Have you ever lost faith in yourself?

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benjimanbreeg
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16 Jan 2009, 2:43 pm

chasingthesun wrote:

benjimanbreeg wrote:

chasingthesun wrote:

Yes, I've definitely lost faith in myself. I have "severe" depression and because of recent events in my life I've felt very lost and hopeless, feeling like I will never improve my life or go anywhere. I don't know that the new-found possibility that I have AS has made this any better or easier for me.

What are the recent events?

Maybe finding out about the AS can be the start of something. Like I said, if you feel like your at rock bottom, the only way is up. So don't give in.

I'm hoping it can be! I just e-mailed a therapist specializing in spectrum disorders (and he has an Aspie son himself) so hopefully that will bring good things.

Well, my parents have been trying to throw me out. They swear I have Borderline Personality Disorder (which I definitely do NOT), partially, I suppose, because they are in extreme denial about me actually being transgender (female-to-male, and I've got a goatee and sideburns...come on now!). If they do throw me out I cannot afford to live around here at all, and it's not like I have friends who can take me in. My parents also absolutely refuse to take into consideration anything I may say about myself; they assume everything is part of an obsession. Including me being trans. And so rather than learn anything about AS, they mock me for saying I may have it.

I'm not done with college, which is its own catastrophe, and I would have to work constantly to survive--but can I get a decent job that pays enough to support myself without an education? Let alone one that pays enough to let me save up for an education later, etc. (Right now I'm toying with switching to trade school and I have literally days to make up my mind.)

And I'm petrified of having to give up Taekwon-Do, which is not only one of my obsessions/special interests, but the one thing that keeps me going. It has given me one of the closest friendships I've ever had, and without this person in my life, I would never have developed the social skills I've managed, and I just can't let that go right now.

And notice, this all involves change. I've never lived anywhere else in my life and that scares me even more. I'm not ready to be independent, mentally, financially...

Yeah, that sounds promising!

Hmm, sorry your parents are being this way. I gather you've told them you couldn't cope if you had to move out right now? Have you been diagnoses with AS? Well maybe the first thing is to look for work. I know how hard that can be though!

Hopefully you won't have to give the Taekwon-Do up. Even if you had to, you can still practice, and see the person right?

chasingthesun
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16 Jan 2009, 3:10 pm

benjimanbreeg wrote:

Oh, yes. They are still stubborn and seem to think I should be in a place in my life that you would expect of a 25 year old college grad with a stable career (and NT).

Luckily, I do have a job--for now (gotta love the economic recession!). I have to pay for college so I've been working since I graduated high school.

I don't have the diagnosis yet; I'm working on that now.

The thing about TKD is that I would give it up if I moved because it would have to be out-of-state, and then I couldn't see that person

fauxnaif
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16 Jan 2009, 3:27 pm

benjimanbreeg wrote:

Just an example yeah? McDonalds isn't really everything to you is it?

Yeah, there are loads of people like that, who kid themselves. I don't do that though, I try to be honest to others as well as to myself.

Yes. An example. A true example. It happened to me Tuesday. And no McDonalds isn't a priority in my life.

I agree with your thinking. I find myself being too honest. This has led to much conflict. Both inner and outer. Mostly outer. In my experiences. People tend to not like my level of honesty.

benjimanbreeg
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16 Jan 2009, 3:28 pm

They should really understand things are different. If you do have aspergers its just not that easy.

Oh good. If you get diagnosed, will you get some support?

Couldn't you move somewhere in your state then?

chasingthesun
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16 Jan 2009, 3:36 pm

benjimanbreeg wrote:

They probably won't believe the diagnosis, just like they don't believe my "diagnosis" of Gender Identity Disorder. (I have a diagnosis, though it really serves no purpose and many trans people are against such diagnoses.) They have in their minds that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and that's that.

That's part of why I'm thinking of switching to trade school; I can work full-time until I go, work full-time while I'm going there, and then when I'm out, they will help me find a job in my field. Hopefully that job will pay to get me a new place to live! It's just very expensive to live around here.

Danielismyname
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16 Jan 2009, 3:39 pm

I don't feel faith.

I know who and what I am, and I don't change.

benjimanbreeg
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16 Jan 2009, 3:46 pm

fauxnaif wrote:

benjimanbreeg wrote:

Well i'm sure a lot people do appreciate honesty. I do for sure!

benjimanbreeg
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16 Jan 2009, 3:48 pm

chasingthesun wrote:

benjimanbreeg wrote:

Well I can't really comment on that, cause I don't know much about it myself. I think maybe people can be a male or female, but are born with a lot of genes from the other sex maybe??

Yeah, sounds like a good idea. I guess you'll have to rent a place or something?

irikarah
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17 Jan 2009, 5:54 am

Once in awhile, I'll do something that I feel proud of or makes me think I'm talented/smart/whatever...but for the most part, my general opinion of myself is that I'm pretty worthless.

mosez
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17 Jan 2009, 6:10 am

Never completely, I have been quite low in my self esteem, but I'm kind of optimistic, so I know I will get back on my feet somehow, just take some time.

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Lessian
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21 Jan 2009, 5:05 am

I have lost complete and utter faith in myself twice, both times were virtually exactly the same.
I could no longer see how anything I did or said would have any kind of impact or influence on the universe. I was nothing more than a molecule and not even a useful one at that. If I had ceased to exist, there would be no hole left behind, immediate family would mourn for a short while then move on. Life would continue without me. I live near two train stations and on one really low night alone considered taking a walk down to the tracks. But even suicide seemed completely pointless, it would just leave a big mess for someone to clean up. So I continued breathing eating and sleeping simply out of habit. Spent a lot of time enjoying the unconsciousness inspired by sleeping tablets, but after a while my body just got sick of sleeping. So I got up and went back to the world and routine. buried myself in tiny distracting details. Eventually things smoothed out for me again, and so I sit here typing extremely personal messages to a group of complete strangers.
Such is this confusion called life.

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outlier
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21 Jan 2009, 6:52 am

There have been times in life when I've operated under almost a complete lack of faith in myself. Sometimes for many years.

It's difficult to maintain confidence when experiencing so many setbacks. However, getting through some of the worst can increase confidence. I'm about to embark on a course of action that will test my confidence (and faith) to their limits. It will be detrimental to my health in the short-term (I hope only that), and the situation about to be addressed is largely what caused the current health issues. If I do nothing, those involved won't be held accountable; I would rather not carry the burden of "what if" by allowing things to remain covered up and the system to continue as it is. Even so, and with all the evidence and support gathered, I have periods of intense self-doubt.

Last edited by outlier on 21 Jan 2009, 6:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

BellaDonna
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21 Jan 2009, 6:55 am

Yes all the time in especially in regards to being a parent.

LazyGamer
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21 Jan 2009, 7:58 am

Never.

I can't lose something I've never had.

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