Can someone help me understand this???

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Mum2ASDboy,

I've got 2 boys, one with AS and the other with HFA.

My HFA boy does exactly this - he's a destructor.

There's a lot of nice sentiment here about how he might not realize it's a book, or he wanted to see how it worked etc... but my boy... well, he just enjoys destroying things. It annoys us and he should have grown out of it, and he knows it's wrong - but he just keeps on doing it.

I'm having a very very hard time living with him and have absolutely zero trust in him. It's sad.

We've tried so many things, warnings, charts, punishment, rewards etc... nothing works.

He's not a destructor at preschool.

I think the answer to our problem - and possibly to yours is... boredom.

He gets bored and he enjoys destruction (taking things apart etc). There's no cure except to spend lots more time with him and to tire him out.

So far, this only works for us on weekends (when I'm home) and on Preschool days (when he's surrounded by others). My wife can't watch him all the time - particularly when she's helping my other son with homework.

I remember being very careful with the sissors when cutting big chunks out of my hair. I didn't run with the sissors, I didn't point them at ANYONE, just like I was told. However I was never told not to cut my hair with the sissors.

I am sure he was very careful with his book when he gently tore the page, mother. Are you starting to see what we miss when we hear things? we don't know unless we are told. really!

Merle


and the corporal punishment was 50 years ago, MumASDboy. I was not against the law then, it was considered responsible parenting.

more than boredom, I didn't value those things that people were trying to bargain for. I didn't value those things I was destructing, and distroying them didn't have any consequences on an emotional level for me. I didn't dislike them, they just were so much 'stuff'. I remember being put in an empty classroom at school 'for disipline' to read my book away from the class. There were about 12 violin bows on the shelf and I was looking at them and thought that they were the violin strings, instead. I knew that they needed to be streched tight and started twisting the screw that made the horsehair bow tighter and tighter and the slender wood of the back of the bow broke. I picked up the next one to fix it too ,and it broke as well, I went through each one trying to fix them just right but they all broke. I went back to reading my book. I forgot about doing it. Later two teachers came to me and asked me if I had broken the bows. I said no, because I forgot and anyway, I had 'fixed' them, not broken them. They let me go because they believed me because I believed myself. Later in my life I look back on this and was so confused at my behaviour. Decades later, I am writing these words with the first understanding of what was going on in my mind at the time. I hope this helps.

oh, yeah, as for commuication I remember my father just tossing up his hands and leaving the room because I kept just looking at him, I would not answer his questions or even acknowledge him being there, just looking at him. I didn't know I was supposed to reciprocate back to him, say something back to him, even though he told me I was in no uncertain terms. I was just watching, is all. I watched television and didn't have to reciprocate even if they told me to 'don't touch that dial!" or "and when the church bells ring tomorrow, remember to go to the church or synagoge of your choice*". I didn't touch that dial and my parents didn't take me to church, either, so everything was opitional. All this stuff was happening outside of me, and I suppose, no, I know I drove my parents to distraction by not knowing what was real and what was just my own imagination.

and when they said they would take what I DID want away unless I did their bidding, I just learned not to care for what it was I used to want. I wasn't being obstinate or stubborn, I was just doing it they said if you don't clean your room you can't go to the neighbor's birthday party. So I didn't go to the birthday party.

Amoral, I think they call it. Being moral takes a lot of inculcation.



Merle

*sign off of "The Howdy Doody Show"

This might be a bit off on a tangent given that Merle is struggling to understand why her boy is doing what he is doing - but my two cents.....

I was never great with books although I never tore them up like this. When I was young it was comics I preferred - especially Asterix and Tintin (still have the full collection of both today). Now to the specifics - a bug book? Maybe he hates bugs? "Lizard told me to" appears to back that up, although this "Dog said NO NO NO" is mystifying! A special interest may be a key to that one.

Pardon my lateral thinking!

What words are in the book?

About what he said. Did he mean dog though? The child of an acquaintance (only speaks a few words) tends to use one word to mean everything. I just thought it was a curious thing that you wrote that you told him it's bad to destroy books and he says that sentence about someone saying no. This may be completely off, but I wanted to mention as it reminded me of another boy.

As a layman, I can only suggest giving Mum2ASDboy's son toys that he could take apart, or even books that the parent don't mind being destroyed (you can get cheap books children and otherwise from second hand bookshops). Different kinds, not just children's book, so he can understand that there are different kinds of books. Notice which kind of books he takes apart (ie the kind of pages, whether plain, had diagrams, or photos). Perhaps when he learns to read he will treasure books.

OOooohhh, pretyyyyy

Maybe in his world, he did tell you ... ? Granted, after taking it apart (my quess is he was after the pretty foil).

It doesn't seem to me he "destroyed" the book. He was problably quite careful in taking it apart. He asked you what to do with the foil... He knew it was important and should be saved! I also think taking away his other books is harsh. This was a very specific book he messed up. Unless all the other books have foil in them, they're not the same. I'm guessing here, of course, but I wouldn't think that book is the same as other reading books to him, because of that. Don't forget, even you have different standards for books. What do you do with that old telephone book that is to be treasured? Someone mentioned candy wrappers.... I think he just wanted that pretty foil inside (and maybe wanted to know how it got in there and/or how to get it out), and does not see this as destroying, he was just disassembling it.

Not trying to be harsh (I can't imagine what it must be like to have to raise an Autistic child), but sounds like you might be over-reacting. Mind you the whole lizard-dog thing might concern me, but that has nothing to do with being angry, distrustful, or punishing him.

I have no struggle to understand why her boy is doing this. I am just telling why I had somewhat the same behaviour.

Merle

sinsboldly,

Your perspective is really interesting and sounds so much like my son. You've described a lot of what goes on in our house.

So... what can we do to fix it?

Forgive me for being forthright.

What do you wish your parents had done when you were little to help you understand (not destroy things) ? Is there anything they could have done?

Thanks.. (and sorry for being so forward).

I agree with the comments about the boy wanting the foil. This seems like a logical reason for his destruction. I also think you need to be more clear with him about how to treat books. Using words such as special and gentle with a 5 year old isn't very effective, and is pretty much pointless with a 5 year old Autie. These words are too vague. How gentle is gentle? Most ASD people do best when things are black and white. Try saying something like "No ripping books" or a similar phrase that is direct and not confusing or open to interpretation. I'm 21 years old and I still need things explained like this. For example I made an error on the financial aid form for my college because it asked if there was anyone I supported other than a child or spouse. I support myself so I answered yes, which I shouldn't have. Misinterpretation is one of my biggest challenges. Be clear and direct, it works!

OOOPS!! !!

Sorry, Merle - I got you mixed up with Mum2ASDBoy!