Rant

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Okay, I'm gonna give this site one of its first real rants.

I am so fed up with my life right now. Tears are rolling down my face and I'm trying to be calm enough to write this, and hope my mom doesn't come over here because tears would make her angry. Which is just wrong, but is how it is.

I don't know. For the past 20 years (I'm 20) I've been more or less fine with doing my own thing, being alone, etc. That doesn't mean I didn't get very depressed over it at times but for the most part I could always find something to do myself that I'd really enjoy.

I woke up today, though, and was struck by an intense desire to do something. I can't drive. I'm stuck in this house all day. Well, I work 30 hours a week now so at least I do that. But other than that, it's up to me to entertain myself at the house. I have no friends. There are a couple people that are on and off friends that I can almost never get in touch with, but I get to even just talk to them only a few times a year.

Usually I'd be content with going on the computer all day, listening to the radio, taking walks, reading, TV...but I've been crying all day because I've been so jealous of my mom and brother who can go out and do stuff whenever they please.

I finally got to a point where I was feeling okay today, even good, and then they started arguing with me about who's going to take me to work and a therapist appt. next week. I feel like such a f*** worthless piece of flesh when people argue about who's going to drive me somewhere! I can't tell you how worthless it makes me feel! I hate being a bother, I hate that they hate taking me places, and I hate that they don't even think it's worth taking me half the places I need to go, i.e. my mom doesn't think I should see my therapist anymore because she thinks it's not "working" even though I love her [the therapist] and she always makes me feel soo much better. (maybe if she had let me go more often i'd be better!!)

I hate that I get so overwhelmed over the tiniest things. I can barely handle the life I'm living and my mom and the world in general has me scared to death about life after college. I mean, yes, I should be scared about it, I should be thinking about it , planning for it, but at this point I'd rather die than have a life after college, I don't see how I'm going to survive in the real world. I can barely survive the much more sheltered life I'm living now.

My brother is taking me/is going to my dad's tomorrow, for example. He's bringing a friend. I'm already overwhelmed at the prospect of him playing music I hate - certain kinds of music have a terrible effect on me. I spend all my time worrying about the smallest of things, and I can't go five minutes without worrying about something that's going to happen in the future. I should know. I tried yesterday. Happens so subtly, one minute you're walking along, almost approaching calm, and then the thought pops into your head, "must remember to do...." or "i want to do...." I'm scared to death of forgetting things so I spend most of my time obsessing over that.

What's got me most upset at the moment though is I am so insanely jealous right now of my brother for being able to do things. He just left the house to go get ice cream with his friends. Ice cream is one of my favorite things in the world. If I wanted to do the same, I'd have to go bike or walk two or three miles to do so.

I don't know, as I said, usually I like hanging out by myself and doing stuff around the house. But for some reason, I've been crying all day about it. I don't know why. Nothing seems worth doing, and I can't stop crying. I wish I had friends... most of the time friends seem pointless, until you want someone to do something with..and other things that I don't have the energy to expand upon.

I wonder if it's because for the first time in my life I'm working thirty hours a week (this is the first time I've ever had a job), and it's really hard, and so perhaps I think that after the crappy week I've had I should at least have some fun on the weekend, and then my old ways of having fun don't cut it.

I could learn how to drive ... I've tried before...but the whole thing is just so overwhelming... and there's hardly any time for it...no one really has time to teach me...I don't know... it's the one thing that I want more than anything else in the world because it would actually make my life liveable!, but it's also one of the things I'm most scared about in the world.

Thanks for reading this... can anyone relate?
Kate