First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

Post Reply New Topic

Upon further review. I suppose a more accurate way of saying it would be, that I do not agree completely.

If we were to break things down a bit. From these quotes.

Was a faux pas commited? Probably not; however, not enough information is given for me to be certain of this. To be certain, aspieMD would have to tell us the exact phrase she used to ask the salesperson if a skirt is too short. Inquiring on whether a skirt is too short for a professional job to a salesperson isn't faux pas, but it's possible AspieMD said it in a way that made it so.

Is their anything wrong with "asking her to help you figure out what would be appropriate for a given occasion"? Inquiring for this kind of information from the salesperson I would also say, there is nothing wrong with that and when I worked in a clothing department store would get similar questions asked occasionally.

If I witnessed such a situation as this in it's entirety, I would probably think the mother's reaction was over the top as well.

Looking at the mother's text, she does make two potential indirect insults in the sense that someone might take as meaning 'a moron that asks 4 year old boys for information'. They aren't direct insults, I am a male myself and if another male said something similar to me, It might not sound so insulting; but then again, between females, indirect insults are usually more insulting. So was the text inappropriate? It's difficult for me to say.

AspieMD, hopefully you can remember the phrase you used to the salesperson and respond with a quote and then I could give you a more accurate answer.

AspieMD did already say what was said, though.

"Is this skirt too short for a professional job?" is what was said.

We also got exactly what AspieMD's mother said. Note even the mother although furious doesn't say other than what AspieMD said they said i.e. "what is appropriate for work?":



To me the anger is way overboard, unless AspieMD did something extreme (like disrobe in the middle of the store, punch the clerk in the eye, belch loudly), but surely the furious mother's furious text would have mentioned that if so. Anyway it's been sorted really, by AspieMD's doctor, who said the mother did overreact.

Hi by the way!

To the AS's

When your watching stand-up comedy are their certain jokes that you do not understand and are their certain jokes you do understand that you find funny. Do you have a stand-up comedian you know of you have found particularly funny/entertaining, maybe a favorite?

What would be a comedy TV show/soap opera you find entertaining and what aspects of it do you find funny/entertaining?

Hi Benedict,

I am not a huge fan of stand up comedy, but I quite enjoy Dave Chappelle and Ricky Gervais.

I am a fan of the BBC Radio comedy series "The News Quiz" and the "The Now Show" --In my youth I was the sort of rabid Monty Python fan who could quote entire episodes word for word. I often watch bits from the various Fry and Laurie shows and Blackadder. I quite enjoy the Big Bang Theory, 30 Rock and Veep.

I have a question for you: are you completely sure you are Neurotypical? I ask this because something in your exchanges here seems a bit off. Popsicle just took time to answer your comment carefully and greet you and you then posted a question without acknowledging that greeting at all. That seems odd to me and I imagine that if I were Popsicle I would think you were being a little rude. Was that your intention or am I just not reading this right at all?

I wasn't trying to be rude, but if was rude it was unintentional. I disagree when some of his reason, but this thread is about question/answers from people and not debating. If an AS asks the NTs a question, and two NTs have different opinions, that is to be expected.

Taken from the OP of the thread " therefore no debate or criticism is appropriate to this thread."

I think our responses on this one question could easily fill up a whole page, at least I was ready too, so I had too stop myself from breaking the rules laid out by the OP.

No it wasn't my intention, sorry in advance if I came off that way.

Question to AS: when your watching one of those or similar TV shows, or for those not following the thread, any TV show, do you find it easier to pick up on non-verbal message than you would irl?

Interesting! Thanks for the reply, Benedict.

I do read peoples intentions incorrectly and so try to avoid leaping to conclusions, it is fascinating to me to get confirmation from the people involved when I have got it completely wrong, especially when it's an issue of tone or subtext.

In text exchanges like these, there are no nonverbal cues other than smileys, so it's even harder and I think is a contributing factor in many flame wars. I have no idea if AS has an inpact on that problem, but it seems to be an issue for many neurotypicals.

