When you act NT...

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sartresue
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23 Feb 2008, 3:38 pm

sinsboldly wrote:

Tsaryn wrote:

I put on a good NT front, too-- its like a second self and I live a dualistic life all at the same time. Don't really do the change clothes thing after work. I've finally decided that I won't buy/wear anything that makes me feel uncomfortable regardless if it is the "NT uniform" (for me, this would be colorful/varied clothing). I wear black and black alone, and so I buy business clothing that is black, fits the dress code, and everyone has learned to accept me as I am. I joke about it, and it seems to put people at ease (for some reason, if you acknowledge you are "weird", then NT's don't feel they have the ammunition to talk about you behind your back saying you are weird).

I'm still learning to read other people by their individual personalities, though. Just yesterday I was working on a project at my desk which required my full attention, though I was casually listening to the other conversations around me, mindlessly contributing yes's and oh, really's to be "part of the team". I made the mistake of asking someone to further explain a project they were working on. So, I hear her get up from her desk, beginning to talk about it in FULL DEPTH, though I just really just expected a quick sum-up in a few words from her desk. So she comes to my desk, stands right next to me (which always makes me uncomfortable due to proximity), and goes on and on for several minutes all about what she is doing, and it took everything within my being to sound interested and not say: "Ok-- I didn't realize it was all that. Kinda need to focus here. Tell me later. I don't really care, I was just being nice. Go away, now, please-- thank you!" I should have realized she was very enthusiastic about her project and asked her about it at a time that wouldn't irriate me. I've learned to do that, for the most part.

ut oh!

I know exactly how you felt! However, she wasn't trying to let you know about her project, she was doing some body dance and facial expression dance and socially interacting with you all on the PRETEXT of telling you about her project. This is something to watch out for. I have learned when they come close to talk, and when that talk starts to become BORING, it is because they have left the factual informative behind and are doing some social mirror imaging thing and are having the real conversation with their body and facial language.
I have also noticed that I have NO IDEA what my own body and facial language is saying BACK to them. If I figure out how to 'dismiss' them with the same language they think they are using with me I will be able to control the situation much better.

any ideas? has anyone (other than blatant rudeness, which works, but has negative consequences) found a way to 'turn off' their attempts to communicate on other levels that are mysteries to many of us?

Merle

Language of the body talking (much too loudly for my taste) topic

That is it, Merle! Hitting the nail on the NT head. Bolding, mine.

I have noticed this and sometimes another co-worker will come and interrupt them and take them away because they want to be in on the social action. Fine by me. Go away and leave me alone. But this is hit-and-miss and yes if anyone has a tried and true method to CONTROL this situation please tell us.

Thanks, Merle, and the other posters and Greentea who initiated this topic.

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sinsboldly
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23 Feb 2008, 3:41 pm

Jeyradan wrote:

Constant vigilance!
It feels like everything that I say has to be weighed and judged beforehand (have I heard someone say this before in such a situation? is it guaranteed safe and inoffensive? is it even worth saying - will I have to explain or repeat myself or do people want to hear it at all?). It is exhausting and feels pretty shallow and superficial because the things I want to say, I'm not sure are okay, so I never say anything I really want to.
And it's exhausting. At the end of it, you wonder why people would go through that every day, a thousand times a day. Why?

Sometimes it's ugly. Subtext - why, WHY, do people add meanings to things I say? I didn't say I meant that... I didn't "hint" at it, my "tone" didn't mean it... so WHY do people want so hard to believe I meant something inappropriate or bad? Can't they just take what is said at face value?

you figured it out yourself, Jeyradan!

They ARE taking you at 'FACE' value. They weight what you say at 10% and how your body and face look at the other 90%.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Say what you have said to them and watch your face as you say it. Something in that look is what they are picking up on. Develop what I call my "NT mask" and show some teeth, look up a lot while you are talking and nod your head. Act like you are only giving half your brain to the convo anyway. It will put them off their guard and make life a little more bearable for you.

all the best,

Merle

NeantHumain
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23 Feb 2008, 4:19 pm

From my own experience, I have found that trying to give off a fairly normal, likable impression requires a high degree of dissociation. It also requires giving considerable thought to what the expected/beneficial response set is.

Stupidcat
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23 Feb 2008, 5:12 pm

I feel tired when I have to act NT. I don't like all the smiling, handshaking, and worthless small talk. Making a lot of eye contact makes me tense and stiff. I often feel like I'm not even the one talking. There seems to be some kind of stranger in my body. But mostly I'm just screaming mentally until its over. :lol:

nannarob
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24 Feb 2008, 12:20 am

Tsaryn wrote:

At first I thought you were a male and that this girl was flirting with you. But realising that you are female I wonder if she is trying to get your approval. Proximity may be that she is unaware of body space or that she wants tp be your friend. Perhaps a well schooled NT (not me) would have said the first part of your of your inner thinking but stopped before the 'piss off' stage.

I'm off subject but I am replying to a pm about this topic

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I think there must be some chronic learning disability that is so prevalent among NT's that it goes unnoticed by the "experts". Krex

ebec11
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24 Feb 2008, 12:24 am

poopylungstuffing wrote:

I feel uncomfortable...it makes me tired...the effort of trying makes me act more wonky.

