likelihood with AS that your children are on the spectrum

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I'm AS and my son is too. He has more serious sensory issues than I do, but it still is the fact. He's my only one, so the chances of me having a child with the same/similar characteristics was 100%. I know families that have one AS parent and half the kids are AS. I know no families where there is an AS parent and there are no children on the spectrum. I'm not sure it's possible.

Good point.

From a parent's perspective, you want to PREPARE your kids for what is ahead when they get married. Parenting is difficult in general, and unless you're really a gifted parent, parenting a child with autism is particularly difficult. I get kind of tired of people making some parents on this forum out to be unfair, or evil, or whatever, because we talk about this difficulty. It is also WONDERFUL to be the parent of a child with autism. But the difficulties are hard, sometimes harder than with an NT child, specifically because you can see the unhappiness a child goes through with the feelings of not fitting in, and you wish as a parent that you could help with this, and you can't. Does that make me a bad person because I wish my child didn't have to go through that pain?

If children on the spectrum had difficulties with social interaction, but they were always happy and didn't care about these difficulties, then it would be a non-issue. If people who are severely autistic were not often violent (and I am admitting here that not ALL severely autistic people ARE violent), then this also would not be a problem. For instance, I have a friend with a son who is severely autistic. He is obviously bright, and he is just now, at age 16, writing on the computer even though he has been nonverbal, and they are learning all sorts of things about how well his mind works. The concern with him is that he is 250 lbs., very tall and large, and he has meltdowns that often cause people to be hurt. They cannot take him to church any more, because he has (unknowingly) hurt elderly people there when he has had a meltdown. They also have had a baby in the family (she is now five) who he may have accidentally hurt. This is a REAL concern. This is not a made-up discrimination against people on the spectrum.

The reality of having children on the spectrum is that the NT world doesn't understand them, and often isn't inclined to want to accommodate them. This is emotionally hard on the person, and hard on their parents because parents feel their child's pain accutely. It is insulting to me that a person on the spectrum would accuse me of discrimination against people on the AS spectrum just because I want to make sure that my marriage-age children talk about it with their potential mates. It's important that the marriage-age child and their mate know what they will be facing, that they know there's a chance that they will have a child with AS. One partner may be fine with it, and prepared to deal with it, and another partner may not even want to bother with the possibility, and may even decide against marriage altogether (not the situation with my son and his potential mate). What if the information wasn't disclosed, and the couple only came to the realization AFTER marriage that one partner couldn't handle the situation?

I totally agree that the possibility of having a child on the spectrum should not be a reason to not have children, but honestly, you can't blame a person for having concerns after reading so many sad posts on this forum, day after day after day, and not have concerns about the issue with your marriage-aged children. There are great highs with having children on the spectrum, and I am lucky to have experienced those highs on a daily basis. But sometimes, the lows are VERY low (and yes, I know that lows can often be experienced with NT children as well). As a parent, I don't want my child to be "perfect" or without diffculties, I just always wish they could be happy. It's very hard, as a parent, to know that you can't guarantee their happiness. So, in the very least, you want your children to have all the facts of a situation in front of them so that they can make their own decision about their future.

Kris

especially when they're happy and about to get married!

Sedaka, so you don't want to discuss anything prior to marriage, especially if they're happy, eh? (friendly sarcasm)

Kris

This concept of "warning" kids about to get married about the possibility of having a child on the spectrum is probably the whole problem with my original post. It's not so much a "warning" as a discussion prior to marriage about how they would PLAN for the possibility, and what they think they would do if it would happen -- what are the steps they might take to help the child and each other to work on a happy family life. This is much the same as discussing family finances, how they plan to accomplish school, grad school, saving for a house, how many children they want, who will work, how they will raise children, etc.

Let me put it this way:

Personally, had I known I was to have a child on the spectrum (or any child that was not the typical child), I probably would not have married my husband (and this is not a surprise to him, so don't worry about this being offensive to him). My husband was an only child, hadn't had much experience with children at all. Fatherhood did not come easy to him. We always joke around that neither one of us is a "natural parent" meaning that we don't think we are very good at it. My husband has grown into being a great parent, but he is not without his problematic short temper. Patience is not his strong suit. Our sons require MUCH patience. Yes, as a parent you develop more patience than you think you have initially. But if I could have the advantage of hindsight, I would have picked a man with more siblings, more experience with children, and who was just a touch more empathetic.

This is more what I'm talking about than a "warning." And, lucky for my son, his potential mate is a sweetheart and will make a wonderful mother -- much better than me!

Kris

Hmm. My dad is autistic, and he is a very good father. In fact he had an advantage in understanding me and my brother.

(Here's a bunch of pictures of him in a youtube video.)

Having been known as violent, I don't like the way violence in autistic people is viewed and discussed, especially the tendency to write all about our weight as if our growing to adult size is some kind of horrific thing. I doubt I will ever see eye-to-eye with you on that though because I've been on the wrong side of it and it's not usually so simple as just a "result of severe autism" with that having the only culpability in the matter. The idea that someone ought to just not have ever existed rather than be that way isn't something either I or my parents would get behind.