In answer to your new question, I think that in comedy, the non verbals are very broad, because they are being exagerated for laughs. The humor is often created by the clash of expected behavior vs. the behavior shown.

You can see this very clearly in the Marx Brothers' "Duck Soup"or Rowan Atkinson's physical comedy in Blackadder. I don't really know what I am missing, though. I know that comedy seems very funny to me. But are there things that NTs see in it that I don't? How could I know?

The same goes for contrasts with situations IRL. I don't know what I am missing, so I can't compare. In real life, though, people don't "ham it up, or exagerate for comedic or dramatic effect" so I am sure some things are easier to see in performances on screen or stage.

(ETA: I was answering Adamantium's prior post in this post; I had the same feeling, I think your instinct was correct Adamantium.) Thank you Adamantium. That was the impression I received also from the original post in which I seemed to be singled out unnecessarily.

benedict thank you for saying you did not mean to be rude. My interpretation of 'no debate' is that it is not necessary to 'call out' another poster and say "I disagree" - that is debate, rather than simply posting one's own opinion. As you say this is about each of us simply answering with our own opinion. So it wasn't really necessary to mention me.

Also it's customary to at least introduce oneself and say hello in a first post. (Usually in a hello, newcomer, etc. topic? But it's not so formal here, anywhere is OK probably.) So that's one reason I said hi, after you had posted to take issue with what I had said to AspieMD. I was hoping to say hi and welcome to the forum. I was hoping to cool off what felt like your anger in your reply to me. (And since you've said that you did have to hold yourself back to avoid breaking the rules here I assume you were angry.) I realize it can be difficult when joining a new forum, and people can put a foot wrong without meaning to, etc.

So again, hi, benedict! and welcome!

Thanks for that note Popsicle!

I feel slightly reassured about my initial impressions of that exchange, and I have studied that sort of thing since I was a teenager, so I am happy to have gotten it at least partly right!

You're welcome Adamantium!

I met a guy who I found really interesting, full of energy, VERY intelligent and, well just, different - which I loved! However, has turned out to be a rollercoaster, up-down relationship over the last year with me ending up getting hurt, now for the third time after being shut out/pushed away. This guy "thinks" he has Aspergers, but is undiagnosed. His father has it, and he appears to have the traits..... He told me a few months in that he thinks he has Aspergers, but I wasn't really phased by it. Although now, I am pretty much ready to give up, to save my heart. I have done nothing but support him and be therefore him and tried to help him with any difficulties he came across. Any ideas Aspies please, for a last ditch attempt? Although he is kind of in shut out phase at the moment, so I'm not really hearing from him much at all. So I backed off in a big way....

Sorry, hi, everyone - pretty new to this, so not really sure what I'm doing! :S

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

As you may have heard already, "When you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie." His reasoning for "pushing you away" is probably as unique as he is.

It may be that he does not ever realize that he is pushing you away; he may simply be so immersed in his interests that the interests consume his entire thought process. This does not mean that he loves you less than his interests; many Aspies can only focus on one thing at a time.

It may also be that he does not need as much social interaction as you do and does not realize that you are feeling an absence. Are you familiar with the Sims 3 video game? The "Sims" are virtual people; their needs are displayed by little meters that are drained and filled according to their interactions. It may be that his "social" meter fills up quickly and depletes slowly; thus, he may not need to interact much to feel "content," and interacting more may actually overwhelm him. Social interaction actually drains many Aspie's "energy" meter very quickly, so they need time in isolation to refill that meter. He may have no idea that your meters fill up at different rates and in different ways than his does.
(If my metaphor is confusing you, this article may help: http://sims.wikia.com/wiki/Motive )

He may also not know how to proceed in the relationship and is thus withdrawing out of stunned confusion; he may feel overwhelmed. It is also possible that he has co-morid depression or anxiety (those are fairly common co-morids to Asperger's) and is withdrawing to deal with those issues.

