Conversations where it's like you're not there

Post Reply New Topic

Here's a list of some of the things I have loaded currently, I had to shift around my playlists a bit because I started running out of room. (This doesn't mean I've had the time to listen to all this yet!). The stuff on my portable is mostly humanities and music, because they are easier to listen to with audio without any video.

ITunesU:

Arizona State -- Sociocultural Anthropology course
MIT 9.00 -- Intro to Psychology (emphasis on physical systems)
MIT -- the Brain Basis for Human Vision
NJIT -- World Literature I & II
Stanford Univ. public lectures in Literature
Stanford Univ. public lectures in Mental Health
Stanford Univ. public lectures in Philosophy
UC Berkeley -- Nutritional Sciences & Toxicology I
UC Berkeley -- Nutritional Sciences & Toxicology II
UC Berkeley -- Man, God & Society
UC Berkeley -- Existentialism in Literature
UC Berkeley -- Rhetoric 10

Audiobooks:

Biology of Belief
Emotional Intelligence
History of Classical Music (with audio clips)
The Story of Philosophy, Part II.

Podcasts:

History 4, The Ancient Mediterranean World
Introduction to Philosophy 100
John Locke Lectures
+ a bunch of French podcasts that I'm supposed to listen to, to brush up on my French

I have a lot of Math & Eng courses on my computer, b/c the videos require watching.

I also watch Iron Chef on YouTube a lot, along with cooking videos.

The only music I have room for is my running music and some painting music (i.e. blues and electric blues guitar)

Even though it happens to me, I know the people mean nothing malicious by it, because this even happens with people I'm very close to, such as in my family, in my close circle of friends, and people that I do know appreciate me. One time a friend stuck up for me after I had tried seven different times to get a word in and I've been repeatedly ignored, so he forwarded the attention to me so I could speak (he could probably see too how mad I was getting). I really don't think the people around me mean to ignore and tick me off (I have to remember I'm probably not giving off the right cues, and sometimes I don't really appear to be interested or part of the conversation until I say something), though it still gets me mad.

Ha, we're probably sprung from the same tree, I do this too You and I both know how terribly interesting we think it is, though they may not necessarily agree lol. This happens every time I try and talk about Accounting with someone my own age, though some can tolerate it more than others (one or two find my career path, Forensic Accounting, to be interesting).

And yes, I am an enormous fan of iTunes U, got both Biblical Greek and Hebrew podcasts from there, and I regularly download podcasts on learning foreign languages.

Last edited by Capriccio on 19 Dec 2008, 12:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You sound like a fascinating conversationalist. What could people want to talk about except stuff like that?

I go from not saying much & saying that too quietly for people to hear me, to talking loudly & incessantly about some particular topic I'm interested in, & regardless of whether the group is interested, but as the years go on I think I'm getting better at sticking to some safe middle-ground. In any job I've had I've said barely nothing to my co-workers. I'd just focus on smiling a lot, & hopefully giving off a vaguely well-meaning impression without having to say much.

OMG that is really blatant.

Sometimes people engage in what I call "Ego chatter" and "status talk". They weren't so much exchanging information as they were negotiating their place in the group "verbal influence" hierarchy. This is the homo sapiens verbal equivalent of establishing who picks the lice off of whom. It's who listens to whom. They maybe weren't so much talking as establishing who has what verbal influence in the hierarchy and you weren't in the competition so you were brushed aside while they continued their nonverbal negotiations with their verbal behavior.

I don't think I'm fascinating. People treat me like a dumb woman and then when I start talking intellectually, they ignore me or get offended.

Anymore, I talk and just pretend people listen and care what I have to say.

I don't need people to acknowledge the things I say. I just prefer to not be treated like a dumb sex object, so as long as they are ignoring me they're not imposing their belittling sexist view of me on me.

Yes, I've learnt now to notice when people are interested in information I can provide and when they're actually bonding with each other and establishing their social relations and don't care for the info I have.

Yes, it happens to me, too, except I try to quit after one instance of being stepped over. Sometimes I indulge two or three, but I usually regret that. I think MemberSix basically nailed it the mechanism of it, though I think it can be thoughtless and unconscious as well as intentional. They're uncomfortable with our awkward or supposedly inappropriate responses, so they step away from us. We don't pick up the cues they thrive on. It's very painful for me and to manage at all, I've had to study on it. Not much fun.

And if I stop watching carefully, I end up saying way too much and ruining something that seemed to be going well. I think normies generally monitor and evaluate the social effect of words, and that's the only way to survive in their system.

That sounds typical of a lot of people. If you don't fit into the preconceived box they've built for you in their head, you are ignored or belittled.
A lot of times in the past, I have actively dumbed down my speech in order to fit in. I would use smaller words (which feels uncomfortable for some reason) and pretend to not remember little details.
Personally, it sounds like you have fascinating interests and have real substance to add to conversation. What is really perplexing to me, is that most people are hardly even concerned with what they are actually talking about. Group conversation always seems to be more about engaging in some sort of weird contest to see who can be the center of attention. I just don't understand people. Conversation, to me, is about exchanging ideas and viewpoints in order to gain a better understanding of things. I don't understand why people like us are excluded.

Yes this happens to me all the time, my mother even does this to me in one-on-one conversations!!

In groups I really don't say much, I mostly just enjoy listening to others. But if I ever do say something it will usually be ignored or just given a funny look while they continue speaking. If I am ever standing in a circle of people.. I have no idea how it happens but eventually the group shifts ever so slightly and I find myself staring at the backs of a closed circle that no longer includes me. I've mentioned it to friends before and they said that it's me, I don't move with the group. I don't notice it moving until its gone.. I don't get it....

-edit- I've been reading on this thread that people use conversation to gauge social status... I have never known this.. do you think they do it consciously.. if I ask someone if they do it, will they know? Or is it totally subconscious? What do you think?

ha! some 90% of my conversations look like this

I think it is subconscious. It seems to be in the same realm as body language and facial expression that is so mysterious and difficult for people like us. It becomes very evident at large parties, I've notice. One or a few people will become the "life of the party" and everybody focuses on them and they are what is talked about afterwards. And, as far as I can tell, it has little to do with anything other than being the loudest and most obnoxious. Conversation seems to be more about drawing as much attention to yourself as possible, so the words themselves become meaningless. But I am essentially just an alien observer to all of this, so it is just my own little theory.

I myself would lean towards the idea that it is subconscious, too. Maybe it's just because the idea is so foreign to me but I just can't imagine people purposely fighting with eachother constantly to establish their social status. Of course there are some people who manipulate on purpose in order to gain status but I would believe that in a normal conversation it must be subconscious.

Last edited by mitharatowen on 19 Dec 2008, 1:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Me too. The few people that know me (but don't know I have A.S., because few actually know), are usually polite enough to at least nod until I am down. They always make this face after I'm done talking, though. I'm not sure what it means. I assume they are just thinking I'm weird.

Most jokes I make these days are entirely for my own benefit. Everyone else is politely irritated by them. It's getting to the stage where I'm disconcerted if other people laugh.

My motto is, it's not a private joke if anybody else at all gets it.

I hadn't thought that maybe it was me that didn't move with the group. Interesting...

Last edited by Greentea on 19 Dec 2008, 1:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It happened to me constantly while in school. Nowadays I don't find myself in many standing-circle type groups and if I am, I am probabaly holding my husbands hand so I would move if he moves.