Crazy Things Done in Depression/Loneliness

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Things I do nowadays out of depression / loneliness / lack of hope for the future:

1. Instead of looking for a new job intensively since I've known I'm being fired from work, I engage in my interests and go out to see new places, tidy my newly rented apt., make sushi.

2. Continue smoking in spite of the doctors telling me it's very bad for my eyes in their state.

3. Partly neglect helping my parents.

4. Neglect my appearance.

When I was in seventh grade I tried to drown myself. I'm telling you right now it's not a comfortable way to go.
When I feel like dying I do stupid things. I do graffiti. Recently on a particularly low week I cut my hair short myself and dyed it hot pink. But the dye was bad so it ended up fading unevenly...I also did some Salvia which at the time was legal in my state. The experience was disturbing at best.
When I'm depressed I stop caring about my wellbeing, eat things I'm allergic to, etc. I sometimes end up shoplifting from places like WallMart. I fall out of touch with the people I care about. And I just hole myself up in my room.

When I was depressed when I was 17 I did some crazy things. Once I took a paracetamol overdose (41mg). Nothing happened so I got the bus home, then threw up continuously all night. My parents thought I had food poisoning. I've since learnt that you can die taking half that (and I am a small person), but I dont seem to have any long term effects (I think the liver regenerates pretty well).

A couple of months after that I was so depressed I cut school and walked to the nearest city (8 or 9 miles) where there was a bridge with a very large drop down to the river. I spent a lot of time hanging around there, but couldnt bring myself to climb over the edge (and they had anti-suicide nets too so it would have been difficult). When it got late in the evening I gave up and phoned my parents and after that I started getting help for depression.

Both these incidents left me with a horrible fear of death which lasted years until my second depression in the past couple of years. This time I didnt do anything stupid - I guess at the age of 30 you become more aware of your effects on other people like family. I did spend a lot of time thinking about just disappearing to the mountains and dying there of exposure, but never seriously considered carrying it out. Also the depression was less intense - I felt like life wasnt worth living, but dying was too much effort, just spent a lot of time wishing I would die in a way that wouldnt be considered suicide (like road accident, or sudden illness) so my family wouldnt be so hurt by it.