In any instance, your best bet would be to be direct and raise the issue with him. Explain that you feel that he is pushing you away and allow him to explain his reasoning. You are doing a wonderful job by being compassionate and supportive. You, of course, are a person, too; if the relationship has become too painful or too much, then you have every right to ensure your own happiness. It is very nice, though, that you are willing to give it a final attempt.

Best of luck and happiness to both you and your partner!

Thank you WerewolfPoet,

I have read into Aspergers a LOT since he mentioned it, and also sent him some info about getting diagnosed and places he can go to get help. I've read Cognitive Behaviour Therapy can be very good.

Basically, he has had to move home a few times - last October - when he last went all distant and then again more recently 3-4 wks again, the second time for him to go distant on me and not contact me hardly. I understand that the upheaval can be a bit much to bear for someone with Aspergers. He also does have some family issues - does not get on with his mum (due to an affair she had), a bad relationship last year.... I think it probably did all overwhelm him. I just find it difficult to understand if there is someone there prepared to help/offer support and listen and be there, that a person wouldn't be really pleased to have this person in their life.... :S

I have always been honest and expressed what has hurt me and that the absence/lack of contact upsets me.

Only a few months ago (following the initial break-up), he was saying how much he missed me and that he felt empty inside at the thought of me dating anyone else. That he wanted to make every effort to win me back... :S And he did for a couple months, then the house-move and it's back to shut-out mode....

I hope he does not look at these forums too!

:S

I guess I've just been trying to work out if it is the Aspergers or whether it is just his personality and/or issues...

I have found Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to be useful with managing emotions and negative thoughts, though it is not a quite a "magic cure" (there is none); Dialectical Behavioral Therapy can also help with emotional regulation.

He may not know how to ask for help or what help to ask for; he seems to appreciate you deeply but does not know how to reach out to you and, thus, does not. He may also be too ashamed of his weaknesses and struggles to admit them too you, or he may not want to be a burden to you (I struggle a lot with the last one; I will often avoid contacting people out of the fear that I am inconveniencing them). As you said, though...



It is likely a mixture of everything. Aspergers can effect the personality, to a degree, but Aspergers is not the entire personality. The issues with his family may also be having an impact on the way he relates to you. It may be that he never learned to trust his mother to confront him or to provide for his emotional needs, so he does not know how to trust anybody else to do the same; he may have developed an ambivalent style of attachment, in which they are highly attached to a person but holds that person at a distance (see http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/ss/attachmentstyle_5.htm). Thus, the issues may be aggravating some of the social aspects of his Asperger's Syndrome (which will likely be diagnosed as Autistic Spectrum Disorder under the DSM V, if you live in the United States; all of the "autisms" have been condensed into one category), which may be contributing to how his personality manifests itself. Therapy would likely be very beneficial to him, regardless of his diagnosis, as the therapist can help him to resolve some of the issues with his family and with the past relationship. The hard part is getting any man, Aspergers or not, to admit that he needs help from a professional.

Thank you very much, I am finding your replies very helpful in understanding all this.
Well I've backed off completely from him to give him his space (I read that the more you push/.... the further Aspies can retreat? This has worked previously - as much as I hate the fact that it feels like game playing!)...

I remember him saying previously that the reason he had left it so long to try to "get me back" was that he didn't want to let me down, but this most recent time he has said that he doesn't feel he can give me what he needs. All this seems to state - low self esteem to me, but I don't really know what I can do without coming across as desperate myself! :S

I realise there is no cure... His father has Aspergers (although I'm unsure if diagnosed)... I've offered him the info on getting diagnosed and getting help and he said he read it all and sorry that he hasn't replied yet, but it is in his thoughts...

Just not sure on next step - patience? I assumed that if I asked any further or sent him any more info he could get overwhelmed?