I wish I knew what I do to make others uncomfortable

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Joined: 14 Jun 2007
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14 Feb 2009, 9:54 am

nettie, of your 2 problems, I think you should tackle the most urgent one first - namely, your rotten marriage. Someone who goes off with buds who openly hate his wife to abuse alcohol and drugs is not even worthy of being called "my husband". Once you're free of that hell, your life will start improving.

And don't even waste a moment trying to be liked by people who are obviously outcasting you because even though you don't say anything, by your not being like them you're the voice of their conscience re what they're doing wrong.

Now, if you prefer this life to risking being alone, all you have to do is start being a junkie and they'll adore you.

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millie
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14 Feb 2009, 1:53 pm

Quote:

AmberEyes wrote:

Padium wrote:

Heres to add to that. I talk with my hands, it adds to the verbal communication, plus it somewhat makes up for lack of facial expression.

I do this too.
Perhaps I've done this to compensate for my lack of projected non-verbal signals?
If done in the right way, it can actually help visually emphasise points, especially when giving presentations.

I've seen lecturers use a lot of "hand waving" also.

There's more than one way and style to communicate.

but it can be the opposite too. some of us twith AS have weid facial expressions or tic. my face can be overly expressive - NOTHING is flat - and thsi terrifees people because there is no "facade" that protect them from my internal respinses to things. And i can also be feeling incredibale joy inside but i will have a look of weird raised eyebrow surprise. i am k*e a cray whirlwind wiht meltdowns sometimes and people get really confused.

i take your point though> but i think the key with us is often that we do not fit the nice middle ground. (still or stimming, flat or meltdowns, sitting or pacing etc etc>)
we are often one extreme or the other. and people donot know how to take that,

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FlamingYouth
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14 Feb 2009, 2:12 pm

nettiespaghetti wrote:

It didn't used to bother me so much that I don't have hardly any friends, but it does now that I'm married to a very social person. None of his friends like me, so when he goes to hang out with them, I sit at home. It's very depressing.

I just wish I knew what it is that I do that makes people uncomfortable? How do you be the "fun" person that people actually like and want to get to know better? I am obviously completely clueless. When people call on the phone I can tell they're trying to think of an excuse to ask to talk to my husband without being obvious and I hate it. I hate feeling like the outcast every day of my life! No one wants to feel like a loser and that's how I feel right now. I don't think a single person out there is thinking about me as they're out partying and having fun and socializing. I would like to feel that I at least have someone to talk to once in a while but if I don't know what it is I'm doing wrong how can I ever achieve that????

Oh man, I'm totally with you there! Man, what I wouldn't give to know exactly what it is that makes neurotypicals uncomfortable. I LOVE the quote in your signature, too.

Eggman
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14 Feb 2009, 9:25 pm

anna-banana wrote:

Eggman wrote:

SpatiallyVisual wrote:

Eggman wrote:

me too so then I can do it intentionaly

haha

Once a teacher accused me of making the chalk shriek, I told her if i new how todo that, Id be doing it all the time..
she was not amused.

Eggman, you're allright! :thumleft:

Dito

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tweety_fan
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14 Feb 2009, 9:34 pm

nettiespaghetti wrote:

i wanna know what makes them uncomfortable as well.

garyww
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14 Feb 2009, 9:39 pm

quite often people like us give the impression that we are aloof, disinterested, snobby and elite so people stay away from us thinking we're not interested in them so it's not always that they dislike us but that they're afraid we don't like them. It very common.

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AmberEyes
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15 Feb 2009, 6:56 am

millie wrote:

I've thought about what you've typed and it occurs to me that I've known a few people just like this. They could go from a flat facial expression to an extremely animated one in the space of a few seconds. No middle ground at all. Their expressions seemed cartoon-like, but I liked that a lot. I could easily read their expressions and there was no ambiguity at all. That's the honest truth, I thought that they were wonderful and extraordinary characters. Their demeanours just didn't seem to bother me. While everyone else was scattering out of the way, we clicked instantly. There was an instant rapport whenever I met any of these people. Perhaps I thought subconsciously: "They're just like me!".

