Got anything random to say: Autistic style

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Why is it so easy and even pleasing for me to openly tell people I have ADHD, but I just cannot tell people about Asperger's? Is it because of my background, my traumatic experience of the process of getting diagnosed with Asperger's and everybody being told about it, that I don't want to relive again? Is it because of the stigma related to autism? Is it because autism sounds more serious than ADHD? Or like as soon as people know you have autism you think they're going to start treating you like you can't understand any jokes and stuff like that? People take ADHD more at face value, but with autism it's like people become a bit afraid of it, I don't know.

Is it about control

I mean like you had no control over your autism diagnosis but you did over the ADHD

Must be it. It's funny how our minds work, isn't it? I mean, I do know that others are probably not viewing autism the same way I do, but even so, how I feel about it is much stronger than how others might be feeling about it.

It's a bit like the way my mother hated her name. Luckily her name was one of those names that could easily be shortened so everybody just called her the shortened version, which she liked, but if someone called her by her full name she cringed so much. I quite liked her name, it wasn't unusual or anything, but say if she was called by her full name in front of other people she'd hide her face and feel so embarrassed. She was aware that probably nobody in the room even cared what her name was, or some might have even liked it, maybe one or two may have had the same name, but she said that knowing that still didn't stop her feeling so insecure about her name.

And that's exactly the same with me with my diagnosis of Asperger's. I know other people probably don't see it the same way as I do, but because I'm so insecure about it, I prefer to be able to take control of the situation and with pride. I think it's more about pride than anything else, just like my mother and her name. Having people, even complete strangers, thinking that she was named something else, probably made her feel better. And it's the same with me.

At the weekend I met my cousin's girlfriend for the first time, but I was so worried in case my aunt might have told her out of my earshot that I have Asperger's - something that doesn't need to be known by everyone I meet. I mean I know it probably won't make her think any differently of me, but it's just how I feel. I prefer other people to not have to tell everyone about my diagnosis like I'm 8 years old (and even then it wasn't that necessary). It's just my personal private business. Even with ADHD, I prefer to be the one to tell people rather than someone else telling everyone on my behalf. I want people to see me as another person, a normal person, not a diagnosis. Asperger's doesn't define me. My name isn't Asperger's. My gender isn't Asperger's. My race isn't Asperger's. My identity isn't Asperger's. People don't need to know this piece of information.

No wonder my mother was single for so long, when she'd split up with my dad. The first thing she told every man she met was that her daughter had Asperger's. That was probably enough to frighten them off, if it looked like it was so important for them to need to know straight away, like it was serious or something.

I wonder why people think your business is theirs even though you're an adult

Do they know how much anxiety this causes you

I'm Not Like Everybody Else by The Kinks is my favourite song. I wonder if Ray Davies is on the spectrum.

Louisiana Belle is probably my favourite song by Stephen Foster.

I love him so much.

I think that DSM-V approach to autism is too strict. I think that too mamy symptoms are required for diagnosis of ASD in DSM-V in comparison to DSM-IV criteria for PDD (especially Asperger syndrome). I think that autism is too restrictly understood and that basic autism could be considered "narrowing the relationship to the world outside oneself" and "a disturbance of the instinct", so it could be thought that "an autist is only oneself".

Sukhareva's term for what many decades later was named ASD was "schizoid (eccentric) psychopathy" and later "autistic (pathologic avoidant) psychopathy", so I would think that basic autism is like childhood-onset (constitutional) personality disorder ("psychopathy" is an old, outdated term for personality disorder), a schizophrenia spectrum disorder (especially schizotypal or schizoid) or something alike, a condition associated with oddness and eccentricity and something associated with pathological avoidance (I would say: especially avoidance of discomfort, danger or difficult, not necessarily avoidance of all or many commands or requests; not social phobia, not extreme introversion (so no disinterest in interpersonal interactions), of course also not being oppositional-defiant). I definitely not think that autism has to be associated with severe sensory issues or difficulties with hidden meanings like metaphors and sarcasm!

I would say that what is commonly understood as autism is only one of kinds of autism. I would think that nonverbal learning disorder (not mere developmental visual-spatial disorder) and social (pragmatic) communication disorder should be classified as pervasive developmental disorders (so as certain kinds of autism), not as specific or non-autistic developmental disorders. Problems with executive functioning, concentration or attention are also often found in people with pervasive developmental disorders.

My aunt just says I'm too old to be embarrassed or whatever. Whether I'm too old to feel embarrassed or that feeling embarrassed about my diagnosis is kind or not, still won't change how I feel about it.

The cliché where people say that I should reveal my AS diagnosis to people and that if people react negatively then they're not worth knowing and all that. Ugh! That is a very black and white take on this sort of thing and is not seeing the bigger picture. My feelings about diagnosis revealed is a lot more complex than that. It's not even always about them, it's about me and how I feel, my past experience with the diagnosis, the way I feel about it, and my sense of pride. There are lots of factors and it's hardly to do with how other people will react to it. It's a bit like if you have had IBS or something from a young child that has caused a lot of embarrassing experiences for you and it was always the first fact about you that was revealed to others beyond your control and it made your peers treat you differently and just society in general conditioned you to feel shame and even guilt, and so you've became an adult with a mindset of "you know, IBS doesn't define me, it is something that I have got that doesn't really need to be broadcasted to the world. I find it much easier if people don't know about it, it's less awkward, especially that my IBS is not exactly obvious to the world and is just something that I have got."
I don't have IBS by the way, I was just using it as an analogy.

I think that very many people diagnosed with NVLD who were considered not meeting ASD criteria are in fact autistic.

This is something I've wondered about all my life but been too shy/ashamed to ask: "Is everybody else thinking verbally?"

Is it a myth? A narrative convention? Or something that real people are actually, really doing?

I think, from a quick scan of a few awful pop psychology articles, that there seems to be a true phenomenon of 'verbal thinking' or 'inner voice', and that this refers to thoughts that are actually verbal.

But my head doesn't quite want to wrap itself around it.

I think that sometimes NVLD "itself" can certainly be more impairing than certain clinical cases of ASD.

There are more than just one type of autism.

Classic Autism
High Functioning Autism
Asperger's Syndrome
PDD NOS
NVLD
Rett's Syndrome
Fragile X Syndrome
ADD/ADHD

I agree.

there's the pesky internal dialogue,
there' s meditations and other methods to stop that
bc it mostly goes in circles and trodden paths and possibly obstructs new information





" The human mind, a marvel of complexity, engages in a constant conversation with itself known as inner dialogue. Our minds are amazing storytelling machines able to conjure up a multiplex of stories about our future, our past, and even the very present moment. How you spin these stories is vital to your overall happiness with life – and also the level of your achievement. It is the workings of your inner dialogue that lead us to that “can or can’t” in the very famous Henry Ford quote: “If you think you can or if you think you can’t, either way, you are right.” "


eg.

I received diagnosis of a pervasive developmental disorder, but I do not received a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (I was not diagnosed using DSM-V or ICD-11).