Why do NTs turn nasty ...

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Feyhera:

In answer to your question, once again, please don't exclude your signature on my account. I already said that I would never expect you to do that. I simply gave you my take on the interpretation of the metaphor, which is the way it comes across to me, and I asked you if you realized that it might be offensive to some aspies. I thanked you for your response and your explanation of what the signature meant to you. You didn't mean to compare aspies to cold blooded poisonous snakes. Very good. Fini. Thanks again. Peace

It is true that Feyhera has had a pretty interesting life which would make a good book. Feyhera, I would like you to understand that it might seem like your husband is cold, and that is how many aspies might seem to NTs but it isnt the case.

What is most likely is that he is having difficulty processing what is happening with you. He probably doesnt understand. If you are crying and he is sitting in silence he is probably sitting wondering what he could do to help you.

He is very likely formulating solutions to your pain but ends up not knowing what to do. Men, AS and NT have a huge tendency to respond to a lot of emotion with confusion and withdrawal.

Believe me, I have dated NT men who need quite a bit of time alone with their computer games, sports on tv, fishing.. men in general are not the best at dealing with emotions, and aspie men are at an extra disadvantage a lot of the time.

Also, people might think me cold at times, but if I am cold it is only because I can only process so much as well and then I end up shutting everything else out. Sometimes this means I am not there for people. I dont really like being like this, but it is not like I am going to magically sprout the ability to process multiple types of stimuli. This is how I am.


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Willmark, you might have hit the nail on the head with your post. Perhaps it is because I am an extroverted aspie that I find posting on boards very difficult, though not as difficult as real life. There are so many things to consider during communication, I think that is why I find it hard, I can only consider one thing at a time, I have often wished to be an introverted aspie because then I could happily hole up with interests and not feel such an incessant desire to communicate all the time, as I really am not good at doing it right and properly.

I dont think I have a lot in common with NT ENFPs because they usually have such fantastic social skills, from childhood... and that aint me.

Cosmiccat, I think your table is hilarious, especially since i am near the top of it.. i had no idea I had made so many posts in this thread. .

I'm really glad you liked it, Zen Mistress. It took a hell of a long time to create, and half way through I said to myself, "What are you, nuts or something? But, once I start a project like that, I have to finish it. I was curious to see who among the group on this particular thread were the most prolific posters. But, I agree, it is funny, and funnier still to me, that I spent so much time on such a basically useless thing. I love making lists and tables and using Excel and Access, and any excuse will do. Thanks for commenting though, it makes me feel that it wasn't a total waste of time and space. I have also created a data base of my dreams, to keep track of them and to look for patterns, both negative and positive. Plus - it's just plain fun and keeps me focused. When I'm concentrating on something very deeply, I am in my best form, physically and mentally.

Interesting. I rarely look at people's signatures because I pretty much never "get" what they are about on here. Same with the avatars; the way people think here is totally different than how I do.

As for marriage ... I think it is less an AS / NT problem you are describing, than simply two humans with different needs and different ways of being in a marriage. There are no right or wrong answers on how to balance affection, togetherness, shared experiences, and so on. Every couple settles it for themselves, and often very differently. The woman who marries a soldier, for example, is going to be completely on her own for months - maybe years - on end. That will or will not work depending on who she is and what her needs for immediate nuture are. Sure, she may get loving letters, but she won't have the touch ...

My husband and I are pretty independent within our marriage. We were both older when we got married for the first time, and were used to doing things our own way in our own time. So, we choose to allow that to extend into our marriage, to the extent practical. We are together on so many things - I can almost know what he is thinking without asking when it comes to politics, the kids, and much more - but completely within ourselves on others. If he wants to make a stop after work and comes home an hour late, it isn't a big deal. He actually usually calls, but sometimes he loses track of time, and I know that about him, so I just go ahead and start eating with the kids and maybe after an hour start wondering if I should check on him just to make sure everything is OK. We've reached our own rhythm and it works for us. We're not way affectionate but enough to meet my needs. But, thinking about it, I do remember some rough years ... there were things we needed to work through about ourselves and each other.

Right now it sounds like you have an emotional need that he isn't able to meet. Many couples have gone through that. Are you working with any couples counselors on how to find reasonable compromises? You both can work towards this. Marriage is a journey, and this sort of thing is all part of that.

You're totally right about some of the misunderstandings arising from "guy stuff" And thanks for some of those insights about what may be going on in his head. I often wonder.

The guy factor isn't alone... let's not forget he's also French, so there's cultural barriers as well as a language barrier. So, it's kind of funny really, seeing us trying to figure out if my American-ness has me fightin' mad ('cause sorry, he can be very stereotypically "French", and all that can negatively imply), or something I've said in English to him just didn't quite compute and he reacts in a non-sequitur way, or if I'm just being a bit b*tchy, or if my own emotional issues/history are triggering *takes big breath* or just possibly could it be an AS moment? Sheesh. It's probably mathematically impossible for things to ever run smoothly around here... and amazingly, sometimes they do! Wild, huh?

