Why do people forgive parents after not raising them well?

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ThatRedHairedGrrl - yes that's fairly similar to my experiences. My parents didn't directly blame me for their squabbling very often, and in hindsight it was only when they were in a terrible emotional state, but a child can't be expected to see that. If just once they'd explained that the stuff they said in anger wasn't really meant. But Mum never really had good moods, and always played the harsh authoritarian, and never let go of the idea that I was somehow bad, dishonest, uncaring, awkward.

I got the "don't be" thing, and quite a lot of "don't do" as well. I recall my father telling me how the sky would be the limit with him in terms of treats, if only I would be a better boy. It didn't change me of course, "better" just meant more obedient, and I was already struggling to have any significant identity of my own.

I don't talk about them readily, it does seem to make people uncomfortable, and I don't think I'd have posted anything about them if I weren't anonymous here - wouldn't want it to get back and hurt anybody. It's annoying having to avoid speaking ill of the dead.

I hope you do manage to release yourself significantly from the burden. I'm wary of intense therapies that try to draw it all out, but I think bad memories are better shared. And if you have a clear picture of your own damage, the repairs and coping strategies ought to follow if you keep plugging away at it.

People forgive their parents because the alternative is carrying around a load of rage and anger forever. This can be very destructive to your personality, and it prevents you from truely moving on from the abuse. It will continue to affect your life.

The rage you feel towards a perpetrator (especially one that refuses to acknowledge that they did anything wrong) turns in on yourself and can lead to depression and/or anxiety.

I have asked myself this question plenty of times. My parents raised me in an incredibly dysfunctional household (that's putting it mildly). I won't even get into the rotten way I was raised and all the things they did that emotionally scarred me, but for some reason, I've treated them as if it never happened. I'm very compassionate towards them when I don't feel they were to me at all. I think I just don't have hatred in me and it would take more energy for me to actively dislike them and break off all contact then to just let it go. I'd like to think that somehow it's made me a better person.

I love my mum. I have never been close to her though and I wanna bring down cause she got this things were she thinks she superior to me. I dont find it so easy to talk to her and then I make an effort and she says something smartass to what I say and then we stop talking because i am feeling pissed off.

There was a time when i was a kid she used to really hit into me. I just use to cover myself up and she would rip my hair out and more but I cannot really remember alot because my stepdad was violent too.

She visited the other day and I felt so angry because she isnt respecting me. I can feel it and its making me feel like a small child. When she left i went into rage thinking I really wanna bring her down. like she did to me and then she wont feel so good about herself no more. Don't give me no more of your attitude
I dont want it anymore. I am sick of being nice like I am needing her approval and there is so much more to the story and I cant feel forgiving.

It is making me feel sick but like she says to people I am not well.
Stop making out I am crazy. It is nothing to do with me. She knows and finally she believes me.
Thats why she's looking down on me. She has no right! and it makes so angry. People are making me feel like i am sick and I cant deal with this s**t no more.
I went in a rage a year or two back I could of killed some one and that feeling is coming back again and i am not ever feeling forgiving.

If I was to forgive i would be one sick b***h. Lets all get down with the sickness. Literally, i feel like vomiting.

What I find absolutely -hilarious- is the belief that children should love, honor, obey, and forgive their parents.

As a survivor of a psychologically abusive father I have been told by many different people that he loves me. I know he does - Ive seen him in tears explaining to me why it was love that made him torment, mock, humiliate, harass, embarrass and hit me.

Frankly, he can love me all he wants but I don't want to be exposed to it more then I have. And people who say that I should love him back, who tell me to forgive him, who remind me so tenderly and innocently that he does love me and all that other stuff can kindly go f**k themselves. From random strangers who just met me to other family members, some people are all too willing to give bad advice out of naivety. Maybe its just my region, I am in Alabama and a lot of people seem to pride themselves on some pretty foolish notions.

I was going to post more here, but Ive decided not to. I will post it in another forum some other time.

I think some of you are missing the point, the reason to forgive them is not for them it is for you. You know being angry at them is not going to make them feel bad, or inflect pain on them all it is going to do is eat your heart alive, until the hate devours your heart. By forgiving them you are able to learn from there mistakes while at the same time allowing you heart to go to a much more peaceful place away from the hate and pain. I found out a long time ago that hating my mother for all the stuff she did to me just made things worse, it is very hard to forgive someone espeically when they don't acknowledge they hurt you but remember if nothing else forgive them so you can move on. Oh and don't forget instead learn from their mistakes so you don't repeat them

Both my parents hurt me a lot in different ways. They were not deliberately cruel though. To me that makes a huge difference. I just wrote "it's always been easy to forgive them" then deleted the whole line. Not always easy no. When I was 18 I was convulsed with anger at my father that was paralyzing. It literally knotted me into a ball. That was the worst, maybe, I don't know, It was so bad for so long. But the whole family was a knot of pain.

Bottom line, no one knew what they were doing. All the pain and anguish back and forth, no one knew how they were causing it or how to stop it.

Forgiving is just plain easier to me. The easy way out. But I egress...

Raising me? As a child I remembered some of my previous existence. I had a big advantage there. My mom was put in an orphanage when her father abandoned her mom. Her mom put her in an orphanage with her sister. How was she "raised"? by people who stole from her and abused her. My mom had 1 doll, that was stolen in the home, and now her house is crammed with dolls by way of compensating.
Today is doll night, doll club for Mom, out building dolls with the gals, she's 76 and still chasing that doll.

Dad's childhood was probably worse. My parents were both scared sh*^%ess kids who knew nothing, with no means, and no book larnin' when the status quo of larnin' weren't much anyway. Raising an odd-ball kid with ISSUES, who knew too damn much. The miracle is that anyone survives on this messed up planet.