Please help. Question I cannot easily summarize.

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Well, you've both advocated rather extremist positions that I doubt are viable in reality... oscuria basically said "suck it up, deal with your problems and be what your family wants you to be" whereas you come across to me as saying, "screw everyone else, do whatever you want and you don't need to take other people into consideration." I would have a difficult time endorsing either recommendation. Trying to explain things to his family might work better, or, since he does not lack the ability for speech but rather is simply uncomfortable with it (which is understandable) it might be better to compromise at least a little and perhaps just gradually speak less and less until it isn't really expected of him, rather than a confrontational "I'm not talking anymore, deal with it" attitude.

What no one has considered except most likely the original poster is the physical difficulty that comes with speech. I find speech to be very physically and emotionally taxing. I do it a lot anyway, just because it gives me an emotional connection I crave, but I hate it! I can write and think so much better in writing. It is so hard to force my thoughts thru the funnel that is speech but they come out automatically without effort in writing. I feel exhausted after talking for too long, but unfortunately you need to talk to get just about everything in this world. I used to hate the phone but now I talk on it a lot just as I said because I am so isolated and need that emotional connection. I usually sleep for a couple hours after a phone convo tho because it exhausts me as I said.

Why don't you try dropping it into them carefully? Write a letter explaining how you feel and leave it where they'll find it before you go to bed/out so that they'll have time to look at it and consider it properly. Write down what you've written here, that you're afraid that they won't like it. It might help to suck up a bit to them too: say you don't want to anger/disappoint them and that their opinion does matter. You come across as very sensible from this topic, I'm sure you'll be able to write something that clearly shows your view.

And if they are uneasy about it, you have to try and prove to them that it'll be okay, and it'll be better for you. Keep writing them notes, even if you're still having to talk to them, say what you've been doing in school and anything else you think might interest them. Maybe leave some space on the note and a pen for them to write something back. If you keep working at it, I'm sure they'll get used to it. You just need to be patient.

I wouldn't suggest stopping talking to them completely though, at least not to begin with. Still say the normal greetings and goodbyes that you say at the moment at least. You'll probably be able to stop that eventually, but for now it would be better to keep it up.

One thing that they might bring up is that if you're living away from home, out of town, then you won't be able to phone them. Try promising emails and regular visits instead?

And remember in the "real world" things might not work out like that. If you're having a problem with bills, you'll have to talk to someone about it. If you get ill, you'll have to talk to someone about it. It might be worth learning sign language, or whatever speechless people use.

That's not true. I suggested writing, and I assume the others who did too, exactly because of that. I'm very much aware of how tiring talking is: I don't need as much recovery time as you, only half an hour to quarter of an hour, but I know what it's like to hate speaking.

I've always had the option to write when things are getting to me rather than speak. In fact, with my boyfriend, I communicate better online than face to face, and we've had "text" conversations by passing the computer back and fro with each other before. I rarely have to use it with my parents, but then again I rarely speak to my parents now, and when I was living at home I would usually only talk to them for any period of time during an argument (which is when all the important stuff in my life came out).

Erm.. if you're having a problem with having to speak in normal regular school, you're going to have an even bigger problem in college. Why? Because they want you to talk more. Discuss things in class. Do presentations in front of the class. Those are just a few examples.

There is no way you're going to be able to avoid talking. It's just not going to happen, especially in a regular college.

I have a similar problem to you, though it's less severe. I don't mind talking, but only at small intervals. I hate the ppl who come up to you and say "are you ok?" etc, because I get paranoid and think "why are you saying that, have I done something that seems bad?", and I don't ask them back, which is the social "norm" and ppl get angry with me. I know I cannot make it in the world without talking, and so I force myself to do it. I manage a pub, and have to talk to ppl everyday, and it exhausts me, but I have to do it in order to live. I had to drop out of university because the stress was to high for me to deal with. Too many presentations, discussions, explanations of why I was late and so on.

It's just not an easy world to live in. And not talking makes it harder. I've tried it.

Last edited by LadyMacbeth on 12 Mar 2008, 7:01 am, edited 2 times in total.

The way I'm reading Mikhailhost's problem, Orwell, is that the family is being completely intolerant to him. In my experience comprimise just doesn't work in that case. It becomes a case of one doesn't have a choice. The situation has become rather clear - two choices. Oscuria's or mine. You seem the think there is middle ground, and unfortunately I don't think there is. And Oscuria's method leads to low self esteem and in extreme cases thoughts of suicide. That situation should be avoided at all costs. I don't think Mikhailhost wants to be a slave to what his family wants (sorry - but that's what I'm reading from his description of what's going on). My method may not be the most respectful, but at least it builds character and the ability to stand up to such abuse - and confidence in oneself as well.

I have a feeling that once out of your current environment talking will become a little less intimidating. At the moment, in the time when you should have a chance to relax to get over the day and all it entails, you are being forced to do something that you find taxing.

Perhaps a change in environment would make it easier to do those speeches at your new school. In the mean while, it is their house/their rules. The rules that you find you just cannot obey, try to be polite. I don't really like the "get out" someone else posted, until you really are out something that means the same, maybe handing them a note saying "I do not wish to speak at this current moment, it is speaking, in general, that I find difficult and it is not you. As a compromise I am willing to type or write my answers." They might take it the same as a get out, but you have been polite (as long as you don't smirk while you hand it to them.).

One thing I think is a good idea: I was working at a large retail store, and about once a week a death/mute couple would come in. The man would present a laminated business sized card that said "I am death/ and mute, please make sure I am looking at you when you speak to me, I will write my answers to you." He would show this card every time he came in to the person he wanted to help him. (he normally came to me, i guess because I seemed the most patient?, and normally left with exactly what he wanted.)

How about have a business card ready to show to people who initiate conversation with you? Something like "I have a medical condition that makes verbal speech difficult to understand, and difficultly speaking to others. Please speak slowly and make sure I am looking at you, I will write or type my answers."

If understanding people is an issue, I would show the card to your professors and ask them if you could be allowed to make an audio recording to help you with note taking. That way if you missed something, you could rewind.

This site gives a few helpful examples of alternatives to speaking: http://thiswayoflife.org/alttospeech.html

I don't know if any of them are viable for you or not. I think that life is hard enough, and if someone needs to have certain accommodations then there's nothing wrong with that. If a person has great difficulty speaking I don't see why they should suffer by using every last bit of their energy to talk to people when they could use a communication device, and use their energy for other more productive things.