Yes I've had that kind of experience. I usually call it "breakout," though certainly when I was younger I could easily let it go to my head, so I understand the "superstar" label.
One particular neighbourhood I lived in was ideal for me, with loads of really friendly and caring people around, so I felt I'd finally "got there" for the year or two that I lived in that place. Looking back, I'm sure I made quite a lot of social blunders, and definitely was pretty arrogant at times, but they didn't stop seek me out for company, so I guess they accepted me with my faults. After I left, the whole thing dried up and I felt devastated for a long time, but somehow over the years I got used to the dream being over. I tried to rekindle those golden years by joining a group of alternativist types, but that was mostly a disaster because of a couple of cruel, bossy people who seemed to have an uncanny influence on the rest of them. In the end a small number of us broke away from the core, and things were a lot better socially for some time, but when I found a partner outside the group, the whole thing rapidly fell to bits and I left them to it.
These days I have little interest in "doing well" in the company of people who aren't particularly right for me. I tend to slightly look down on them, and feel the only point of interacting with them would be to manipulate them, and as I don't do manipulation, I just leave them to it. They clearly don't need me, and I don't feel left out as long as I just make for the exit door as soon as it seems to be getting too difficult. On a bad day I might simply feel that there's no point trying to socialise with trash. On a good day, they're just different, and not for me.
I think age/experience has been a big factor. I don't feel I need to prove anything about my social skills, and though loneliness is still a driving force that makes me want company, communicating deeply on a one-to-one basis is all I need to make me feel part of the human race. I don't get that youthful eagerness to be the "life and soul of the party" much any more. If I have nothing to say, I no longer try to say it.
26 Nov 2008, 6:43 am
