Appearently I bother people

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Tracker, the advice offered has been superb....here's my 2 cents.

Essentially what you were told in the 3 month review is "you're not a team player". If you haven't mentionioned you have AS, it's probably best to leave it that way. IMO it just gives people more reason to be annoyed. Also saying you should be more professional may mean you need to have more confidence in yourself.

The formula that saved my sanity is to draw clear, well delineated boundaries around yourself plus be cheerful, pleasant and brief even when you don't feel like it. The day I learned NTs thrive on pleasantries and can do just fine with a limited relationship based on simple brief pleasantries --- was the day I stopped suffering needlessly and gained back my self-respect. Just these 2 things: have extremely clear boundaries and try to always be pleasant and cheerful no matter what. In general don't try to talk about anything important and do try to give the impression of being a happy camper. If people think you're a workaholic that also seems to be a good thing...i.e., you tend to get so caught up in your work, you don't notice anything else.. If people think you're a bit superficial or aloof, that could be a very good thing also. Pretend to have a very busy social schedule [a boyfriend/girlfriend and very involved with family works well]....so you never really have time to socialize with co-workers. This kind of attitude isn't loved but it is usually tolerated. Busy people are seen as successful people.

The always smiling thing isn't really what I mean. When I always smile, my smile feels [and I think it also comes accross] fake or strained. Strained is ok once in awhile, but not all the time. So try to give the best version of a genuine smile you can muster....maybe 5 or 6 times a day....occasionally with a short greeting like "how's it going?". Another thing is to ask for advice about something "safe".....[not about being a team player, a topic you should avoid like the plague]...of the person you have best rappore with....and don't say too much...let them do all the talking. Express appreciation and don't criticize what they say. When you're seen as failing to be a team player, it is very important to be agreeable and flexible, and never make demands [or keep them to an absolute minimum, and have a positive upbeat attitude when making them....however it is far better not to make any demands at all ever]. An exception to this is if you are being harrassed or intimidated by co-workers....you shouldn't have to put up with that, and if it is required of you to be a doormat...that is outside your boundary and won't be tolerated.

Drawing clear boundaries is one of the best things you can do to ensure self esteem. And self esteem is what protects you in any social environment. If you know what you want and what you don't want, what you are and are not willing to tolerate....that is outpictured in your body language. Spectrumites tend to project fear, confusion and resentment even though they may try very hard to hide these things. Once you get in the habit of projecting clear boundaries, negative emotions and confusion are replaced by an effortless clarity in your body language. Sometimes immediately, sometimes it takes a little time. Plus, being consciously pleasant and cheerful is sooooooo needed by NTs.....once you see how much it means to them, it makes it easier to oblige. This is not exactly being a "team player" but it goes a long, long way toward assuaging feelings that might otherwise turn against you. If you also give the impression of being a very busy person on your days off, you will assure co-workers that you are socially capable and they needn't worry about your aloofness..

I would like to respectfully disagree with Alba on one particular piece of advice which is: pretending. Why should one have to pretend in order to be accepted? Constantly pretending to be something your are not is extremely stressful. So many AS people already have to cope with chronic anxiety, why exacerbate it with pretense. I understand that sometimes people, all people, have to make compromises in order to survive in an uncomfortable environment, in order to acquire and keep gainful employment, but to be expected to transform one's self, one's personality, from Aspie to NT, at the time clock, is expecting far too much. As long as one is cooperative, courteous, kind, punctual, honest, hard working, well groomed and productive, I see no reason for the additional requirement that one must ape the NT majority. It should be against the law for an employer to expect more of an employee than to produce the required work in a timely and respectful manner, and to adhere to the code of ethics that most business establishments and corporations present upfront to the prospective or new employee at the time they are hired. Cheerfulness is a very ambiguous word and state of mind, and to expect an employee to be constantly cheerful is absurd, except in cases where the employee job would be centered around heavy client and public contact, jobs most Aspies would shy away from. So while I understand, or think I understand, that there is much validity to the advice that one must pretend or project certain characteristics that go against or deny the true identity (as if the true self is something to hide or be ashamed of) in order to fit in and be accepted - in the long run, it seems extremely unfair to the point of being a crime against human rights, that one should have to do that in order to get and keep a job - or to get down to basics - to survive.

deleted for redundancy

Last edited by alba on 06 Mar 2009, 5:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Forcefully being cheerful is hell.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Did the review really say annoying but didn't spell out what annoying really means. That is really broad.

