Husband Has AS

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Also, you should consider that your husband, being a grown man, may resent being 'assigned' chores on a schedule, the way a mother does with her son. Talk with him, and you'll find there are things he doesn't mind doing, as long as he has some leeway as to when to do it. So rather than "at 6 PM, do this" you could say "sometime before the end of the day, could you do this?" Any interest or project usually has some natural 'break point', where you can walk away for a moment. He'll know where his are, and can plan accordingly.

And let him know that these things you ask are because you want and need his help, not just to keep him busy. Be sure he knows he's a partner, not a subordinate.

I am NT and my husband is either AS, or pretty close and this is what we do. He is a car nut, he is responsible for the car. He likes to fix things, he is responsible for the house fixing stuff. He is really good at the deep cleaning, like taking out everything in the refrigerator and cleaning it, or moving the furniture and cleaning under that. As much as I hate doing the cleaning I still do most of it, but I am kind of picky about how stuff is done so that is my area.

Basicly, we looked at what we were good at, what we hate and went from there. He has NO concept of money whatsoever so I take care of that, he does most of the "making" of the money so he has the high impact job and I have the cushy one that allows me to take care of my family. We both have strengths and weaknesses and we split up the responsiblities based on that. Anything else, I pretty much take care of because I am more accomodating than he is by nature.

I will say that, as much as I hate the phrase "that's life", everyone has to do things that they hate, everyone has to find a way to push themselves to do these things. That is part of being an adult. Things that you both hate can be either done together so it doesn't take as long, or accomodations can be made to make them easier, such as the schedule, which is a nice idea. Splitting up what is conducive to our talents and sharing the pain, that's what we try to do and it works for us.

Good Luck. Men and chores are hard with NT's too

This is our approach, too. My husband is the NT and me the Aspie who is not the least bit domestically inclined. We deal with this by making it an "event." We work as a team at the same time, with him doing the chores he doesn't mind and me doing the ones I don't mind. We also make a game out of it by researching and trying out various home cleaning methods, cleaners and tools and comparing them. Sounds silly, but it was enough to get me a little bit interested in the whole concept of cleaning, lol.

I do not see how I should be expected to predict which advice would be useful to a person I have never met.

I know people who choose for one partner to pay the other for household chores. The partner responsible for household chores chooses whether to do the work themselves or hire someone in to (usually the ironing when she does the latter). The partner doing the work does not mind because at least they get paid for, and can opt out by hiring someone in to do big chores if they want. Otherwise they treat themselves with their profit, and will not ever use that money for any shared or household purpose. This prevents them from resenting their partner doing nothing and ensures they feel tangibly appreciated. What's wrong with that?

Not doing anything but what you want clarifies who cares about what, and exactly what each party is prepared to do if no one else will do it,and gives a good indication as to how sustainable or amendable the situation is, and what might be the greatest barriers to compromise, and what might be good grounds for building on for a compromise. It's obviously not a permanent measure but an informational exercise.

While in some instances there might be reasons why getting information from a partner's mother is not practical, in many instances it is quite practical to provoke information from a partner's mother (about the kinds and level of chores they are capable of, the best way to motivate them, etc) by "joking" with their mother about their inability/unwillingness to do household chores.

Certainly these measures will not necessarily help everyone, but again, how can I predict that based on a single post of someone I do not know?

While I do agree asking mother would help, I do regret to say that both of his parents have passed away.

I dont know if your still checking this post, but I thought I would leave a quick reply in hopes that you read it.

You say that your husband is a nice person, and overall your marriage is doing well. At least thats what I gathered from your first post. Your problem is just that he doesnt tend to do the chores in the way or time you think should be done which bothers you. Now if that isnt the full story, then please feel free to elaborate, but thats what I got out of it. In this situation, I wouldnt try a complete overhaul of the relationship, after all things are going fine for the most part. Instead if you only have a few problems, I would suggest just dealing with those few problems.

For example, you want help with the laundry, which is fair since half of the clothes are his. Instead of trying to work out schedules, and come to an agreement about when and how it should be done, just do your laundry separately. Get 2 dirty clothes bins, one for him, and one for you. Then you can do your own laundry on your own time however you want to, and he can do the same. The only real rule you need is that you (or he) cant leave clothes sitting in the washer/dryer overnight. If you dont want to sort the clothes when the dryer is done, then just put them in a bin for later sorting.

Likewise, you want him to clean the dishes, but he takes a while to get around and do it. Just get some extra dishes. I never understood why people only get enough dishes to last 2 days before they need to wash them and reuse. If you have enough spare dishes, then you can use those and it wont matter if he waits a day to empty the dishwasher. Likewise, most small problems like these can easily be fixed by just making small changes.

And really when you think about it, you only spend maybe 45 mins per week doing house chores (at least thats about my average, but I live in a small apartment). Is it really worth getting all fed up and upset at your husband because you have to work an hour instead of 45 mins per week? Does that extra 15 mins work per week really hurt you that badly? I dont mean to make light of your problems, but you have to put things into perspective. That extra small bit of time you need to wait isnt worth hours and hours spent worrying about.

If the chore imbalance is horribly one-sided, then you may need to talk to your husband about scheduling, and ask him to do a bit more. But in most situations like these, people tend to make mountains out of mole hills. They spend far more time worrying and complaining about the issues then it would take to actually just fix the problem.

I can understand how things might translate as not helping out.

I'm usually a good helper at home - or at least I think/hope that I am.

What I don't do though is tidy up at night. Night is for relaxing. Saturday and Sunday mornings, fine, that's when I do my best tidying up. Even better, I do better tidying up by myself when my wife is out. I don't like being watched while I tidy up.

When my wife starts something late at night, I don't help out. She's since learned not to do it but she still forgets often.

I guess that what I'm saying is that you need to get to the root of the problem. Why won't he help? Would he help at another time? difference circumstances?

As the husband in a failed marriage where I was undiagnosed until after the marriage ended... I'll give you some practical advice that as a NT you may not be aware of.

I recommend the book Alone Together

-- You are the bridge to normalcy in the relationship, consider yourself a translator.
-- Aspies by nature have few friends, always be the best friend.
-- Conflict in the relationship is about 5x more painful than normal for the Aspie
-- Keep conflict focused on words, no emotions. Many Aspies will talk an issue to death, hours and days - but don't make that painful in their brain by being fast, harsh, uncaring.
-- If your Aspie husband likes head rubs (see "Alone Together"), back rubs, massages, hugs. GIVE THEM LOTS during conflict.
-- do not EVER apply the NT tactics of cutting off attention, sex, etc to change behavior. Punishing behavior just doesn't seem to work the same with most Aspie males, it's better to focus on encouraging and training than it is to punish.

I obviously know nothing of you or your marriage behavior, so don't take this personal - it's just what I know