Xmas carols for the psychologially challenged

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Pretty Busses and Taxis/CockneyRebel's Ideal Christmas

Pretty Busses, classic Busses of Red
Roll along the Historic Routes
See the Lit-up Tree in Trafalgar Square
Pretty Busses, classic Busses of Red

Christmas Taxis, London Taxis of Green
Painted special, just for Christmas Day
Taking people to St Paul's Cathedral
Christmas Taxis, London Taxis of Green

Sung to the tune of 'Pretty Paper' by Roy Orbison

I want a Particle Accelerator for Christmas (to the tune of I want a Hippopotomus for Christmas)

I want a particle accelerator for Christmas!
Only a particle accelerator will do!
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a particle accelerator to play with and enjoy

I want a particle accelerator for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring it through the front door, that's the easy thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning, creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
to see the Cal Tech accelerator standing there

I want a particle accelerator for Christmas.
Only a particle accelerator will do.
No cyclotrons, no electrostatic generators
I only like linear acceleration
And excited particles like me too!

Does anyone want to try and put together a "Twelve Days of Christmas" parody WP style with me? I was thinking about that last night and it seemed interesting, only I have writer's block.

Got it.
On the first day of solstice wrong planet gave to me
An emu egg for my first post

On the second day of solstice wrong planet gave to me
Two butterflies
and an emu egg for my first post

On the third day of solstice wrong planet gave to me
Three hummingbirds
Two butterflies
and an emu egg for my first post

On the fourth day of solstice wrong planet gave to me
Four tufted titmice
Three hummingbirds
Two butterflies
and an emu egg for my first post

On the fifth day of solstice wrong planet gave to me
Five picus varius (yellow bellied woodpecker)
Four tufted titmice
Three hummingbirds
Two butterflies
and an emu egg for my first post


Six Blue Jays singing
Seven Ravens raving
Eight Snowy Owls
Nine Pileated woodpeckers
Ten Sea Gulls soaring
Eleven Deinonychus
Twelve trolls a melting

"The holly and the ivy,
When they are both full grown...
Represent quite nicely
Paganism with Christianity o'erthrown

The holly bears a prickle
As sharp as any thorn;
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ
On Christmas Day in the morn.

But the date of our Christmas
was fixed to match Yule
The early British missionaries
were no-o-o-ones fools.

But just to emphasize----copralalia, or utterances of obscenities, occur in the minority of people with Tourette's Syndrome. Most people have the verbal and motor tics without the obscenities.

NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) would be offended by all these mentally related Christmas songs. I say that it's all in good fun.

I think since we are not aiming the songs at anyone other than ourselves that even NAMI would have difficulty finding fault.
I'm off to do the twelve days of solstice with Aspergers traits.
Then I think I will find a borderline song.
Probably I could do OCD as well.
Hmmm.....

The first day could be "one non-existent social life", kind of snitched from Ben's merry Christmas song... but it fits in with the number of syllables.

Oh, those are funny!

Don't fight anything - not because it's Christmas but because like the Tar Baby or GW in Iraq (Which is where he should be this Christmas), you'll find yourself sinking deeper into the quagmire - unless of course that's where you want to be that is.

Remember, if your name is Hugh and Millie Asian, 2 Wongs don't make a Wright!

To our boys out in Iraq - if you can't get any holly try missile-tow

You know, I feel like Shakespeare at X-mas - every pub I go into, they shout 'You're Bard!' but I tell them he's balder with a beard and throw me out anyway!

So to all you punks out there festive gratings - A Very Crass Mess and a Crappy New Jeer!

-A Hairy Crisp Mass, to all you nature lovers

- To all you careless milk lorry drivers - A Dairy Crash Smash and A Happy New Yogurt!

- to all you stargazers - don't spend all Christmas, Saturn Uranus!

Christmas Spirit? None left - I drunk it all! (I thought the Gaza Strip was what Paul Gascoigne wore on a football pitch, until I tried Smirnoff)

Finally, remember if you're a Turkey at Christmas, you're plucked! Last bit of advice - don't play cards with a pair of big cats over the festive season; one will always be a cheetah and the other, lion

If you see me again and accuse me of atrocious joke making (terrible punning) I shall deny it! I shall simply say that I have nothing to say but that I have nothing to say (and I can see no point in telling you, that there is no point in telling you this) - and you can qoute me on this!

Hmm....one for the Aspies.

Up on the House Top*(Get those Reindeer Off My Roof Before I Lose my Mind)
(Note: I don't know the real title. Was trying to come up with something involving lights but alas, brainblank.)

Bad news: My last traces of enthusiasm have evaporated.
Good news: While prospecting for any residual deposits of the above,
I stumbled across vast untapped reserves of resignation.


Yule be sorry for bringing up the topic of Christmas puns.
While shopping I noticed a garden makeover book for stately homes:
Deck the Halls... with Holly Boughs (A prickly lady, but very decorative)

Some dolls had sold out, and even the most traditional ones were in great demand
I know this is the rush time for toys, but there did seem something unseasonal about a Barbie queue.

In the traditional sweetshop my nephew sampled what real sweets were like when I was a lad. He liked most of them except the dark brown and cream mint one, so in a Christmas spirit I offered to buy him a big selection bag of them all, bar humbug.

That was f**** brilliant!

OK, as usual, I'm late with this, but if you got this far, you might get a laugh...

Deck the halls with gasoline,
fa la la la, la la la la

Light a match and watch it gleam,
fa la la la, la la la la

Break a window, pop a tire,
Light an old lady's pants on fire.

'Tis the season to be naughty,
Fa la la la, la la la la

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the tune of "Oh Christmas tree"...

Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad,

Why did you jump into the road?

You were so big and green and fat,

But now your small, and red and flat.

Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad,

Why did you jump into the road?

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