Family problems...

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troyzz,
I have a cousin who is low functioning and she has a son who is higher functioning then her but still probably will not be independent.
My husbands side of the family has lots of anxiety issues, OCD, and other mental health problems...
my husband himself has OCD, and undxed AS.
my mother is bipolar, OCD, and ADHD...
My husband says that I am controling, and hyperactive (which is true to some point)

Boy, we are a melting pot of stuff.........

my son, Nicco is getting better in public, but I know when he has a bad day to stay at home... I think that he is getting better because on good days, we practice going out, even if it is just to go in a store and leave....
I am glad that your sisters behavior is getting better..
How do you feel when her behavior disrupts the family??
I try to get my other children to talk about it, because they hold it inside and then later explode, sometimes if Nicco is crying for along period (hours) the baby will start to cry and then his sister (7) will start to cry asking me to get him to stop; it can be hard at times.
Michele

In my family, everyone wants to push everyone else around, and sometimes, my parents would actually facilitate that. One minute they'd back one sibling trying to push the other around, another they'd be against it. There was this never ending war from dominance over each other in my family, which I refused to participate in. I only wanted to decide for myself what I did and didn't care what others were doing.

Not to mention physical abuse from an older brother and an older sister because I wouldn't let them tell me what to do and would stand up to them whenever they screamed at me. I did it even though I knew they could, and would, hurt me in some way. My sister like to hit, my brother was into arm twisting.

My sister used to resent me doing anything I liked to do. She'd often rant about how sick she was of my stupid music, stupid TV shows, stupid toys, stupid technology books, etc. To her, everything I liked was stupid and she was sick of me doing it. I never understood why it was such an issue with her, since I often pursued these things in the privacy of my own room, where it didn't have any impact on her. It was strictly a control thing.

At one point, my parents saw there wasn't much chance of making me normal so they thought they'd make me appear normal, by making up all kinds of stories about what I did, what I liked, etc. I can remember alot of instances in which they wanted me to lie about what I did, even though what I really did wouldn't have been unacceptable in most circles.

On Aspergia, I told my story of the 4 summers in which my parents, brother, and sister, decided I should only be interested in swimming and tried forcing that on me. That was a truly miserable time for me. Maybe I'll post it again here.

Alot of us have had to go through attempts to make us normal or to at least appear normal. It's very sad. At least we now have a place where we can belong.

My family drives me crazy as well. I think I have two relatives who are also on the spectrum and when we get together on Christmas, a lot of interesting things happen.

My family drives me nuts. I'm the only one in my family who has AS and I know that they will never understand me. First of all, I don't talk to my family because if i do, i know that they will never understand. If they bring something up, i will talk to them about it, but usually i won't talk about me to them. And then another thing, when i was younger i would always get jealous of my little sister because i always wanted to be like her. the kind of person who had friends and who was always the nice person. Another thing, everyone in my family thinks i'm not a nice person because i'm not nice at home. (that just happens a lot because of small things that i totally freak out about and they don't like that about me). anyways, with that in mind, when i'm at school i'm actually a pretty nice person. it's just that my family can't see that side of me. they don't think that i can be successful in the real world because i'm not that successful at home. i just wish that they could see the nice side of me. i really do try at home, but it's just so hard for me when i am at home because i totally freak out over a lot of things when i am at home and they don't like that.

maddogtitan, I am sorry that you feel that your family does not understand you... i am sure that is hard.
Have you ever wondered if a family member does have some underlying issues???
My son does better at school than at home also. I think it is because he is more comfortable at home and he acts himself, also school is so structured for him- I hope that his siblings will not always remember the bad things that he does to them or all of the things they sacrifice for him, but I do try to equal things out and let them know that they are special too, just in a different way ( as we are all different).. all of my kids go to individual therapy to help work things out that they might not tell me.

I know that you try really hard at home; I think this is something that some NT people just don't understand how much work it is-
my son (for instance) is currently learning self help skills ( potty training, getting dressed) play skills ( beginning stages) and academics.....
that is alot of work for a 4 year old...
so when he has meltdowns because he can not dress himself it takes all I have to not cry because he is so frustrated that he can not put on his shirt and I know that he is trying so hard to do it and he gets mad at himself...

if it takes so much energy to do something that comes so easy for everyone else; it is hard and exhausting; and your energy can only focus on a few targeted things at a time.
Don't be so hard on yourself...
Michele

When my sister starts getting disruptive which is everyday I get annoyed, I wish sometimes my parents would discipline her. My mom does sometimes but my dad never does. My sister knows the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, so alot of the things shes able to get by with I feel is unacceptable. At the same time Im jealous becuase shes getting away with things now I wouldnt of gotten away with when I was half her age, and I didnt have as much sense as she does now. You can basically say shes spoiled and she has my father whipped. Right now shes been going through the phase of always asking the same questions over and over and over again all day. Sometimes I wish we had some scotch tape.

