Social reciprocity question

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Yes I get that inability to say the "right" thing a lot. Those trite little greetings and phrases that are supposed to make the world go round just seem so stupid.

When people say "how are you?" to me, I often find myself replying "could be worse," which seems to make them laugh, though it's not meant to be funny. It's an honest appraisal of my situation - I'm not going to depress them with my gut reaction to how I am (that would just be a list of gripes and greivances), so I give them the same line as I give myself when I've just bemoaned to myself my fate on this poxy planet - at least, it could be worse. Other times I simply reply "awful" - but they can tell from my expression that it's not really that bad. More cryptically, I've said "well, it's Friday....." Another one I like is "mustn't grumble" in a contemptuous kind of tone, which is shorthand for "actually I'm shot through with pain, stress and disappointment, but I'd best keep it bottled like everybody wants me too."

That is hilarious, I am laughing with tears in my eyes right now, I have to hide from my boss' boss to avoid saying things like this; he is so incompetent; he will make things up just to "prove" he's right, thus far he hasn't brought me to the point of actually calling him incompetent, but then again, he hasn't shown me any kindness (false or otherwise) either, and thus has avoided tripping my wire.

A simple "thank you", I don't know, why perform an empty ritual? Is reciprocity about empty rituals?

See when I read about social reciprocity before, I wasn't aware that it meant I might know what to say but just not be able to say it. I thought it meant I was completely and totally unaware 100% of the time about social things and what was expected of me. I mean, granted I am sometimes. LOL But the main issue is just the overwhelming uncomfortable feeling with saying some of those back and forth things. I only recently became aware the I don't give back in conversation.. and I don't like to. When someone tells me about their day, my first instinct is to compare to my own and talk about something to do with mine. Or when someone asks me how I am, I tell them. And I don't ever ask about theirs, or if I do.. I have to grit my teeth and really really try to ask them.

At work today, I decided I would only join in the conversation when it was about something meaningful and interesting, and not just mindless small talk.
I waited all day. It didn't happen.

Saying 'Thanks' isn't an automatic response for me because I usually have to take a few seconds to understand exactly what it was that someone did for me. Most times I forget to say it but when I remember I usually send a written note or email saying thanks a little while later. Sometimes I will be so taken aback (mainly because someone doing something for me is so rare) that I forget to say anything at all, except maybe, "Uh..Okay."

If I get stopped by a police officer, though, I do remember to say 'thanks' after he hands me a ticket. Why I thank him for the traffic ticket I have no idea...

It reads to me that he's saying "no problem" is an acceptable answer, to the point of "you're welcome" being unusual.

I am pretty bad at social reciprocity, but I am learning. For instance, when one of my teachers or counselor says "(eman's real name), how are you today?" I should reply with "Good, how are you?" And when someone gives me something, I say "Thank you" and look happy, even if I don't like what I was given. One thing I cannot do is take a compliment. I end up blushing and just mumbling something incoherent. One thing I really have trouble with is eye contact. I can't look into someones eyes. I look down at the floor, but an occasional glance up to a teachers or my counselors face has shown they look a bit concerned that I am not making eye contact.

Spot on! you find yourself thinking of ways to say something about yourself, using what the other person has said. I always find myself not caring what happened to the other person, even though I know deep down I need to. It's not that I am being spiteful, my thoughts are sort of dulled (depression?) and any interest is sapped from what other people are saying before it reaches my brain.

As for social reciprocity, I often feel uncomfortable too. My example is my brother-in-law. He's a great chap, but he always goes to shake my hand whenever I meet him. I have to look down to see where his hand is so I don't just stick my hand out into empty space, but forget the important eye contact you're supposed to make while shaking hands. I always come away feeling uncomfortable.

And while I'm about it, that whole "How are you?" thing beats me as well. You start giving them a literal response but sort of fizzle out because you know you should have just said 'fine, thanks", and they interpret that fizzling out as disinterest. You just can't win, can you!

When someone tries to befriend me it often leads to me feeling awkward. Once a woman befriended me and I spent hours at her house stranded with her because she talked me into taking her car and I had no way home (except walking).
I met her while jogging.
While at her home, someone kept calling and she kept complaining about it even though she told me she wanted her to call. It sounded like typical bs.
"I want you to call only so I can complain that you called me"
If I didn't want someone to call I wouldn't tell them to call, would not give my number to them...I wouldn't give them my number then complain endlessly. That annoyed me.She kept giving me coffee. The coffee the OP mentioned reminded me of this.
Anyway, She wanted to come over to my house and weed my flowerbed out front.
So I agreed even though I didn't really want to. (I started absorbing her ways some)
Actually I wanted her to leave me alone but didn't say anything. (which is something I learned from the many NTs I have been around but feel uncomfortable with) I got the feeling nothing about her was real because of the way she kept complaining about people behind their backs to me, the neighbors, the one calling. I couldn't tell why she started talking to me in the first place. Why she wanted to talk to anyone? If she was just going to complain.
This is where I get lost with them. I cannot understand why they do this...
Somehow, our brief relationship came to a halt. I gave her some coffee at my house and she didn't drink it. This I thought was really rude (and her an NT too). I had to drink her sh***y coffee, cup after cup, because I thought it was the NT thing to do and she wasn't having any of mine not one sip.
I tried to ignore this realization, that the woman was completely fake and false why she even talked to me in the first place I kept ruminating, wondering why...why...why.
I think she called a few times after the weeding the flowerbed incident (I helped her weed hers earlier so she had to return the favor).
The entire episode was just bizarre, IMO.

Last edited by ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo on 08 Oct 2008, 6:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hmm. Perhaps he was waiting for you to make some kind of further inquiry about the coffee. The fact that he came over especially to give it to your husband shows that there must be something special about it - like some kind of special brew, or grown in some exotic locale or, um, processed in some *special* way and he was just dying to tell you about it, but only if you REALLY wanted to know - ? Of course, I only can say this after analyzing the situation, and drawing upon decades of trying really, really hard to figure people out. I *definitely* wouldn't have been able to figure it out on the spot either.

Well, he gave the coffee to my husband because he knew we ran out the day before and that I like coffee. It was Folgers. LOL I'm pretty sure that he wanted a thank you, and perhaps some witty banter about said coffee. Then again, what the heck do I know?

And Ana (wow feels weird to type that since thats actually my name) I have a friendship with a neighbor that feels just like your friendship. The awkwardness. Ugh. Its why I don't make many friends. I can't seem to get past the acquaintance feeling. Long after they feel they're good good friends with me.

Yes I have difficulty with reciprocity. Usually, when someone tries to start a conversation with me. I know I should pretend to be interested, or even genuinely be interested. But the latter never happens, and the former takes more effort than can be made up for by the so-called 'rewards' of social interaction. So I just stand there silently. Sometimes I turn away from them so that I don't have to look at them and be reminded of the socializing that I'm supposed to be doing.

When someone says 'how are you?' to me, I always reply with 'well, thankyou', firstly because this is the correct answer (most of the time I am physically well, even if my brain is going crazy), and secondly because it is the most gramatically correct answer.

FOLGERS? OK, yeah, I'm clueless too!