How to mail Temple Grandin?

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This is about the book not about the original topic.

In that book I noticed a lot of places where she gave examples of things that were not possible for everyone to do, and I think it's good to learn what those things are, but I wondered what on earth we are supposed to do if it's not a matter of "don't know how to do this" but "can't do this even if we know it". I found the book very geared towards people who just don't know (but who will be able to do it if they do know) and while that's useful I still wonder what she thinks of the rest of us.

Dr. Grandin is one of my big heroes, possibly the biggest one. However, I don't agree with everything she says.
Her comments about grooming, style and manners come from a different era and she states that plainly. She says that Aspies brought up in the more conservative times (50's) have the advantage of learning social rules explicitly and having very narrow parameters for dressing. She thinks that parents that let their autistic kids wear whatever and not brush their hair are doing them a disservice.
That's her opinion.
Why contact her over a point like that? There is some truth in it.

My son does dress normally but he carries himself to the point that his clothes look awkward on him. Like he pulls his pants up too high and his shirts sit on his belly. This is almost a stereotype for an Aspie. So, I think there is more to looking "different" than just dressing in particular clothes.

You know, I wonder if that has something to do with the increase in diagnoses. I know that I sure could have benefited from well-defined rules!



I'd be inclined to agree with that.



Oh, absolutely. But letting your kid go to school wearing a superman costume and with matted hair is just irresponsible. It would be like letting your kid eat nothing but ice cream, because he doesn't understand nutrition.

Even if someone chooses acceptable clothes, they may still bully. I move awkwardly, and my clothes get sort of twisted around and hang funny. Or if they are uncomfortable I get squirmy and anxious. So I was noticed in school no matter what I wore. So the right clothes are not always a guarantee.

No certainly not. But why let the kid deliberately make their problems worse?

Well...

...in my case, I was often bullied, among other things, for not having brand-name clothing. Something not specifically autistic, but common to people whose parents are either poor, frugal, or spending most of their money on different things than clothes (mine were some combination of the second two).

I came to school wearing brand-name shoes one day (I was bugged constantly about my shoes), and they just found something else to bully me about. Which showed me that it was who I was they were bullying, the clothes were just an excuse.

Also, I went to a private school from ages 9 to 12, which meant I had uniforms identical to all the other kids, became the same age as the other kids (by repeating a grade), and was still bullied as much as ever.

When I got older (and more able to choose my own clothing, both functionally and in terms of what I was allowed), I did often dress strangely, but in ways that I liked dressing.

This actually provoked a very interesting response from some people.

While some people continued to bully me as ever, other people took it as meaning that I was choosing to be weird, which in some circles carries a higher social status with it than being weird without any choice.

So I fit in slightly better when I could pass for "choosing to be weird" (at least among some people, never among all) rather than for "just being weird because you can't help it". Many people struck up casual friendships with me (I could never have done the reverse) because I was seen as not caring what people think, which they considered an admirable trait.

There were also a few places I drew the line on appearance even back when I had more interest in fitting in: Nobody was allowed to pluck my eyebrows or shave me, anywhere. I don't know why I held out on those things, but I did.

As for my hair, my parents did eventually give up, but I can't blame them: I found having anyone do things to my hair excruciatingly painful, and screamed (involuntarily) loud enough my parents were afraid they were going to get accused of abusing me. So it ended up being one of those things where they picked my battles. These days, I tend to keep it short enough (or braided enough) that I don't have to do much to take care of it, but back then even haircuts tended to terrify me, and there was nothing my parents could really do about it. (And even harsh punishments didn't work on this, because it was a matter of a sensitivity, not a willful behavior.)

And, when I was dressing unusually, I was looked up to by some kids for "not caring what other people thought about me" (they didn't realize that I cared very much but was unable to follow various norms), whereas when I tried to dress normally/look normal and couldn't pull it off, it was obvious that I was simply unable to follow the usual norms and the bullying was consequently more pervasive. It's often better to be considered a willing misfit (which is considered to take courage) than an unwilling one (which is just considered pathetic).

I'm not saying here that there's necessarily anything wrong with trying to help a kid blend in better, but just noting from personal experience that it's not always that simple -- not always simple to actually do that thing, and also not always simple in the results being what one would expect them to be.

yeah, i think too that there is a moment in your life where you go from 'unconsiously weird' to 'consiously special'
and this is also for clothing

as a young kid i dressed quite 'personal', but i was not aware of this,
i was bullied a lot in secondary school,
kids shouting 'we have the same curtains at home' (about my fish-print dress, which i really loved)
At that time i was not really aware of the fact that i was 'different', later when i did, i adapted a style that looked a bit more
'punk', or 'new wave' (as it was called then, now the same style would be 'gothic, i think)
although i 'personalized' this style a lot, to the limits it would not really fit into it, this was not seen by the others as 'weird' but as 'cool'.

i now do the same, i copy people's clothes and make it personal, cause if i'd try to copy it 100 % it wouldn't work, i'd always be doing something wrong. If i personalize the style a bit then anything akward can blend with that. (and if not, well ... then i wouldn't be able to do anything about it anyway i guess ...)

When I was bullied in school they had a uniforms, but I can understand how you would get bullied for the way you dress. Though a uniform doesn't stop bullying. I was bullied in university too. I'm not sure for what reason (as ever), other then being a complete outsider.

Interestingly in the one school I was not bullied much, I dressed pretty unconventionally. One thing I wore a lot was this Che Guevara style beret. This was before indie kids started wearing stuff like PLO head scarves, and random s**t. I can't believe I did it. It would be difficult to now, even though I don't have to worry about school bullies anymore. Strangely it gave me something to hide behind and made me less anxious. Then again the school had children of different backgrounds and nationalities, and its fair share of social misfits, being a small school mostly comprising of expatriates' children. I was in my own world. People were nice enough to me but I didn’t reciprocate properly. I didn’t do any work there either. All I did was paint a mural and write some poems and short stories. I was voted most artistic and easiest to annoy/shortest temper (whatever that means…;) ) Both of those were joint awards, shared with one other person respectively. Well my temper has mellowed considerably. I think I deal with pent up aggression quite well now, but at the time I was not really aware that was a problem. My creativity sort of comes and goes.

Basically my policy towards bullies is to never see them again if I can help it. This is not possible in school. I have no time for them. So if I want to dress unconventionally now, then it is down to my own self confidence and just trying not to give a s**t. Easier said then done of course.

@alex I agree with your first post, but the following ones confuse me. What do you mean by ‘dress like a douche’? Other than literally dressing like one of those devices, which I’m sure would be pretty interesting. Couldn’t trendsetting also be seen by some as dressing like a douche? It is pretty subjective. I mean your yellow sneakers could be seen as trendsetting, but somebody else might think they are *fill in the blank*. I do think people who wear things with confidence are more likely to be accepted for it and possibly become a trendy. It is bout not letting the comments getting to you and convincing others. That is what memes are about. If you are not interested or can’t do one or other then it won’t become popular and there is a good chance you will get ‘ribbed’ for it.