About three years ago my sister was having alot of problems with tantrums so my parents started putting her on some medicine. It was working but she gained alot of weight from it, so now we have to play with her head more. Like if you do this or you dont do that youll get a reward. One thing my sister hates is being called a baby or a little kid, and I try to use this to my advantage. So I tell her if she wants to be a teenager then she has to learn to brush her teeth, bath herself, not to speak loudly but to lower her voice, and etc. All of those things are working except for her tone of voice. Were still teaching her to speak softly instead of always sounding like shes yelling.

troyzz,
wow your sister kind of reminds me of my son, which alot of times will ask questions over and over again; boy this drives me crazy!
Also, we use rewards alot of the time for him- it is the only way sometimes. Also, we use first- then statements alot for him.
While most of the time I think that his behaviors are because of certain triggers ( routine changes, sensory overload, etc...) I do know that sometimes he can just be "bad".....

I always worry of the impact all of this has on my other kids; I do alot of different things for them to try to compensate for his "extra things" ex.. I do a behavior chart with my 7 year old daughter everynight... she has 3 rules she can not break- one is not calling Nicco a baby...
if she does not break the rules for the day she gets a sticker and 30 minutes of my undivided attention then at the end of the week we add up her stickers and depending on how many she has she gets an additional reward.
Also, all of my kids go to a therapist.
Also, when Nicco meltsdown and cries for long periods of time I always ask them how they feel; my daughter sometimes starts to cry herself...
I think that if they express how they feel it will not be kept bottled up inside( less explosion later)...
Michele

I went through that phase too. The summer of 1991 and 1992 my parents enrolled me into several different programs offer thru the recreation department, including swimming. All in an attempt to try and "socialize" me. The worst thing about summer rec programs was that my parents would be there to watch me in action, and then after my poor physical skills would cause me to look like a fool, and the other kids would get their share of laughing at me. My parents would talk down to me in the car on the way home for "not trying" and would accuse me of "not caring" about my future.

I used to get accused of not trying also. The result of that was overall fear of failing. They would say the reason I didn't succeed is I didn't try, even though I did. What I would often get was "You wouldn't have failed if you tried."

Much of my life, I never wanted to go into the water, and my parents seemed to be OK with that for a while. Then all of a sudden it was the most horrible thing in the world that I had no interest in swimming. They used to say I would have no future because of disinterest in swimming and if others found out I didn't like swimming, they'd think I was some kind of freak.

There was nowhere for me to run from swimming because we had a pool. My parents would force me into the pool daily when my sister would go swimming. When my sister figured out this pattern, she'd time her swimming to coincide with me doing something I liked to do so she could drag me away from the things I enjoyed.

In the beginning when I couldn't swim, I was forced to wade in shallow end of the pool everyday. What was worse was my mother would often(and still does) spread lies about how much I loved to swim all the time, and didn't want to do anything else. She'd even take pictures of me in the pool to show off to everyone as proof of that.

This nonsense went on for 4 summers, with the last being the worst, when I was punished for some reason I'm not sure of because my parents would never give a straight story about what I punished for. Basically, I was banned from TV, listening to the radio, listening to music, reading, going out, and anything else they could think of for an entire summer. All I could do is wait around and be told it was time to go swimming by my sister.

I don't know what they were trying to accomplish and probably never will. I sometimes think it was a case of dealing with their own deficiencies and not mine.

I also have trouble getting along with my younger NT sister. She tries to boss me around and I tell her to stop it as loud as I can. She also goes on about her feelings and her week. You know, the worthwhile NT stuff that NTs like to listen to. When I state an opinion or express my feelings, she'll say, "Whatever." or make a Mentally Challenged noise. I tell her to cut it out and treat me with respect, than my Mom tells us both to cut it out. I hate that.

Lets bring this thread back to life....


I have problems with my family as they don't understand my Asperger's and as a result I find it hard to talk to them about personal problems and confiding in them, it's quite sad really

My problem is mostly with my step-dad. He dosen't understand me and blames me for a lot of things. Asperger's also causes me to get really angry and lose control. My parents always get mad at me but I just wish they would leave me alone. I can't wait to move out, but sometimes that idea seems impossible.

I have a very hard time communicating with my family. Not so much with my older brother anymore, since he "feels" more like a friend than family member now (somebody tell me if this makes sense). But for the longest time, I couldn't talk to my family about anything... like exactly like Ben on Ben X, except added yes or no responses. Most of the time in the past, my family would either annoy the crap out of me or just depress me.

Things are definitely better now than they ever been, and it keeps on getting better, especially communication wise.


On an unrelated note: have polls been showing up twice for each answer for anybody else?

Some. All related to AS/HFA.

Meltdowns normal people just don't know too much about. Same with rigid routines. And not showing much affection and stuff.

My parents must like me a lot because I frequently do things they dont understand and apparently as a small child up until about 3 I couldnt talk but I would just scream at them for hours at a time, then as I got older until about 11 I had a huge temper that I found difficult to control sometimes. Now I am more sedate and they understand I do my own things but I have never really understood unconditional love, how can my parents love me when I am so similar to a wrecking ball sometimes and at other hardly the most affectionate person. On the other hand I am very grateful for the fact that they have kept me for so long so maybe I should love them for that, problem is I just can't, with any amount of help, really understand them.

I don't know why I scream at my parents,I just don't, can someone help?! I even say very nasty things to them. It just seems like I can't talk because I say mean stuff.