The site where they BASH Aspie husband and wives. :O

Post Reply New Topic

Yes, and sometimes, a lot of what they describe doesn't sound like ASD at all. It's possible that some aspies do have OSD-like tendencies, I used to. I don't think that there's anything wrong with having a partner that has OSD either though.

NTs often have hidden ulterior motives and so latch onto anything they can use as an excuse to force division and separation.

Using the alternate explanation is a strategic decision that allows them a greater position of power during the exchange.

Honesty would often force them to experience significantly more guilt, and face the reality of their own motivations. This would be incredibly uncomfortable for an NT, and something they are conditioned to avoid.

Well until I read some posting on that site I was feeling kind of good today and good about accepting my autism

I agree, there is nothing wrong with having a partner with either OCD (you meant OCD right?) or ASD, either way.


Here's a thread where they are warning the poster not to marry someone who was diagnosed with Tourette's, and may or may not have PDD (Waiting for psychological evaluation):
http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartne ... sg=13395.1

The OP:



One of the replies says:

Going by that poster's definition I could "diagnose" pretty much everyone with "something".

I could turn the tables and say that those people "have something" that is not good for us either, and I don't really care what the official name is for it. I will just call it asshattery.

Exactly.

Yes, I've noticed that too. I feel like I want give responses to some of the things they've said. It's not a surprise to me that they're asking him to not marry her, they say that same thing to just about everyone who goes into that forum asking questions. Anyway, here it goes:



The part in bold is my own emphasis. It's even admitted this time. Instead of helping him or giving him information about the with the issues, they blatantly say that he must leave her because of something she can't change. It almost seems like they don't understand the message that we're getting from them "warning" everyone to not be in a relationship with us because of being on the autism spectrum. The message we're getting is that we shouldn't be in relationships simply because of a neurological condition that we can't do anything about and that's blatant ableism. Strangely enough, bstn3 complains in the very next reply that we call them "aspie-haters" for saying that but doesn't take into that what they're doing IS actually ableism, which get to later.



He wants to stay with her because he loves her perhaps? Anyway, what I would of rather advised him to do is to try and communicate his needs clearly so that she knows how to empathise with him. Aspies and other ASD individuals actually still do have emotional empathy, which these women aren't taking into account, assuming that this man's fiancee does have ASD that is.



We do and do you want to why? (Note: I'm addressing bstn3 here, not anyone on WP.) Because saying that aspies (or any other group with a disability for that matter) should not be in relationships because of said disability IS ableism. I've got Asperger's and whether you like it or not, I've got every right to seek relationships, including romantic and sexual ones, just like EVERYBODY ELSE. If anyone wants to reject me because of my Asperger's, then that's down to individual choice but it is still not for YOU to "warn" anyone that they should not get into any relationship with an aspie, it's for them to decide. As an aspie, I have every right to seek a relationship and if I find someone who is willing to deal with my issues, rather than to reject me, then I've got a right to make the choice to have a mutual relationship with them just as they do with me. If someone just wants to know how to help their partner, regardless of their issues, then it's not for you to tell them to leave their partner because that's their choice and theirs alone to make. They are only looking for ways to help to their partner or support them with their disability and so the most appropriate response is to give them information on how to help their partner. The only exception that I'd make to this rule is if they were currently being abused by their partner, which in this case he isn't.

There's are other things written by other posters in this thread that I consider to be ableist but I'll only address one more later on.



Strangely enough, that's what we want too. At least I do but they discount that.



So, we're being compared to alcoholics and drug abusers now? Ableism galore. And with regards to not being able to work, would you leave a partner if they couldn't work after, say a car accident, where they become disabled? What happens if they fall ill with cancer? would you leave them then? Oh, and the misinterpretation again comes down to communication, so just work out ways to communicate better. All we want is a little understanding, that's all.

Such lovely people, spreading hate based on stereotypes!

I feel like I want to respond to but at the same time...ugh, what a chore to do so. The things they are saying are wrong on so many levels I hardly know where to begin.



I actually wouldn't mind so much if a person says for themselves, as an individual, that they would prefer not to have a relationship with someone who is autistic, or has some other kind of disability. I respect that being someone's personal choice.

But when they are telling others to follow suit across the board, they are actually turning it around and saying that the person who has a disability shouldn't be in a relationship. That's crossing a line, and it's spreading prejudice and bias against people who have disabilities.

Secondly though, if they are going to talk about why they feel that way, they better damn well know what they are talking about. If they are going to talk having bad experiences with people who have AS, they better be sure whether or not that's actually what the person has. If their partners actually have other conditions, they are spreading a tremendous amount of misinformation about autism. Actually I think they are doing that anyway, even if their partners really DO have AS, because they clearly don't understand much about it.

