Shame and autism (NOT a sexual topic)

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I just have all this paranoid that I can't stop. Like, how many more people like her are there in the world? People in positions of power? I can't stop feeling so scared. Like I could be sectioned if I do the wrong thing or am too lazy, I could be disregarded or dismissed because of my diagnosis. How much of life mimics her? It's been killing me for years, trying to figure out if I lived in a trustworthy society, if I could trust the government. I feel sometimes like my life will consist 70% of being taxed, fined, ticketed, incarcerated, "evaluated" but not right, picked up by the cops for walking down the street the wrong way, questioned, interrogated, imprisoned, declared mentally incompetent, "held" "just in case", stopped by cops and asked for my ID at random, patronized, bossed around, ordered around, told what to do and say, threatened, misunderstood, misinterpreted, restrained, tasered, tortured with the word "behavior", psychologically abused, diagnosed with things that aren't me, all that. I'm so scared of all that crap. I'm scared of any society that allows such institutions as behavioral hospitals to exist. I'm scared of all the crap the government seems to be doing now. Trying to get everyone's fingerprints. Scaring parents into getting their kids fingerprinted in case they go missing, giving all these perks to people who join the Armed Forces, making it harder to live (economic control) without either being a criminal or being in the Armed Forces (and being fingerprinted). I don't know; sometimes I think this is okay and other times I'm so scared. I wasn't when I was on Celexa for depression and anxiety but I haven't been taking any for a month. I don't know if all it does is make you complacent anyway.


Will I ever find anyone that totally understands me 100% and knows what not to do to me or have done to me? I need it so bad.

Best thing to do is just not worry about it- know it's out there, but not worry about it. Live your life to the best of your abilities. Remember- the world is made up of stupid people, with a few smart ones thrown in for good measure. That's nature- it's something you can't change.

The object of the situation is not to become overwhelmed by it, but to live a great life DESPITE it.

In fact, here's an interesting egotistical thought for ya to munch on: I live in the state of Ohio, in the USA. To this day, I still cannot fathom how most people can put up with living in other countries with so little freedom- but they do it. And many of them are quite happy with their lives, regardless of all the restrictions. I'm sure there are even many happy people in Kazakstan, Uzbekistan, Iran, Vietnam, Denmark, Germany, Africa, and France.

Despite the idiots that surround them, they live very happy, fruitful lives.

They must have something, then. Something that gives them the inner stimulation to do it. Like someone that understands them perfectly. And a lot of them don't, and they're miserable, and they're only just existing and trying to stay alive. They have a lot of problems they had to forget in order to concentrate on finding food or whatever. It's going to catch up with them if they live long enough. I don't want to live like that. I want to have a better life than that.

it would be threaputic to go to a professional writer and have them help you put a book together on what happened and how you survived it. also if u can crack the book market. the books about people that endure horrific things that go on to live great lives sell well.

making a big pay packet with a book about what happened would be a great form of revenge.

Ana, don't kick yourself in the butt fo not standing up to an adult when you were 10 years old. 10 year old children are small and lack experience, they are supposed to be taken care of, not abused. I noticed her letter focused on possible embarrassment to her, not the wrong that was done to you. Typical sociopathic attitude. My biological father left when I was 4 and showed up many years later making lame excuses. I told him to piss up a rope, except I said it much more vulgar than that. Write your nut job mother off and work at making a happy, productive life for yourself. If posting on this site has a catharsis type effect for you then to hell with your self centered mother. Try a walk in the woods. Looking at nature is great, I like to go to the tide pool beach just north of Tamales Bay and look at anenomes and rock crabs and moving water to relax.

Those feelings are very likely what has been in your brain from upbringing. I read that as we develope, our brain developes certain defense mechanisms. For some people it's fear, others it's acting out violently. I have some fears of failure myself, because of my upbringing. I think the fear for most people is the brains activity to avoid threats and dangers. If the brain recognises certain feelings or activity there in, it acts on it.

First off, if you want to do anything about it, you should seek out the similarities of those emotions and place them to the causes. Which ones have you experianced before, and which ones are the most similar? What, then, happened to cause the emotions? Do you feel like avoiding situations like them for personal safety? Start as far back as you can, and try to remember. Write it down if you need to. Then you will know what's really causing it, rather then thinking "God there I go again! What's my problem?" (Course you might still think that because you learned to blame yourself, no thanks to her )

Plus, you will be mentaly placeing blame where it's more due, rather than where it doesn't need to be. After that, what is done is to put in little ideas and stimuli at a time that go against the @$#% your brain knows that results in certain problems.

It's possible, so I think, for one's brain to learn newer and better copeing mechanisms. If that's true, just let me also point out that it takes alot of time. For most people it's so long in fact that it seems like it's imposible. Some just flat give up, believeing it's futile. After all, it has a life time of $#%^ in it. Patience and nose tissue will be needed.

Last edited by LiendaBalla on 19 Mar 2008, 8:23 am, edited 6 times in total.

Your mother sounds seriously disturbed.

I don't know.


I got so intimidated though when she would say I had to wear a certain style because everybody else did. What a REASON! She acted no better than the idiot kids at school who pick on other kids because they dress different. She's encouraging that behavior and helping it out. It's like she wanted to adopt one of those kids. Or a passive coward who sucked up to society.


Later she always, always said she would never force me to do or wear anything. She would get angry or irritated or distressed and say or shout, "You can go out wearing a garbage bag for all I care!" or something like that. But she would keep nagging; it's like she would be emotionally uneasy if I didn't dress exactly as she wanted or within her standards or society's standards or both. Defending herself saying "All I wanted was for you to fit in!" Guess what? Does everyone have to look the same? Am I a fugitive on the run from the law that has to blend in? "All I want is for you to have friends!" Guess what? I don't want shallow friends.

Note: by the words "acting" and "behaving", I mean no harm (I'm not a behaviorist), I don't know how else to say that I wish I knew how she felt that made her do that.

that mother of yours has serious problems.

don't blame yourself anymore. you have nothing to feel shame about.

Most people are like that, your mom just does it to such an extreme that it can't be hidden with the sugar-coated sound bites about respecting diversity and individuality that only covers uo the latent sheepishness of most people. Most people treat social norms and customs (like "proper" dress and "proper" behavior and "proper" ways for men and women to act) as if they were unalterable laws of nature unless they are explicitly taught otherwise.

Well, in some situations it is the law of nature but she doesn't realize sometimes (or a lot of the time) that society is a lot more openminded than that. I was brainwashed, probably unintentionally or with good intent, but still, to believe the neighbors are snitches, people will laugh at me behind my back, etc. And what's wierder? My mother isn't a social climber. Or maybe she was depressed because she wanted to be, but was too poor, and single and s**t. I don't know. She put down social climbing ways, as did my dad. They put down people living thru their kids. But maybe they only talked about it because it takes one to spot one and they felt that way themselves. I don't know. My mother has old-fashioned ideas about society and never got over her country-bumpkin strict Christian "You'll be beaten if you swear", "I cried in shame because I spilled a can of paint" upbringing. She's been in the city for most of her life but always inside depressed making excuses not to go out, like wanting to make sure I was okay and back in school and stuff before starting her own life. So she never got out, and she never learned that there are a lot of open-minded people and this society is a lot more open-minded than that, but she learned a lot of it and improved with me a lot when she started getting out more and was forced to be around people at the YMCA all the time and s**t. No, I ouldn't force her to go out. I'm not a behaviorist. But I prefer her not to say that about me, that's all, or make any guidelines like that for me.