Why can't we Aspies keep freinds?

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For me, I just don't value friends as important any more. Maintaining a friendship requires going to stupid extents, yet necessary extents which I'm not prepared nor willing to take. All of my friends have eventually got fed up with my apathetic attitude to the relationship, and thus the relationship has degraded to an acquaintanceship, which I'm a lot more happy with and try better to maintain 'cause everyone needs them.
Online friends, I've kept friends online for, well the longest ones being 3 years, but that's only because I only started making friends online when I was 11(I was too dumb to hang around with narcissists at 10 xD).
EMZ=]

In my case, we don't fit together and cannot read each other.

For me it's knowing when's the time to move from acquaitences to friends or from friends to best friends (I find the latter slightly easier), so I just stay at the same point when they want to move up to proper friendship and I when I think it's the right time they already get bored/impatient.
So when I do make a good friend I do the best I can to maintain them but if I don't see them nearly everyday there's a risk of me losing them again.

Of course, they don't really drive us nuts.
Most of us haven't had access to programs we needed in childhood that teach us how to effectively manage our friendships.

Those of us with ASDs need this as much as we need to learn the three Rs. We do not have this inherent ability, we get stressed out by the confusing reactions of others. We take things waaay too seriously because we are prone to obsessing on the petty things people say to get reactions from us.

Our confidence might be low, we tell ourselves others don't really like us or appreciate us. Some of us have difficulties dealing with the typical stresses that come with having friends. We expect friends to be loyal and be on our sides even when others criticise us and this isn't always the case. Most of us have high ideals about friendship. When we are there for our friends, we want them to be there for us and when they aren't, we feel like we are being used it can really stress us out.

This kind of thing can really be difficult for us. One toxic friend can really have a negative impact on us psychologically. It can take years of de-stressing and distancing to retrain our brains and find peace again. We can become addicted to these types of friendships too if we have experienced a lot of negative reinforcement in our youth. It can be a detrimental cycle for us and I would recommend anyone with an ASD distance yourselves from toxic friendships and do not allow yourselves to become psychologically addicted to them.

An Aspie makes a wonderful friend but needs to find people who are supportive and won't take advantage or view us as doormats. You hear a lot about NTs having problems in relationships with Aspies but little attention is paid to our situation...that more often than not we are treated like doormats by others. We are not given the respect we deserve and this brings out what others complain about. We become more aloof and not as cheerful as we are capable of being. We are aware of how we are being treated, tend to dwell on it and not want to be with the person who treats us that way and we aren't timid about making our unhappiness known. We tell them we don't appreciate it and sometimes they turn that around on us. So, it's not just us. It's often a dynamic in a relationship.

I think you have to be very selective in your choice of friends and limit it to a few people. I have a couple of very good friends that I've had for 15 years, but we only get together (usually) every 2 weeks.

They got frustrated at my extreme social anxiety. (But I did at least go out of my way to take my sons to social events and I attended school meetings, markets etc.)
They wanted me to join school committees due to my intelligence and didn't understand when I said it was too much for me to do since I was a SAHM and they worked as well as running a house and kids.
They made rude remarks about my unkempt house.
They said I was lazy when I didn't make cakes for the school fair as my cakes always went wrong.
They got mad when I went on endlessly about my theories and interests.
Whenever I said how proud I was of my boys it seems they thought I was boasting.
They indicated they thought I was whinging when I got nervous at doing anything that was easy for them.
Apparently I asked inappropriate questions but rather than let me know something was confidential they took offence.
One of them pointed out angrily how I was embarrasing my son and I was glad she pointed it out so I could work out a better way to speak to him, but the way she told me was in the same embarrasing way I had just spoken to him, not to mention how she spoke to her brood. ~ Pot Kettle Black ~
These complaints usually came to light when they'd had enough and then they avoided me.

Or to put it another way, they expected me to act 'normal', which is not surprising as I had no idea I was on the spectrum, but I did know I had social anxiety and none had any understanding or acceptance of that.

I have no friends now apart from online, but there is one woman who always stops to chat when I see her at the shop.

i do not keep many "friends" because i have insufficient interest in them after a while.
they have to be keen to stick around.
i see most people as like toys.

i play with toys, and then set them aside when i am done.

i do not mean i manipulate people, i mean i squeeze their mind for things i want to hear them say.
whether they are good or bad toys, they are all thrown back into my box of toys at the end of my day.

not many people can stay with me after i decide i am tired of everyone's presence.

i become rude if people do not exit my house fast enough after i decide they should go.

i will say things like "come on!! come on!! ! the door is there!! ! out we go!! !! excellent!! !" if they are tardy. i get impatient with people who do not perceive that i am finished enjoying their company.

i have very few friends.

