How did you feel before you related your condition to AS?

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Before I got my diagnosis of AS I felt like I didn't belong what so ever. I seriously felt like I was so different from anybody else in the world because I never fit in anywhere. I searched for years for a reason why I was the way I was. I truly did feel like I was on the "wrongplanet". Eventually I approached my mom about my differences and difficulties and she had me evaluated and I was diagnosed with AS; one of the biggest reliefs of my life.

I used to think I was unlucky in relationships with people, or that everyone envied me and that's why they were nasty to me. Also, I really believed when people would tell me they were too busy to be in touch and other stupid excuses. I was in my late thirties and after over a decade of therapy and a lifetime of self-analysis, when I started to understand that something else must be going on.

Like I didn't belong, that I had something very wrong with me.

To tell the brutally honest truth.

I felt just like me.
A unique individual with my own likes and dislikes.
I felt like a member of my family.

I just didn't understand why other people were choosing to wear uncomfortable clothes or found it easy to take part in team events or groupwork. I thought that other people were being deliberately nasty and unkind towards me and I had just been unlucky.

I honestly thought at one point that there was a kind of conspiracy going on and people were out to get me by inventing silly invisible rules just to trip me up. I thought I was going crazy.

Then I realised that I couldn't cope because the environments that I was placed in were hyper-social/highly stimulating/socially stressful, and my personality just wasn't well adapted to environments like that.

It was then that I realised that my family's asocial philosophy, habits and extreme character traits were at odds with most other "normal" people's.

I realised that the faults were on both sides and that the personality I inherited from my parents can be both useful and over domineering to others.

Last edited by AmberEyes on 15 Jan 2009, 3:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I thought I was stupid because everyone told me I was but I kept telling myself I wasn't, same as "ret*d" and then at age 14 I started to believe I was. I wasn't focused on AS then because I still didn't know what it was. I used to get mad at myself for not knowing when someone was joking or teasing so I thought it was because I was "ret*d." Then I was told it was Aspergers. That made me feel a little better because it meant I wasn't stupid then and ret*d. I also knew I was smart in other ways but stupid in normal ways. Kids kept telling me I was smart (In Washington, they said I was stupid, but in Montana, kids told me I was smart) and if I was so smart, then why did I need help with my extra school work?

Which writer was that?

I'm not sure that I have it but the more I read the more I think I do.

Honestly, for some of the things that happen with me, I thought that an incident from childhood must have effected me. When I was a toddler I pulled a camcorder off of a table and it fell on my head. (It's okay if you're chuckling.)

I was sort of diagnosed with OCD, though it didn't fit. I'm depressed and lonely and confused. I couldn't understand why I would be so immature and have such little self-control to let obsessions control and distract me from everything, including sleep! My parents treat me poorly because they think I'm lazy and immature. Teachers assume I'm lazy because I'm smart but struggle with completing work.

I couldn't understand why I seem to bond with a small handful of people, but their friends, who I thought were also my friends, don't seem to like me. It feels like most people just tolerate me because I'm lucky enough to have a few actual friends.

I never felt different from other people even though I was. I knew I didn't fit in and didn't mind being by myself. It did confuse me when I saw my siblings having their friends over when I never had that.
Later on, like last year when I finally did start hanging out at someone's house is when I really did start realising how different I was. I wanted so much to have those long and pointless conversations my ex-bf and his friends had. I developed social anxiety from that, and months later I found out about AS.
I used to think I was slow and not that smart, and was surprised that my IQ was above 90. I never got an exact score.

Not sure if you have heard about her, she's quite famous here in Norway, might been translated to english, don't know. But as she spoke of it in the radio, I guess it's allright to tell her name; Gro Dahle

Last edited by mosez on 15 Jan 2009, 5:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Same here.

I liked being myself and couldn't honestly understand how I was "offending" people.

It's been a mystery how other people can organise and get together with so many people at such short notice. How do they chat and organise things together like that?

I always supplied the music for all my sibling's parties though. I handed out the drinks/snacks that sort of thing. I was good at fiddling with equipment and decorations. I kind of miss that now. My sibling's friends (I think they numbered over 200 at the last official count) hire caterers and marquees so I'm not required any more. I'm an "embarrassment" apparently: not good enough to be seen with all those "posh" people. Now they've all grown up, I've noticed that no-one appreciates my fantastic balloon animal making skills any more.

I had one or two people over sometimes (not that often though). I didn't have the great big "Birthday Bashes" like my sibling had though.

Last edited by AmberEyes on 15 Jan 2009, 5:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

At least you have some friends, and that's good. I'm not properly diagnosed myself, but by reading posts here and asking stupid questions I finally think I can put a label to my weirdness.

Yeah, that iq thing surprised me too. And in my childhood and teens, things was not all that bad. I felt strange and different, but I did not care. It just grew worse after i was twenty, I suppose. So, I felt kind of relieved when I could relate to something. I am about to be diagnosed in the nearest future.

When I got tested for Aspergers, my psychiatrist said my IQ was above average and I found it real hard to believe. Was there a mix up or did I just have good practice with the tests because I had been taking them for many years?
I scored in the mentally ret*d range as a little kid and then low 80's as I got older. My IQ went up every year so I was in the 90's finally and now it was in the 120's?

Strange for me to see that you and others didnt seem to care. It was on my mind from early childhood, but I really started to think seriously about it when I was past twenty. I did not quite find out before I joined this site, not long ago. I'm starting to prepare for an official diagnosis these days.

I was also surprised to find my iq above average. Have not been properly diagnosed for AS but I will in the nearest future.

Funny you should mention scizophrenia, I also thought that I would loose my mind at some point, didn't know anything beside that I was weird.