I have AS and my husband is on the spectrum (we suspect HFA). Both of our children are on the spectrum. Our daughter has Asperger's and our son has PDD-NOS and a language disorder. They are INCREDIBLY smart children, and we love them exactly as they are. Autism isn't the worst thing in the world, it also comes with gifts - which are apparent once parents stop feeling sorry for themselves.

Siblings don't necessarily provide the necessary experience. My husband has MANY siblings. No one has a handbook for parenting, and no one is guaranteed a perfect child. No one starts out being "good at" parenting. We all stumble once or twice (or more) before we get our footing. My children are autistic, but they allow me the opportunity to see the world through different eyes and to have a new perspective. In fact, I am considering going back to school to become a therapist so I can work with children with autism. While this young woman may end up with a husband and a child on the spectrum, she could marry a neurotypical man with 19 siblings and end up with a profoundly autistic child, a child with a serious birth defect, or a number of other possibilities.

Not everyone shares your feelings, and for that I am sure I am not alone in feeling grateful. You say your intent is wanting to help them plan for the possibility so to have a happy family life if this should occur - however you say you wouldn't have married your husband had you known about this before. Sounds like a contradiction. I'll keep the rest of my opinions to myself for the sake of keeping the forum appropriate. Let the happy couple be.

anbuend: what a lovely video!

I'm also a bit puzzled by the implication that having siblings is at all preparation for parenting, because I perceive two very different set of relations. If anything, I guess my relationship with my younger sister has taught me what not to do, I guess.

just saying, i doubt it hasn't occurred to them... and you probably don't want to put yourself in that situation. i can see rifts starting.

I saw an interesting article on parents in Silicon Valley, CA that may be seeing a disproportionate increase in number of children in that area born with ASDs. The article is probably already posted on this site somewhere, but if not, here it is again:

http://www.time.com/time/covers/1101020 ... utism.html

I didn't even learn that I was on the spectrum until my youngest was already several years old. I can't imagine how I would have felt had my mother known I was an aspie and on the eve of my wedding "warned" me that my children could be aspies... Like it's a bad thing??? NTs aren't bad enough... my own mother??? Egads! Would you "warn" your son that there is a possibility that his offspring might have blue eyes? Of course not, because nobody cares about different eye colours.

The more I know and understand my aspieness, the more I think that being allowed to be who we are is way more important than what we are.

The second that autism spectrums become the horrible thing that Tay Sachs can be, well, THEN, it becomes something to discuss with our adult children in reference to THEIR possible children. Until then, I thinks it a bit of overkill.

I could be wrong; but it's how I feel today.

The chance is much, much higher if AS is in the family (I believe 60%+? I can get links or find the research where this was done, but it'd take effort. I have a book right beside me that has all the info in it, actually, I'm just really lazy, pah), and the chance increases greatly if AS is on both sides of the family. The chance of actually having AS if it isn't in your family is incredibly low, so basically yes, it should be discussed.

However, AS isn't exactly the kind of thing you would not have a kid over. Obviously you'd want to KNOW it could happen, especially so you could get an early diagnosis if you suspect your kid is showing signs, etc... So I'd say talk about it, research it, and probably diagnose your son that's getting married.
Oh, and I believe if a parent has AS, it's probably much easier to understand a kid with AS. Just going on logic there, meh.

And guys, I don't think this mom is really the kind of person you should be getting angry at. She seems rather nice and caring, to come and check whether this would be a problem, and she never said anything that would make me believe she'd tell her son not to have kids if they could have AS (seeing as one of her kids for sure has it, and the other might).

I agree that having the conversation should come up at some point, but just before his wedding???

I would think that if the kid is high functioning enough to be getting married then he's high functioning enough to know that he's genetically inclined to have children on the spectrum... I just question raising such a topic within a few weeks of the kids' wedding. It seemed like overkill moreso because of the timing than the topic.

To clarify, though, this mom (whose name currently escapes me) seems to have handled it well. Other moms might not do such a good job with such a topic at such a time.

Beautifully said, thank you.

I am actually more concerned about my daughter (and future children) might not be aspies. My daughter is all sociable and NT-like and it scares me a little sometimes. Her bio-dad (my idiotic ex) told me as part of his argument in favor of me murdering my baby while she was in my uterus, that I would be a horrible mom. He put a sad look and pretended to be a kid and said : Mommy, why are you always so quiet? Why wont you call me by my name?

He was obviously a manipulative sociopath, but he still kind of had a point. I think that I might feel more comfortable raising an aspie child. I still think I am a great parent but I also always have to make an effort to be affectionate and interact in a way that can be satisfying for her. Discipline is especially challenging as I cant understand why it would work with anyone. She still is young (4 in august) so her Aspie-ness might be yet to come, otherwise Ill just have to watch a lot teenage sitcoms to figure out how NT kids live.