I was actually impressed by some of their "crazy" original ideas, so were the judges at competitions!

Gosh, I could really do with meeting more interesting people like that in the future. Those characters were such an inspiration to me. Whenever I was down or upset, they were there and so polite with it too. They never harmed or took advantage of anyone. Shy, inventive, honest, animated people lol :lol:

Last edited by AmberEyes on 16 Feb 2009, 4:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

Aufgehen
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15 Feb 2009, 7:58 am

I often shop at a small neighborhood market that is pretty cliquish and (like usual) no one quite knew what to think of me and therefor they treated me like, I don't know, like people often treat us, like we make them uncomfortable I guess, and then one day the owner and I were caught in an odd predicament were one was blocking the others way in an isle and she says "what can I help you with" and I say" I just need to get past you to go over there" and she says "sometimes I can't tell what you want because of your facial expression" and I said with a little giggle "Ya, I have a problem with that". Since that day they have treated me very well.. My point is that sometime the best thing we can do is stop trying so hard.. learn to be comfortable with and accept our differences and even laugh about them, so that other people don't pick up on our discomfort of not knowing how to be someone we are not and then not want to be around us because they don't realize that the reason we make them uncomfortable isn't because we are dangerous or anything like that, but because we are uncomfortable because we don't know what we are supposed to do... does that make sense?

Aufgehen
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16 Feb 2009, 1:53 am

My daughter just mentioned something to me about NT behavior that I forgot about and might also apply to this topic...
She reminded me that most people do not objectively respond to someone who is feeling uncomfortable (or anything really), they are not thinking about how to react or considering anything, they are just mirroring whatever you are doing, it is their instinct to mirror rather than respond differently, maybe that is where we get into trouble with the whole pecking order thing (different thread sorry), we don't mirror someone that considers themselves superior and so they are offended and don't realize that people that are mirroring us are placing themselves on the inferior side and they are offended. Neither of those are good as they both have games and objectives and it is how they have figured out how to get their needs met without being direct about them and both of them are users in different ways and when we don't play their pecking order game, they don't know how to get what they want from us and they are at a loss as to how to respond to us, its like we have taken away their ability to be social.

Liresse
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16 Feb 2009, 2:20 am

pandd wrote:

(Apparently) it's the simple things Nettiespaghetti. For instance, when you meet new people, enter a room or greet others (whom you may or may not have met previously), do you wear a death mask grimace? Apparently non-autistic people find this friendly and reassuring, so to impress always grit your teeth and remember to bare them.

Look people directly in the eye, but not too directly, do this consistently and regularly on an intermittent and irregular basis (you might want to formulate a random appearing formula so you do not appear to be too formulaic).

Always ask personal and probing questions, but remember it's very rude to be nosy.

Be confident with plenty of self-esteem, and never be too full of yourself or lack humility.

Do not be a slave to conformity or gossip about others, but go with the flow and engage in social chit chat with and about your peers. Be open and accessible and remember to approach others, but do not be clingy or intrusive or come across as less than discriminating in choosing your social companions.

Most of all remember to relax and just be yourself, and if you can simultaneously follow all the above advice, please send detailed instructions on achieving this to the rest of us.

I giggled.

And people really give you that kind of advice, as if you can somehow transform their grand words into being more popular and well-liked..? Most recently my mum, the night before my diagnosis actually: "Just be yourself."

(was having a panic attack.)

So I went in and was tongue tied and barely talked about what I wanted to talk about...
Well, that was myself, and it didn't work at all, + I probably got misdiagnosed. Ah well.

I'm rambling, sorry.

Point: maybe it works for most people but we need more specifics.

I've been seriously tempted in the past to document every little interaction that went wrong and then conglomerate them some day to draw a single grand pattern of social dysfunction that I can then use as a rule to guide my future interactions. From another thread: I just can't get started.

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