You can't please the world. If you start trying to act like someone you are not, someone else will be bothered by it. Someone is always bothered by something. In all honesty, if you are doing a wonderful job - the job you were hired to do, that is all the main boss guy really cares about. If you were someone who seemed extremely nice (...less annoying whatever that means) all the time but sucked at your job, then you probably wouldn't have your job for too long.

Who is to say that those same people wouldn't annoy you, me or some others on here? If someone really said the word "annoy" then they are pretty immature people.

Trying to remember names is so hard for me. I have found that it does help to remember names but my working memory is so low, that's it's really difficult. Remembering faces are difficult as well. That is really good advice, though. I have found that does help!

Bullies do like to pick on not-so-confident people. I have found that when I "act" confident, I don't get picked on. It's strange. People don't make sense to me. I completely don't understand the average person

Alba, fantastic advice in post at 3:12!

I'm copying it down...

I've formed a theory that NTs are dependent on each other for the bursts of dopamine stimulation that these social interactions provide them. Without the brain chemicals produced by these social encounters, however empty they might seem to us, NTs become anxious and depressed just as we might become anxious and depressed if someone forces us to not engage in our special interest. So without these social interactions, in isolation, NTs will wither and die emotionally.

The contacts might seem like empty pleasantries to us, but it is essential to many of them. They think it's odd when someone doesn't understand that, and it's threatening to them when someone appears to withhold validation.

thanks ephemerella


For me, it all comes down to--what am I willing to do to make them happy--so they will let me be happy.


I agree. It's best to avoid being perceived as threatening to them.

What about NT introverts?

Yeah, no kidding! Great post. I don't know about pretending, though. That's a hard one.

I think that there are people who don't need social interaction and people who do. Charismatics seem to be hooked on dopamine from social interaction -- they grow and shine when they have attention and admiration, and seem to go into withdrawals when they are not the center of attention. Then there are introverts who are more comfortable without social interaction than most other people are.

NTs social functioning has to be on a spectrum, too. They can have a broad a range of social consciousness and a range of dependencies on each other.

My boss didnt seem to make a big problem out of it. At the end he told me that I was doing a good job and that my official review would reflect that I do good work. He just mentioned the bothering people thing as something to work on. I doubt I will have any serious problems over this, especially since I work in engineering and spend 90% of my time working by myself. Its not as though I am in marketing or customer relations. I just find it weird that I am supposed to work on bothering people less when I have no idea who is bother or how I am bothering them.

P.S. My efforts to develop telepathy have not been successful thus far. Ill get back to you if I start reading minds.

(And similar comments from several people.)

One ought not need to. It is not fair that we are the ones who are supposed to change, especially considering that we're actually more likely to be doing the concrete parts of the job well, and to be wasting less time.

However, and tragically so, one is unlikely to find a job in a workplace located in the Magical Land of the Sensible, Right, and Just.

That being the case, cosmiccat's question is the wrong question. Why should one pretend? Because people are intolerant dicks and you must be accepted at work in order to keep working, and you'd like to live independantly, eat regularly, and have some toys.

The questions that matter: How does one pull this off without going crazy? How do you figure out just exactly how much of this stupidity you must participate in to do okay at your particular workplace? How do you find a job where that requirement is minimal?

Isn't social clumsiness a common trait among engineers? I am assuming, of course, that a good number of your colleagues are Aspies. You are probably all bugging each other. You should turn the tables on them and tell the boss that it is they who need social lessons.