Me too...I have to do it ALL day at school, and I'm a mess by the time I get home.

nannarob
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24 Feb 2008, 12:28 am

I don't enjoy social stuff either and love to slop around at home. But I do think it is sad that you have so much wear and tear fitting into the everyday world. Wearing only black if that's your syle sounds like a good idea to me. I only wear flat shoes now but it's taken 63 years to snub the fashions.

Could it be that accepting oneself will lead to less stress of trying to be NT?

I have heard the story of one WP member who takes action figures to work and lines them up in different poses so as not to bore his work mates. That is probably not fitting into the NT world but he is having fun and the decent folk in the office are having fun too! I know many aspies love to play, and so do many NTs

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I think there must be some chronic learning disability that is so prevalent among NT's that it goes unnoticed by the "experts". Krex

Last edited by nannarob on 24 Feb 2008, 12:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

nannarob
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24 Feb 2008, 12:31 am

sinsboldly wrote:

This observation seems very wise to me

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I think there must be some chronic learning disability that is so prevalent among NT's that it goes unnoticed by the "experts". Krex

Social_Fantom
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24 Feb 2008, 1:51 am

When I did it years ago, I felt fake and like my IQ was below 60. I felt so stupid that I never did it again.

I have although learned to appear somewhat NT and still be myself. :lol:

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Icheb
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24 Feb 2008, 5:16 am

Jeyradan wrote:

Sometimes it's ugly. Subtext - why, WHY, do people add meanings to things I say? I didn't say I meant that... I didn't "hint" at it, my "tone" didn't mean it... so WHY do people want so hard to believe I meant something inappropriate or bad? Can't they just take what is said at face value?

For many NTs, having a conversation is akin to fighting - a confrontation that ends with somebody winning and somebody losing. Deliberately taking something the wrong way is like deflecting a blow. Especially when there are other people watching, twisting the other person's words is a deft and impressive maneuver similar to using an opponent's strength against him in martial arts. People who converse that way are always looking for an opening in order to assert themselves or impress bystanders.

tybald
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24 Feb 2008, 9:58 am

I get much the same thing as a lot of you are mentioning. I can do it (badly) but I hate it. It just exhausts me. The worst thing is though that having lived most of my life never even having heard of AS, I've always felt like there's something seriously wrong with me for not being an NT, and I find it hard to let go of that conditioning now and just be me.

I just don't get why people have to be so complicated!

ClosetAspy
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24 Feb 2008, 12:56 pm

I feel like I am two persons, the NT self and the Aspie self. The Aspie self even has a different name, but nobody else knows what it is. So I don't know if that means I am multiple personality. I can tell who's who, though.

The NT self is the face I put on to the world. She is dutiful, polite, meek, submissive, obeys rules, works hard, smiles when required, and is much praised for the act.

The Aspie self is mischevious, reckless, adventuresome, creative, passionate, thumb-your-nose at the world and to hell with the consequences. The Aspie self is pure fantasy. She has to be kept on a very short leash. Now and again she is allowed a glimpse of the world outside her box but it is not for long. When the Aspy self appears, it means trouble. She is criticized for being all the things the NT self is not. There is a war going on between her and the NT self. The Aspy self is like Puff the Magic Dragon (for those of you who can remember that song) and the NT self is like Little Jackie Paper. The Aspy self is afraid that just like in the song one gray night it will happen, Jackie Paper comes no more and she will be permanently banished to her island. So she is fighting for her life, but she cannot win. There is no room in the world for Magic Dragons.

MissConstrue
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24 Feb 2008, 1:37 pm

I've always tried to act like an NT, I never realized I had aspbergs up till 2 years ago. I usually can pull it off but once they get to know me a little better, they treat me a little differently. I get uncomfortable when it comes to this, so I disconnect. I feel like with sum NTs, my freedom of just being myself gets taken away. I find myself more comfortable with people that share some of the same interests and treat me like a human being.

angelgirl1224
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24 Feb 2008, 3:56 pm

Well to be honest i dont act like anything, i act like me.
i dont know what it is like to be ''Nt''.
behaving in a different way does feel fake, it feels like im hiding who i really am.
anyway

loveage
xx

Tsaryn
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25 Feb 2008, 3:24 pm

nannarob wrote:

Wearing only black if that's your style sounds like a good idea to me. I only wear flat shoes now but it's taken 63 years to snub the fashions.

Could it be that accepting oneself will lead to less stress of trying to be NT?

I think so-- I feel fortunate that I learned to accept myself BEFORE learning about Asperger's. I'd be afraid that I would use the label as an excuse to not try to fit in. Strange this dicotomy: Accept oneself as one is AND fit in at the same time. Doesn't always work, does it?

My black is comforting to me, yes. I like to think of it romantically like Johnny Cash sung: "I wear the black for the poor and beaten down, living on the hopeless hungry side of town" but then in an autobiography he said that ultimately, he just felt comfortable wearing black. I like that.

BTW: I too switched my shoes-- no more trendy, uncomfortable things-- basic black sneakers, similar to what nurses wear (comfortable, and I can get away with it as "office wear").

UnderThere
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25 Feb 2008, 4:06 pm

Having been recently diagnosed after 28 years on the NT planet, it is really hard for me to distinguish between acting NT and acting Aspie. I've "faked" it for so long, it is all fuzzy grey lines.

Being "around" other aspies is helping me realize where I can draw healthier boundaries in my daily life.

~Anna

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