Why do NTs accuse us of Having a Lack of Empathy?

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When I was first exploring the possibility that AS might be the explanation for my issues, my partner said, "It makes sense, because you're incapable of empathizing with anyone." That really upset me a lot. I felt like I was being viewed as some kind of sociopath. But when I thought about the meaning of empathy, I realized that it was true - I really am horrible at recognizing what others are feeling and "putting myself in their shoes" so to speak.

But that doesn't mean that I can't feel compassion for others. That is, it doesn't mean that I don't care if others suffer. I most definitely do care. Afterall, I became a vegetarian out of compassion for other living things. When I realize that someone is upset or hurting, it does upset me. It's just getting it through to me that that's what's happing that's the tough part.

So, that's my point of view on the matter at least.

To say Aspies lack empathy is similar to assuming a person who doesn't speak our language is deaf.

NT's are under the assumption that theirs is the only complete neurology. They recognize that other neurologies differ, but only in the sense of being partial versions of their own minds. So, if we express ourselves differently, this is because we lack something ... empathy in this case.

This can be seen even more directly in other areas. Even where Aspies clearly outperform NT's in very clear ways, the NT brushes it off as a failure in some more fundamental area. For example, Aspies have been shown to not to fall for optical illusions; our brains compensate for various tricks played on it and find the right answer. NT's explain this as a lack of 'central coherence'; we are too "lost in the details" to fall for the "big picture" (gestalt) illusion.

This happens in lots of other areas (I can provide references if anyone's interested.)

The irony, of course, is that the NT is engaged in just the sort of non empathic mindset they imagine us to have ... they think that nobody could possibly think differently, and in some cases better. They are truly "mind blind", another phrase they use to describe *us*.

It's a lack of noticeable empathy. Just because a person doesn't notice that a person is empathetic doesn't mean they aren't.

Yes yes. But the problem with people with ASD is that they lack spontaneous, deep, and nuanced understanding, mirroring, etc. of other people's feelings. This sort of thing is operationalized as a lack of empathy IIRC.

SO, we are to lose all control, and act as others do? If everyone did that, it would set off a chain reaction which would make the human race stop in its tracks and cease to exist! Sorry, but that is just NOT POSSIBLE! ALSO, NTs rarely do that, and most that do get lock up in insane asylums!

Not entirely true.
I am vegan for moral reasons. Those reasons are that I don't think animals deserve the suffering that they endure...just so we can have things like meat [which isn't even necessary anyway] dairy, eggs, cosmetics etc.
Is that not empathy?...

I suppose that's where I draw the distinction between empathy and compassion. I tend to think of empathy as a more immediate recognition of what someone is feeling, where as compassion is a more general good will and wish to ease the suffering of others.

I went vegetarian for the same reasons as you (not quiet vegan, yet). But I have a LOT of difficulty reading others' feelings unless they are just plainly obvious (e.g. they are on the verge of tears).

VNSnith, that was a very interesting read. That's how I've felt all my life, now that you mention it. My good qualities brushed off as lack of other qualities that NTs have.

For example, in college, when I didn't spend my parents' money irresponsibly like the others did, I was called a miser. Or when I acted according to logic and not following some ridiculous leader of the pack, I was called maladjusted. The examples are countless.

And yes, I'd be interested to read more about what you said.

Guys, empathy and compassion are different things.


I've a hard time being empathic. I don't show happiness when others are happy. I don't show sadness when others feel sad. I don't become angry when people near me become angry. My face will be very neutral in such a situation. That does not mean I'm unemotional. There's sympathy inside, but no empathy outside. After all, how can we understand what the other person is actually feeling? How can we tell such an emotion is true?

So would I.

That would really explain a lot. At least it would explain a lot in MY personal case. As the quote says above, maybe we FEEL empathy just fine, it's just the EXPRESSED emotion that doesn't come easy. Which would come across to others as us not caring.

I remember an English teacher I had in 10th grade. She told the class HOW to have empathy. She said to picture yourself in other people's situation and that will help you understand what emotion they are feeling. For example, if someone lost their rent money, think hard how that would feel to YOU. You would feel sad and angry... perhaps hurt. Empathy comes to some easier than others. Up until that English teacher taught us how to empathize, I had a hard time with it. But now if empathy and emotions don't come to me right away, I MAKE myself have empathy. I sit there and think "Okay, how would it feel to ME if that happened to ME?" and that works for me most of the time.

I read an article today that is very disturbing to me (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16596080) It says:




According to this article, we LACK empathy. For those who have been diagnosed with this disorder (I have not... yet) do YOU think that this is true in YOUR case? ("case" as in "YOU") Would you describe yourself as lacking in empathy? Or would you describe yourself as someone who has empathy but doesn't know HOW to show it? Or maybe you have empathy but choose not to show it. Hmmm maybe I should make a poll with these questions.

Contrary to popular belief, empathy and sympathy is not the same. I feel a lot of sympathy, but I don't feel much empathy. Empathy is just understanding other peoples feelings, but sympathy is the ability to feel love, compassion, remorse etc.

hold on... is this why i can't do Eye Sees? it used to drive me nuts trying to hold those thing up to my nose, and sloooooowly pull them away to see the picture... only to never see the picture.... this is an aspie thing? do you have a reference for this one?

This information on Wikipedia needs to be changed. It has incorrect information. It says: "The lack of demonstrated empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of Asperger syndrome." The article they're using a footnote to does NOT say that.

In my opinion, NTs don't have a monopoly on ganging up and unfair fights. I've read countless threads on this board where Aspergians have ganged up on people and have been very unfair to them, name calling and slinging. That's just the way some people are and it doesn't matter what neurological basis they come from.

Have you ever read Temple Grandin's books? She talks about not being able to feel empathy. With her, it's not a "show" thing, but a processing thing. She says that's why she's never had relationships, she's not able to process those type of emotions or reciprocate empathy and other things like love. Plus, in articles, she says NTs don't empathize with autistic behaviors either like when they see someone on sensory overload. So, like you say, they have their issues as well.

There's something to be learned on both sides, but I do not think NTs think only certain people are worthy of life. That's an extreme generalization of the entire NT population. I'm NT and the thought has never crossed my mind and I don't view life or other humans that way.

Ok not all NT's think that way.
BUT It is noted that a lack of empathy is one of the ASD traits, one which I am trying to accept. My son seems to have no empathy at all and isn't very sympathetic.

Just think of how much it hurts when you feel upset yet no-one seems to care.
Or when you hurt yourself you get laughed at. Or the worst for me is being told NO and pushed away when I try to give him a cuddle, even when I ask
It really does hurt!
I'm not venting just giving you an insight to how it looks to an NT