I've felt like that my whole working life. For years I thought I had some kind of bad luck and just consistently got stuck working with mean people, especially the bosses. Why did they always seem to hate me so much? And why were they never willing to explain anything? I never heard of AS, or had any clue what, specifically, I was doing wrong. But every boss I ever had has given me the lecture about my attitude and being a team player. But from my point of view, it's always been other people who seemed to have the problem. If you ask for specific examples of what they mean, they won't tell you. I haven't had a paying job since learning about AS, and it's nice to have some understanding of what was going on. You're right, though; it really hurts to think about it. In fact, I think I carry a lot of anxiety in me as a result of years of that kind of treatment. Your post really struck a chord with me.

Tracker, I had the same problem a few months ago. I tried everything, the smiling, the not saying anything important, etc. etc. Nothing worked. I saw myself on the way to being fired like other jobs in the past.

So without mentioning AS (which would've got me fired in no time in this neck of the woods) I did tell my boss and the HR people very directly and clearly: "I have an inborn limitation that I need to be told verbally what I'm doing wrong, because I'm extremely weak at grasping nonverbal cues. Please tell me directly and in detail, because otherwise I won't be able to understand and improve. I'm very open-minded and always willing to listen and try out new ways of behaving. I love the company and my work to bits, and want to stay here and do my best." I made it sound like a funny but unfortunate limitation, didn't say it dramatically.

It must've worked, because I've been there almost 2 years already, which is a lot for me to last in a company.

I wouldn't recommend saying it now, only if they become really pressuring about this stuff.

I have read this thread twice now. Here is my suspicion: the people who are bothered by you are also the people who have been there longer whose job performance you are surpassing. They probably are not intentionally trying to sabotage you, but jealousy can manifest as annoyance if the person is not able to recognize that they are, in fact, jealous. I only say this so that you might recognize that your situation may not have anything at all to do with your interpersonal relations. Just stay positive and kind, and keep your personal feelings out of it -- it is strictly business. That was a phrase I repeated to myself often enough, "It's nothing personal, it's strictly business." What is good for the business is good for you. Stay focused on what best serves the business in the long run.

It sounds like you may be embarking upon a promising career if you don't worry too much about whether everyone "likes" you. I'll end the suspense right now -- everyone will not like you. Your only concern is whether anyone has a legitimate complaint or is simply venting their personal issues. If they have no legitimate complaint, it isn't your problem. Stay positive and kind, and keep your personal feelings out of it. That, coupled with job competence, is what professionalism is. Your boss likes your work, so don't let yourself be distracted by the personal issues of others. Of course, if some one has a legitimate complaint, then you should make things right.

I agree that it is not necessary to pretend in order to succeed. It is, however, necessary to be able to communicate who you are in kind and understandable terms. It is not necessary to use the term "aspergers," and diagnostic jargon will probably just creep people out, but simply describing a limitation and asking for forgiveness in advance if you think it may be a problem will smooth the way. I tend to let people know up front that I am bad with names, and ask them to bear with me while I find my way around. When given the chance, most people are compassionate and friendly.

It is important that those around you perceive that you like them, even if you are not like them. In the end, it may be more important that they perceive you like them than whether they like you. The small act of bringing bagels or donuts or cookies one morning goes a long way toward that goal. It is a silly little thing, but it says, "I was thinking about you this morning, and I like you well enough to bring a treat." No pretending necessary; everybody likes food, and I like people to be happy. Life exists in the small things. If anyone says "Thank you," respond briefly that it was no problem, it simply looked good and you thought they would enjoy it. If you bring something that is a personal favorite, it is an easy way to share a part of yourself. "Yes, I have a weakness for the raspberry ones and thought others might like them, too." (But be sure to send an email that goodies are in the breakroom so that everyone knows you brought them. )

edit:
p.s. Bringing a treat is an occasional thing. Maybe on your birthday, St Pat's day if you are Irish or feel Irish, maybe to celebrate the end of a project. No more than once every month or two, maybe no more than a couple times a year depending on corporate culture.