However that one post I quoted made it clear that many of them don't care what the actual condition is. So additionally they don't care if what they are saying about AS is accurate or not. And when people who are upset with their partners join the group, seeking more information, they are told automatically that it sounds like the partner has AS. The lack of objectivity there is just astounding.



That's good advice, and I think that's really good advice for ANY relationship, not just when a partner has an ASD. It would be unreasonable to expect anyone to have 100% unfailing empathy in a relationship. No human being can do that. It would be like asking someone to have a god-like ability.

Everyone runs into situations where they may not be able to understand another person's perspective, or truly feel for them, and often people are simply unaware of it. Sometimes people don't empathize because they are oblivious to something. This is true of all people.

But, I noticed a lot of posts there where the person self-righteously praised their own ability to empathize, while reviling their partner. Isn't that interesting? You'd think a person with true empathy for their partner, much less a partner with a disability, would be more compassionate. I think some of them are grossly overestimating their ability to empathize with their partners.

Anyway back to the example in that post. The person mentions ONE instance in which the partner does not empathize, and the person who replies immediately leaps to the conclusion that the partner "cannot empathize with you." That's a huge leap in logic, and there's no reason to believe that the woman is unable to empathize with her partner at all. It's simply stated that she does not empathize in that particular situation, which is her partner's perception and may not even be the case at all.

But I think it's understandable if she doesn't fully empathize, because it would be a conflict of interest for her. She does not want her fiancé to discuss her situation with family or friends, which is reasonable and it's her right to request that. Empathizing too much with her partner's frustration about it might make her feel guilty about it.

It just sounds like a common relationship issue to me, not much different for instance than if a someone was waiting to find out if they have a cancer diagnosis, wanted to keep it private and did not want their partner to discuss it with family yet.

Generally speaking people who are facing very stressful situations, dealing with disability or illness, etc. have less inner resources available to them to empathize with others, because they need to be more focused on their own needs. It's NOT a matter of being "unable" to empathize or "cannot" empathize. It's a question of priority.



That's what irks me in particular, they are mixing up AS/ASD/PDD with a myriad of other things and then blaming it all on "AS." That's just plain wrong.



Exactly. And it's showing that they misunderstand, or simply don't respect what marriage is, which is a promise to stay with someone through good times AND bad. Accidents, disability, illness, unemployment, etc. can happen to ANYONE. What if it happened to one of them, and their partner was writing all over some website about how miserable it is making them?

If she doesn't believe you, then the relationship isn't good and she has trust issues. Relationships is all about trust. You are supposed to trust your partner when he tells you it wasn't his intent or something was unintentional. You have to be able to trust someone to be in a good relationship IMO.

IRT the above posts.
They on that site seem to me to be extremely selfish and self-serving. If that's the case, then it makes perfect sense that they view other people, such as their partners to be very selfish and self-serving. Most people do not reverse engineer their thinking back to true intent or origins, and so projections seem entirely real to them.
What they display is their pursuit of happiness and/or euphoria at the expense of their partners, thus charging them with the responsibility of providing it to them. That's how they view their relationship, - as a tool to work in their favor. The well-being of their partner was never a real or significant concern.

This helps make clear what I said above.


Another observation I have made in several areas points towards the typical NTs' operation within deception. This includes the identities, characters, acting, and lies, - often described as normally expected by social pressures.

If your partner doesn't operate within that world and they expect concrete basis for things in order to validate them (instead of social pressures), then it would make sense that they would often not automatically believe their NT partners, and question them further to seek real validation. Since many, or perhaps most cases, would completely lack any real validation, this would force the NT partner into a corner of invalidation that would become psychologically unacceptable to them.

In other words, someone who feels they must lie to you will get extremely upset at you for calling them out on their lies.
If you do not cave in to the pressure and start either believing them or pretending to believe, then they will want to flee the situation.

On the other hand, a very easy way to deal with someone who doesn't automatically believe you is to build a REAL foundation of trust by providing tangible support for the things that are in question. If you were honest to begin with, then it should be easy to provide such support. Your partner would appreciate this, and trust would grow.
To expect automatic trust in any relationship is insane.

Another interesting post:

I, I, I, I, I. Self-absorbed whiners reassuring each other that they are victims. Boo-hoo.

That's what I think of ASPartners.

A forum that permits the propagation of hate, fear, and misinformation cleverly disguised as a "support group."

I think they are like those people who see the Virgin Mary in a piece of toast. They see "Aspi" in everything.

Anyway, from Karla's ASD page on Facebook...here's an article about a happily married AS/NT couple:

http://autismdigest.com/partners-confli ... omplement/