Love-shyness and Asperger's

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I was considered highly outgoing as a child, a sort of ringleader. I had kids flocking to me because my great imagination led to devising fun games that they liked. And then somewhere along the way, it all disappeared. I lost the ability to connect with other kids and found it easier to deal with older people, usually adults. I still made friends, but now I started to alienate them and would occasionally turn them from friends into enemies for reasons I could never fathom. Looking back, clearly I was doing things to make them dislike me without ever picking up on the cues, and it must have correlated with my greater sense of self as unusually intelligent, with the resultant superiority complex. I became engrossed in science texts and would pedantically drone on and on about the stuff I knew, and I bet this drove everyone mad. I thought I was teaching them...they must have seen me as a smartypants know-it-all. And I did take satisfaction in knowing more than others, even many adults. Anyway, as time passed, I became less social, which led to me being marginalized, which led to me having less desire to reach out, which eventually led to social anxiety as I reached the age where bullying could present problems. I never got too badly bullied because I was quick on my feet and defused dangerous situations before getting beat up, but I did get picked on and teased a lot, which made me withdraw even more, leading to all kinds of protective mechanisms. Of course, adolescence came along and interest in girls, but I didn't know how to connect with any except as a friend, and so I never got to date. Girls that expressed attraction/interest in me freaked me out so much because I didn't know how to deal with it, and I was paranoid they were setting me up to be made a fool in front of others, so I never took a chance when opportunities arose. So I went from an outgoing and gregarious early elementary schooler to a "shy" late elementary schooler to high schooler. I never felt shy, though, and that was so frustrating. It was a combination of having other interests to compensate for my lack of socializing and a preference not to risk being humiliated in public.

And then in my mid-twenties I learned I was an HSP (highly sensitive person), and that seemed to explain a great deal about my social issues. HSPs pick up on stimuli easily and can become overstimulated before everyone else, thus leading to a desire to withdraw, but this didn't explain everything. Then learning about Asperger's filled in the rest. Interestingly enough, being an HSP means I can often detect when something is wrong, socially, like I can tell when maybe I'm not doing what I should be doing, but Asperger's makes it difficult or impossible to know what I actually should be doing. It can be very frustrating.

Anyway, at least now I know enough to tell others I am not shy, but explaining fully what I really am can be tedious and time consuming.

I have to admitted I'm shy towards girls that I really like a lot but trying to over come though.

I don't consider myself as good-looking (maybe because of my depression), but I've heard that from a lot of women yet, and even today so. I can remember MANY times when I knew some girl was waiting for me to make that "first move", but, as I didn't do anything, she quickly left me. That happens at school, today.

But I've never had a girlfriend and I'm not sure if I ever will. I'm extremely passive and WOMEN are expected to be passive, not men. That's what I call pure and simple social ineptness.

As a lad I thought of myself as Shy, but was never labelled as such. I tried to 'act' social, and utterly failed. It was not until my late twenties that I met a woman who appreciated me. (And she was an alcoholic.)

Maybe a bit of a history on how my girlfriend and I finally hitched up would help a bit.

First, let me start out by saying I agree with that evaluation- I always used to think of myself as shy, but looking back, a lot of it was just being socially inept, not knowing what to say, all that. Of course, being part of a financially broke family living in NJ, back then...well, I was sort of embarrassed, too( I live in Ohio now- they welcomed me with open arms).

Now, when I started working at my job out here, there was this girl who I was workin' with...and according to my co-workers, she'd taken to me since DAY 1!

First of all, I'd been teased a lot up to that point, so naturally didn't believe a word of it....and aside from that, she kept mentioning she had a boyfriend- which she did( although she wanted to get away from him, as he was a real schmuck- and I mean bad in the WORST of ways).

Second of all, she kept saying how much she wanted to set me up with one of her friends, which sounded pretty cool- and I figured "this is likely the ONE chance I'll ever have- anyone else who ever wanted to set me up...utterly failed at even FINDING someone to set me up with"

What I didn't know was, the whole time, she was trying to imply to me- apparently- that SHE wanted me, but gee- I have AS..guess how well I picked up on it? Truth be told, there were a lot of very conflicting messages, so I just dismissed it all.

A few weeks later, thanks to her boyfriend, she lost her job- but I still spoke to her here and there- and found out that she was pregnant.

Regardless, he finally pressured her into marrying him, to which I was naturally invited to. I kept calling them, to see how they were, and to find out the wedding date. They were aiming for February 14th, but weren't solid on it, so I put off taking that day off from work 'til I knew. What I DID notice was that every time I called, she would dash to the phone, really excited to talk to me. I thought it was cool, and that she was a cool friend, but figured "hey, she's got a great guy( or so I thought at the time)- I'm just happy for her".

Then it happened...

On January 2nd, I was checking my voicemail at 4 AM, and noticed she'd called me 6 times, left a voicemail, AND a text message, saying "PLEASE call me back when you get this". This struck me as funny, but anyway, I called her, and found out the wedding had been called off- and that's where she laid it down for me about what a douchebag her- now ex- really was.

I couldn't stop thinking about her- and a few things kept going thru my mind:

"Y'know...it's funny- how likely is it for a girl to call off a wedding, tell her friends- yet call them 6 times, leave a text message, AND a voicemail? Hmmm...maybe...maybe there WAS something to it when everyone keeps telling me she wants me. And...truth be told...I still WOULD like to be at her wedding- but not as a spectator..."

Well, a few weeks later, I was at work, she came in to see me- she looked so happy to be there- and I got her phone number...but at the same time, she sent me a bit of a conflicting message by telling me "we're gonna keep my ex in prison as long as possible, but we're looking to get him some help soon".

Regardless, one night I was watching Monk with my dad, and a perfect image of her popped in my head..my arms and legs went to jell-o, and I started sweating like a dog, and breathing hard.

Then I started calling her regularly on weekends, and she sounded very happy to talk to me- though might I add the anticipation and anxiety of calling her was really getting to me. So anyway, we started spending time together, and she kept hitting on me, and my ROOM-MATE said to her "I see chemistry between the two of you".

Well, apparently I wouldn't be able to see her the next week, cause that week would've been the weekend of her wedding, so I was even MORE concerned about her...then on Friday afternoon, the doorbell rang- and she surprised me at the door with a Valentine's Day gift. And I did it- I told her how I felt about her, and how I'd been holding back- how I was always thinking about her, and how I couldn't stop. Apparently, we were both on the same page- she wanted me as much as I wanted her. So we spent some time together that day, and thus, what would eventually lead into the relationship we're in now officially started its ascent.