I am in a similar situation, though I'm 29 right now. I have suspected I have had an ASD for quite some time now, but I was always hesitant to bring it up with professionals because I never wanted to seem like I was fishing for a diagnosis. When I first seriously started seeing a psychiatrist I was 18 and figured I had depression and social phobia/anxiety because well I was depressed and had extreme difficulty being around people and with social skills. A few years later I read about Asperger's and other similar things that seemed to fit me very well. By then I had been through hell and back with various psychiatric diagnoses and treatments that didn't really work or fit. I too have been diagnosed with BPD multiple times mostly due to the fact that a) I had a history of self-injury and b) I am female, none of the things dealing with relationships, extreme changes in mood, anger, or irrationality really fit me though of course some things like black and white thinking, feelings of emptiness, and of course SI did fit me, but they could also be due to other things like an ASD. And I have been in therapy groups designed for BPD and oh my I left feeling more insane than ever. I sorry to say but simply could not deal with being around those women who were just sort of whiny, explosive, and of course manipulative. I'm terribly naive when it comes to people's motives so this actually caused some harm to me when dealing with a couple who did take real advantage of me since it took me quite some time to figure out that they were taking advantage of me. And when I stated that I didn't think much of the treatment was appropriate for me I totally felt like the therapists just thought I was full of it since of course if you have a cluster B personality disorder you don't think anything is wrong with you! It is part of the problem. Well I think something is wrong, but surely not this. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety multiple times as well and while I definitely think I suffer from them to some extent due to circumstance I have come to the point where I fully feel that they are only symptoms of something greater and not my main problems.
I finally brought up Asperger's to the psychologist that I have been seeing for quite some time, not really thinking that he would be as open as it as he is. But now he is basically treating me like I have it, and I don't really feel comfortable saying I have it when I don't know for sure if I do. I know that I know myself better than anyone else and blah blah blah but I still want confirmation so it doesn't seem like I am saying that I have Asperger's because I read a list of symptoms or want to use it as some sort of excuse. I know very well what people think about those who say they have Asperger's because it is quite ~trendy~ these days. However I also kind of fear that if I do go for testing that I will be told I don't have it and then what am I supposed to do now that I have been looking back on everything in my life and the way I think and deciding that AS or something similar fits perfectly with most everything I have been through?
I went to a psychiatry clinic in the summer to try medication yet again to lift me ou of my depression a bit and I asked her if my insurance would cover a specialist like a neuropsychologist/psychiatrist. She asked me why and I felt really uncomfortable saying point blank that it was because I thought I had Asperger's and I just said that I would like to get tested to further explore the reason for my issues since I have been in the system for quite some time now and I'm finally frustrated 100%. She said I could do that but she wasn't sure what kind of specialist I wanted and she actually brought up Asperger's by saying "Well for example I know some who specialize in Asperger's but I definitely don't think you have that" and then I asked "Why, what do you think is wrong with me?" and she said "I think your main problem is a mood disorder" and stated that she thought so because "You don't look people in the eye and look sad." Well wtf seriously? I told her I have NEVER in my entire life look people in the eye (something my family can fully attest to) and that I don't know why she thinks I "look sad" because I wasn't sad and that I don't express much outwardly ever (another thing my family can attest to). So I said "Well if it is depression than I must have been depressed since birth" and she responded "Maybe" and I was like ugh! She was making no sense. I understand that not looking people in the eye and lack of facial expression are signs of depression, but when you have never done either I don't see how that possibly makes sense.
She did say that she referred me for neurological testing, though I think she thinks I am some crazy who goes on WebMD too much. Part of me knows I shouldn't be that upset because she doesn't know me at all really. I have only seen her like 3 times for about 15 minutes. But still the other small part of me is like "well she is a professional and wants to rule this out so maybe she is right because she would know better than me". I know a diagnosis of AS takes more than a few brief meetings, but why would she even be that opinionated straight away?
So when I do finally get the appointment for neurological testing I think I am going to have my psychologist call beforehand, because while I hate people talking about me when I am not present I feel like if he says that we have been discussing the possibility of AS and that we would like for me to be tested for it or other related disorders that I will be taken much more seriously than if I just go in saying I would like to be tested for AS. But at this point I am not wasting my time going in there without stating what I think the problem is because I have already wasted so much time thinking that some professional is going to up with something neurological simply because they are a professional. So I guess I am lucky that my current psychologist seems very open to the idea and will most likely do this for me.
I know you probably aren't seeing anyone who you have discussed AS with, though if you do have a GP who you have been seeing for awhile it might actually be good to bring up with him/her to get a referral first. Since you are only 20 did you see one pediatrician for a long time and do you still have contact with him/her? If so that person has seen you grow up and if you mention the issue with them they might be more open than you think. Since AS is a relatively new diagnosis and most professionals aren't all that familiar with it it might not have ever been something they really thought to consider. Since you don't really want any sort of therapy I think you would be ok with just a standard neuropsychologist/psychiatrist if that is all you can access since they should be trained to do all of the testing even if they aren't exactly trained with how to work with it. But I would try to find some way to state what you want to be tested for and why or else they might just associate your symptoms with the most common things. If you don't have some sort of GP who knows you well maybe a parent can even contact them if you feel comfortable with that and they support this possible diagnosis. I guess I do just feel that a professional is more willing to take the suggestion of some other professional or guardian who has been in your life vs. the patient who just comes in saying "I think X is wrong with me" when it comes to something like AS, even though when dealing with most anything medical they would probably take you much more seriously. Like if you said "I have been having chest pains and tingling in my left arm so I am afraid something might be wrong my heart" they certainly would want to test you to see if you do. But if you say "I have X, Y, and Z symptoms and think I may have AS" I feel like it is easier for them to think "Yeah you and everyone else who has access to the internet". But I guess I am cynical that way.
Btw sorry for writing a novel here but I often don't know how to stop. Basically I know what you are going through and hope you find a solution to your dilemma.
05 Mar 2009, 12:58 am
Teach me psycho borderline relationship-building!)