What I think it is... Aspies expect more out of a friendship and take it more serious than NTs. Like to us, we expect the two way street of respect, acceptance, support, compassion, understanding, etc. We think if they are our friends, they will accept us for who we are, understand when we need our space, support us when we need help, and in return, we do provide the same respect to them. But NTs friendships are more like acquaintances. To them, those two words are almost synonymous with each other where as to us, there's a distinct difference. It is a lot of work to maintain a friendship to Aspie standards. NT standards don't require that kind of work. So an Aspie who feels friendless if NT, would also have hundreds of friends. The only difference is really how friendship is defined.

Just an inspirational note... I promise you, good friends do exist. They are tough to find, and many times, you just have to give people a chance. It really is a trial and error process. When I was in high school, I didn't think I had any friends for a long time. Then I had a lot of acquaintances to keep me busy, but still not the BFF. Well, one of my acquaintances turned into a best friend forever deal, and since high school (I'm 30 now), I've got 3 best friends who aren't blood related, probably 20-30 good friends, and over 1000 acquaintances (temporary ones, you know the acquaintences I had in high school we remember each other when we see each other, but that's it...and that goes on...I have some now I talk to a lot (like my neighbors) and I know in 5 years, i may never see them again).

For years, I always tried to figure out why my friendships failed. I use to not understand why but now I know why myself and probably a lot of others with any form of autism have had poor friendships. It's more or less keeping up socially. If I had a friend who left to go somewhere, I'd never contact him again. After I graduated High School, I never kept in contact with any after that and it was just, bye and that's it. I guess for me, I just didn't put the emotional draining effort in keeping up with friends. If people stopped talking to me, I'd stop talking to them. My brain can only respond to what others do. I could only keep friendships if it's the other person who puts all the effort and is still trying. I wouldn't know what to do. Do I sound selfish? Absolutely and I am ashamed to admit that. The point is we will never be right socially so having poor friendships is very common.

I've never had a problem keeping friends just making new ones. I'm very loyal so I don't cross my friends but I also look for loyalty in a friend before I am willing to count them as a friend. This is sometimes why I have such a hard time making friends. I'm very picky.

I don't mean this in a blow my own trumpet kind of way but I have an IQ that is 130. Not genius, but kind of smart. Most people can't keep up in a conversation with me. As a result I rarely talk unless I know that they can keep up. I also have NLD so my small talk skills are poor. I prefer in depth conversations. My friend's wife who I consider to be quite intelligent has told me that I intimidate her in normal conversation. I'm usually just trying to be helpful. I think it's little things like that which make it hard for NTs to be loyal to an Aspie.

I had more thoughts on this but I'm groggy from staying up too late. I may post again when I'm more lucid.

It's always been a mystery for me why I can't keep friends if I can make friends. What the hell is it that they discover after a couple years that they didn't know about me before? It's the million dollar question for me.

I think you totally nailed it; it may also be one of the many reasons we tend to scare NTs away so easily....friendship means more to us than it means to them. I certainly don't see my friends as mere acquaintances; I've even done the stupid move of "putting them up on a pedestal"; trust me, it's not smart. Cause when they fall from grace, it ain't a slow and tidy descent, lemme tell ya.

I think it's because they can't spell "friends".

Great thread, a very "American" problem I might add. I find having structured social settings is beneficial for me....but only in small groups. Find a particualr interest you have (not hard for us usually!) and get involved with a local group doing the same thing.

Sometimes it's like a whole other language.


People seem to want to be interested in other people and not the objects in the room.

Talk in my family revolves around tasks and objects:

"Where is the?"

"Where did you put the?"

"Now I have to do..."

"Oh look at the..."

"Look there's a..."

"That's an old part of the building..."

"That was used for..."


Whenever we go anywhere, we spend hours talking to each other about the details of the interior decoration, the patterns on the carpet, the ornaments and the pictures on the wall.

The non-verbal dialect is different, but I've noticed that we make adjustments by making more eye contact and smiling more if we have to. I didn't notice we were acting stuff out until recently.

We don't look at each other so much when we talk to each other we just point our gaze in the direction of the object or animal. Nothing's subtle with us. We say exactly what we mean (within reason) and deflect any conflict with humour.

It's just different, I like it.
I don't see anything wrong with it.

When we do talk about people it's so and so "has a..." or is "going to a...".

I do care about people deeply even if I'm not quite sure how to express this sometimes.


I haven't got a clue what some other people are talking about though.
People have complained that they can't read me or I appear "rude".
I can kind of appreciate why now, but I don't mean any harm.

Or I actually make a friend, I get too clingy, and said friend is scared off.

Yep. All four are totally me.