Growing up

Post Reply New Topic

I, too had a HORRIBLE time with the whole growing up process. (I am 23 now). My family moved across country when I was 10, int he summer between 4th and 5th grade for me. The new school was much bigger and there were no uniforms; thus the kids had already formed ideas of what was "cool" to wear and their own social hierarchy of cliques. I was so confused. I wore Disney and American girl clothes and my "friends" thought I looked ridiculous. I wanted a friend to play dolls with, but the girls in my class reacted strangely when I walked up to them and asked if they liked to play dolls. I guess it was not cool for them at that point, or at least they felt embarrassment over admitting it. I made a few friends because my mom prodded me to invite a few classmates over one- on-one but none of those girls played right. I thought they were a bit dull because they didn't understand how to properly play with dolls.

In sixth grade the cliques got stronger, kids starting to "date" and have crushes, the girls read teen magazine and talked about which boys were cute. I thought my baby dolls, kittens, puppies and elephants were cute, not live human beings the same age as me. This was a bizarre concept. I had no interest in fashion, make-up, or popular music. I just wanted to play like I always had, only now I had no-one to play with. I always enjoyed playing by myself, so that's what I did at home. I still wished for a good friend to play dolls with, however. I missed my best friend from my old hometown. In sixth grade there was no playground for recess. We were forced to choose among basketball, tetherball, wallball, and four-square. They would yell at you if you stood around and did nothing, and for part of the year you couldn't even sit in the library. I was very lonely. I hated sports. I wanted a swing or a jungle gym or some friends to play house with. I eventually made friends with a few other girls and we played four-square. It was better than standing around by myself.

My mom asked me in sixth grade if I wanted to start shaving my legs and wearing a little bit of make-up. I said "NO! Why would I want to do that?" Apparently the other girls were. I felt left out because I didn't know what it was like to "like" a boy. Boys were gross and mean and boring and stupid. My appearance didn't matter to me. I had to be cajoled into taking a shower when my hair was greasy. I retorted "It's not greasy, its just shiny and pretty!" I actually believed this! I hated wearing a bra. I didn't see the need for it, but apparently I had the need. Menstruating, pads, and especially cramps were horrific.

The worst thing ever though, was that sometime during my 12th year, I lost the ability to play. I went to play with my dolls like I always had and one day, it just didn't seem real anymore. They weren't actually talking to me; I was talking for them; moving their limbs. I was too conscious and lost the ability to lose myself in the imaginary world I had been building all my life. I tried again and again over the course of the year, but my ability to suspend belief never came back. It was the most devastating change of my life. For the rest of the year, I was stuck in limbo between child and teen. Unable to play, but not interested in anything associated with adolescence.


The next year, in 7th grade, I caught up to my peers. I developed a very strong crush on a boy. I noticed the other kids, and I became a bit interested in dressing more like them. I started listening to the radio stations the other kids did (And liking them!) I wore make-up, realized I wanted more stylish glasses, and continued to mature. I made friends easier. I understood my peers better. I had a group of girl friends I giggled with at slumber parties and our friendships were based on talking and sharing, not playing. It was still rough; I think junior high is for everybody, but I'd say that I was more age-appropriate in a variety of ways in 7th and 8th grade (age 12-14) than I was in upper elementary or later in high school.

I think something just sort of jump-started in my brain to make those changes. I didn't make them consciously.

Like your daughter, I didn't like to hear people telling me I was growing up. It felt like they told me I was growing cancer or the Ebola virus. I knew it was inevitable, but I didn't want it and I didn't want to hear it. It was NOT something to celebrate.

I thought adults' lives were boring and laborious, and teenagers were stupid, irrational, and strange. I didn't want to turn into either one of them.

Just treat your daughter as you always have. She will grow up at her own pace. Mentioning it will only complicate things. If you see something her peers are doing that she isn't, wait until she asks you to do the same. i.e. shaving, make-up, etc. Don't give any inclination that she should do this or that. Don't compare her to her peers, siblings, or yourself at those ages.

P.S. I grew up. I was a responsible babysitter for about 10 years. I graduated from college, have friends, a boyfriend, and this month am moving out of my parents house into a house with my bf. I am starting my own business. I pay my bills on time. I am organized. I cook and clean. And, I am putting a ball pit, a blanket fort, and maybe a swing in my rainbow-painted house.

You can retain childlike tendancies and not be childish. Childlike is a sense of wonder, play, and adventure. Childish is needy, whiny, self-centered, disrespectful, and irresponsible. There are too many childish adults in this world and not enough child-like ones.

Not true for many aspies, as is my experience. My childhood was one of the most trying times of my life; childhood and adolescence, that is. It's only been in these last few years, since morphing into young adulthood, that I've managed to find any peace with anything at all.

I've read each and every post and I am so thankful for your replies. You touched my heart with your sensitivity, encouragement and by sharing your most personal of experiences and opinions. With your help, I feel that I understand my daughter better now.

Your posts reminded me of a lot I had forgotten about with my own childhood. It's been a real eye opener... speaking of eyes... several posts brought tears to my eyes. WOW You guys are awesome!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I appreciate you very much!! !!


P.S. Several people mentioned sports bras... she has been wearing them for a little over a year now. I originally bought her regular bras and sports bras both so she could decide which ones felt better to her. The sports bras won hands down. She has tactile issues... can't stand to have things touch her lower chest and upper abdomen area, like elastic bands in some shirts, etc. Clothes have to fit her just so- everywhere.... tops, pants, etc or she has meltdowns. Also, she can't stand to wipe properly. I don't know what to do about that. Her underwear looks pretty umm well you know, when I do laundry. She hates taking showers too, but we make her take one at least every other day. She knows how to wash properly but I doubt she is doing that, either. I remember when I was her age, I'd go days to weeks at a time without taking a bath and washing my hair... whatever I could get away with. My mom would notice my hair looking greasy and she'd order me to go take a bath.

I myself have issues with soap and lotion *shuddering at the thought of it* but I do wash up properly.... I just make sure I rinse off really well. And when I HAVE to use lotion, I squeeze a small amount on the back of my left hand and use the backs of both hands to distribute the lotion around on the back of the hands. I feel awful when I am in need of putting lotion on my dry legs in the winter time because I have to use my palms for that. *shriek!*

Anyway, yeah, because of my own issues, I have some empathy for my daughter and her issues. I'm trying anyway! But now, after reading your replies, I'm going to try even harder. Thanks again!