Is it HORRIBLE to tell somene they lied?

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Well, this is an Aspie forum, so, in addition to stronger feelings than typical on the importance of honesty, you can expect to see here more tendency to a black-and-white view of the world. To many of us here (myself included) lying is wrong, and a lie is a lie is a lie. The context, the "level," the motive for the lie, all irrelevant. Lying is wrong; it should be avoided in ourselves and exposed and denounced in others.

My typical response to lie-detection depends on the nature of the lie.


If it is a minor social lie (the kind all mundies engage in on a daily basis), I'll usually just ignore it. I'll either not respond at all or give a random silly response just to shut them up.

If the lie is supposed to be in my favour, depending then on who is involved, I'll either stay silent or quietly correct it.

If the lie is directed against me though, I will tend to confront them on it.... and usually give them the ultimatum: "Either you're lying, or you're really that stupid. Which is it?" ...


I mean, on the whole I'm used to people lying.... or at least the mundies do it. Anyone who comes to know me over any length of time though generally learns to be 100% forthright with their truth around me, or I become uncooperative.

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Yes, you are right, I guess. I will keep this in mind, sir.

Regarding the whole black-and-white lying is wrong thingie...


I'd have to input that I don't think lying is wrong per se. I don't tend to think that about anything, because I am a Shades-of-Gray Exclusivist in that respect....
But I'd have to say it is certainly pointless, and a very mundie thing to do. I mean there is really no reason to lie when the truth will serve the purpose far more readily.... and it generally does.

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Last edited by SotiCoto on 02 Jun 2008, 10:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

ha ha. I went through a phase of going: "*squints eyes and gives evils* you're lying..." to people I barely know. they didn't like it.

I've almost ruined a friendship because I pointed out a couple lies she said. =/

An author I like noted that there are several ways to lie:

"Tell the truth....but not all of."

"Lie with such conviction that you believe it yourself."

"Tell the truth....all of it. BUT, do it so BADLY that people believe you are lying." (Technically this could be considered merely misdirection, if someone acts on the assumption that you were lying."

My experience with NTs is that they lie for lots of different reasons and calling out a lie before you attempting to decode those reasons is usually a great way to throw gasoline on a fire. Some lies merit being squashed immediately, e.g. lies that can endanger other people or hurt their feelings. But some lies cause more trouble in the confronting than they would ever cause in the deception.

An example: My wife's grandmother styles herself as 'thirty-nine' years old. When she was 43 and said this, it was the words of a pretty, but vain woman who didn't want to admit that she was over 40. When she was 53 and continued to claim it, it was obvious to everyone that she wasn't '39' but they went along with it because to do otherwise was to say, "You old fool!" Which would have been very hurtful to her.

Note that her insistence on this detail of her age only occurred in social contexts: she did not falsify government documents with an altered birthdate; anyone could see from her Driver's License what her true age was. But she lied casually on the subject because she simply couldn't bear the idea that she was no longer young and juicy and desirable. She wasn't delusional: she knew how old she was. But this lie was her refuge against the feeling that no one would want an 'old lady'.

When she turned 63 and we brought out the cake with the big wax 3 9 candles on them (for the 24th time) and she did something very unexpected: She blew out the candles and then before anyone could pull the candles out and start cutting the cake, she grabbed the '9' candle, pulled it out of the cake, turn it around and jambed it back in to the cake in front of the 3: It now read '63'; her true age. She grinned and said that she needed to collect Social Security in two years and they wouldn't give it to a 39 year old great grandmother.

We all laughed for two reasons: She had finally come to grips with her age (for a while she had trouble admitting she had great-grandchildren) and wanted to show everyone that she was not crazy and didn't actually BELIEVE that she was 39.

I've told this story to illustrate my point: Most of us find it difficult to endure anything less than Sempre Veritas but lies are part of the human condition. People tell them for different reasons. Before you decide to correct them consider these simple rules:

Who does the lie hurt? If it hurts or endangers no one, leave it alone. It isn't your problem, its theirs. (Obviously this rule is different if you're dealing with your own children.)
If the lie endangers no one, work out what possible reason this person would have for lying. It may tell you more about who they are and how to communicate with them.
If you decide to confront them about their lie and their lie endangers no one, confront them in private. Confronting them in public serves only to hurt them, and like most animals, they will bite back when attacked.

M