wouldn't get me glasses but when I got them after 7 years, my grades shot up. She encouraged me to cut school and stay home with her by making me late and then turning the car around. PSAT and SATs were preceded by a sleepless night of abuse and now why would a mother especially an Asian mother do that to her child. The difference between my mother and Claudia Reider and Esmie Teng's mother is the sabotage to maker herself feel superior. She interrupted both of us during trying to do our homework in grade school in beatings that I suspected even then were training sessions in low self esteem. She would couple the beating with verbal abuse AND this is unforgivable, be very vicious if you "flattened your mouth" and looked as if you were about to cry because she was beating and screaming spitting into your face because it was a rebellious and sneaky indication that what she was doing and saying was wrong and undeserved. HOW DARE YOU and on and on it would go and for me, I could not cry because I really was dealing with Team Stupid but my brother who was born needing surgery just SHATTERED so that he completely avoided schoolwork and to this day still avoids schoolwork. It is a miracle he is not illiterate. I guess if I bothered to actively recall and recount the long afternoons alone with her then it wouldn't matter if her public persona is so perfect as to be unbelievable but I don't want to do anything to her for doing it, I just default to my nature and disregard her and that I do now without having to bring up what was not intervened by anyone and being an unwillling young mother is NO excuse because she pulled similar s**t on her younger siblings before she got married. Even though my brother is not genuinely caring of me, empirically, I think it is a shame that he was born into the parenting that he was. His situation is perfectly phrased by "disaster." f****d at Birth is more like it. I think that I am not f****d at birth and maybe if Aspie affects our personalities and I think it does than that has something to do with it. I just don't give a s**t but I think that unlike other Aspies, I do indeed hold on and remember offenses because it would be inefficient not to. Abusers outside and inside one's family count on the victim being in too much turmoil to have their wits about them to tie of past wrongdoing to the current one because it is all one big thing not little things with bygones in between them.
30 Nov 2007, 12:25 pm
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