And hey, Cosmiccat, may I also add my thanks for the list you took so much time to compile. I hadn't realized you did that yourself and just assumed there was some way of accessing that info somewhere on the forum. Quite a feat there. I'm very impressed. And, kind of surprised at my position on it... 4th I think? Dang. And I thought I was mostly lurking after the first 5 pages!

I know it is great to have created something and had someone appreciate it. I like seeing things that people have done, on here and off.

Im not a big systemiser, but I used to love playing with graphics, when my eyes were behaving better anyway.

The dream database sounds like a really good idea. I wonder if I should start a dream journal up.

This post really says it all. I mean, AS or no, all couples need to find their rhythm. The AS diagnosis was just a factor to deal into the whole hand of cards we've been dealt. And the AS is actually not all bad either. Imagine, I'm in a foreign country, having arrived only 3 yrs ago with no language skills. Sure, I was raised overseas, but every country is different, so no amount of experience can ready you for any new case of culture shock. It's hard coming from being a completely self-sufficient adult, able to talk for myself, make appointments with doctors, ask for special spices at the store, tell my hairdresser the exact cut I'm going for, etc and give that all up and start from scratch as though I was 20 again. And as any of you who've read some of my more "expositionary" posts, I've got a few of my own issues to work on. Both of us believe in therapy. I was a steady customer at home. Had to be, if life was going to ever be worth living. But, try as I might to get a pat diagnosis so they could give me meds to make the pain just go away, all I ever got was "PTSD" (oh, ya' think?) and Battered Child/Woman Syndrome (omg, duh!). I was once told that I'm NOT normal (yipee!) simply because anyone normal would've totally gone off the deep end by now (and that was before France and the AS/BPD was in my life). So, definitely, we all come to marriages with our own baggage. And me and my hubby are actively working on putting those suitcases down. We do have a couple's counselor (hard to find one who speaks enough Eng to talk about deep issues) and my guy sees a psychiatrist for his BPD once a month.

BTW, I haven't mentioned it yet 'cause there hasn't really been a venue, other than my blog, but it turns out that right around the time I first signed on here, my husband WAS having a BPD meltdown, heading toward a psychotic episode. If you look at my blog, you'll see some entries showing the slow descent into "uh-oh Land". So, after I identified it, we called his psychiatrist, she up'ed his meds, put him on a sedative and sent him to bed for the weekend. Things have improved around here immensely since. So, the BPD does play a role with us as well.

DW, thanks for the reassuring examples of how AS is just a part of the issue and not the whole ball of wax. I think it's easy to lose sight of that sometimes.

Hey, Cosmiccat!

Is this an improvement?
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I dont know. I see the whole coldness thing as a misunderstanding. There is nothing cold about me, or any aspie I have met. Autism isnt a condition of coldness, it is sort of a condition of being far away, or in one's own world. Im not cold.

It has nothing to do with autism. Just her husband.

John Kerry revisited

I used to date a guy from France who was visiting the states for work (like his permanent job sent him here for a year). He wined and dined me like no other man I ever dated. I always thought that wining and dining came from his culture. Sadly, I broke up with him for two reasons... first, he never seemed interested in me beneath the surface. All we ever knew was the food and wine about each other. He had no interest in my paintings, poetry, spiritual views, etc. Second, (no offense), he didn't wear deoderant, and I had a hard time cuddling. Some dudes have a nice BO, but he didn't. I suppose i could have gotten used to it in time. But I will say he was also very emotional for a dude. I don't know if that's a French thing or if it was just him. I am also very curious... is the F-word a bad word out there? I was reading that they didn't see it as a bad word in Paris.

I totally understand the language barrier sometimes. My husband is from Puerto Rico and Spanish is his first language. His English is amazing, but there are times i swear he's not listening to me when I realize later he just didn't understand me and was too embarrassed to say anything. Plus like when you are into something, you can easily have a conversation or at least hear what someone is saying to you, in your language. Like playing on the computer and someone walks in saying, "The kids need a bath." I get that. But if someone said it in another language, I probably would totally ignore it as a Charlie Brown's "Waah wa wah, wa wah." It still starts so many arguments though becuase it's so frustrating at times.

This :

"the cold aspie."

Personally I think she should keep her sig the way was originally. Far be it for me to wave the censorship banner, though I know I felt angry at it at first.

I think what bothers me most about her signature, on reflection, is not its potential offensiveness, but the inaccuracy of it. I dont believe her husband is cold, he actually seems very loving by her description.
But people can think we are cold when we shut down and wont allow anything else in. I know in my childhood I was called all sorts of things: selfish, uncaring, callous, because I failed to do what I was supposed to do, or didnt fulfil someone's needs because of the difficulties I have had.

I just think she feels left out in the cold, maybe that is what she is trying to say, I am not sure though....

Heh ..... At the risk of having you throw a virtual shoe at me ...... I like the first one better. For aesthetic reasons. The imagery in the first is lacking in the second, an unspecified coldness doesn't do the trick. One shouldn't mess with Act V, Scene II.

I got your virtual footwear right here!



(hee hee, couldn't resist! )

Oh, alright. And yes, the Bard would probably not approve of the ambiguity in the latest rendition. Critics! Man! No pleasing 'em.

Soooo.... one more try....how's this? Better? (suggestions for tweeking it are welcome)
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