Social Skills Training for Adults

Post Reply New Topic

Yes. I got a lot of nasty abuse when I was growing up, so it took me a long time to figure out friendly teasing. Mostly, I assumed that it was intended to be harmful. Even now, I'm not very good at figuring things out. I rely a lot on who is doing it, and assume that if they are otherwise friendly towards me, that the teasing is friendly, even if it seems abusive.

In my 20s and even in my 30s, I think that I went too far with friendly teasing, and probably went into borderline abusive. I've learned to tone things down, because I really am poor at judging where the cutoff should be. I just am very cautious about what I say, unless I am sure that things won't be misunderstood.

Hey! Stop "friendly teasing" in my log!

You know this humor thing goes both ways.... Before the appointment yesterday the Doctor sent me an email asking if he could use my first quote from this page for his upcoming manual for his Chime In game. I read the proposed material and then LOL'd. My first post in this thread is me stating how STUPID I think small talk is and he was gonna use that in his manual followed by how he feels sorry for us or some such thing.

The more I learn and experience, the more I am convinced that we really are two distinct cultures/languages.

HOLY CRAP! No way I could track all that during a conversation. I have a hard enough time with the frock'n words. Now you want me to listen for pitch heightened at the end versus beginning of the phrase? Yeah... uh... Not happening.

Here is a fascinating article on severity levels of ASD and how being severe actually HELPS a person not have as much anxiety. This is JUST as we often talk about here! So excited to find this.

http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/simons_s ... _interview

It also seems to be saying those with less severe ASD symptoms would want and have friends, and have the skills to make them succeed, and will tend to have lower anxiety symptoms. The more severe children with ASD tend to be a lower at internalizing symptoms. But the children in the middle would tend to be at greater risk.

And previous to the quote I pasted above it says~

This is interesting.

My friendships in school were in the middle there - more toward the "lacking reciprocity" side than the "only contact was with groups at school," although I had very very few friends of that nature (one in my last year at high school and we shared an interest), and most of my friendly contact with others was via drama (as I was obsessed with drama).

Most of my anxiety came from:

1) Dealing with bullies. Explicit threats spiked this, but it wasn't a constant thing.
2) Dealing with an abusive parent. This was a constant thing.
3) Dealing with new situations.

My depression was due to factors unrelated to social stuff, and didn't really come up until my 20s.

But I somehow got out of it without PTSD. I wonder if ASD relates to that in any way.

Thank you for the link.

The key take-away for me is those with more severe ASD symptoms actually suffer less from anxiety instead of more (which was expected). At some point there is a "break" from caring about people because you are so socially unaware. THAT is where I tend to live. That said I have many, many reciprocal friendships now in my later years in life. I have contacted these Doctors to see if I can talk with them RE this study as it closely matches what I suspect.

The kiddos in the middle ground of social skills are the worst ones to suffer from anxiety regarding socializing and friendships. They desire friendships but do not know how to make them. THAT is why there are so many people on here with co-morbid issues. Also explains to me why I can not relate to them. Nor can I relate to John Elder and his experiences. WAAAAAAY too socially aware for me.

Last edited by kfisherx on 24 May 2011, 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I kind of wonder if the amount I did try to socialize had to do with the fact that my hobby required other people. Oh, how that bothered me all the time. I mostly wanted to be able to do it all alone (and now, thanks to the magic of computers, I can - sadly, not as much as I used to, but still a bit).

Social anxiety's never really been a major problem for me. I thought I had it over the past few years but all my "symptoms" were AS symptoms.

That said, I am pretty oblivious to my severity. I feel normal for myself, and my therapist keeps stopping my attempts to work it out. FORTUNATELY, I have good advice for this week.

He He He.... keep us posted on that one.

You obviously have things going on other than just AS so hard to understand where one thing ends and another begins. In my personal case, it is pretty strictly AS causing any sort of issue with me and the most severe side (AKA co-morbid) is some anxiety issues. At least I think that is all I have. I am so freak'n NOT self-aware still. sigh....

I have AS, ADHD, and currently anxiety. I have depression as well, but it's not being seen at the moment. I may have a chronic pain condition, but I will know for sure on that in the near future. So yeah, a few things. I think they're largely distinct, though, except for possible overlapping executive function issues. Like my depression and anxiety comes and goes, while certain issues remain static. ADHD issues are kind of... like a lack of focus/concentration, restlessness, boredom, possible sensory issues, etc. AS issues are social and sensory, stimming, etc.

I have also been discovering how much self-awareness I haven't had. Things I just had no idea about, didn't understand, didn't know they existed to even try to understand them. Like I thought I had picked up some social skills...and I did - like managing small amounts of small talk, reciprocal conversation, and how to not monologue (but I slip on that one a lot), but there was so much I simply didn't notice or know about until I started reading about AS and paying attention in social situations. I only notice that I missed something when it's pointed out to me or is otherwise obvious.

And I mean, it doesn't really bother me that I don't know these things. It's more, I don't know how much or what severity is going on and the not knowing is frustrating.

Last edited by Verdandi on 24 May 2011, 9:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I remember high school and early 20's being much harder. I went from being oblivious to my obliviousness to 'waking up' and realizing yeah - it is just you... I did have anxiety in my 20's but it had nothing to do with my social skills or lack there of. Even though I was aware I was screwing things up I really never gave it as much thought as others seem to do. I thank my mother with all my heart for instilling a very strong sense of self and identity in me. She let me be me and, as I found out after her death, she even prevented my father and other family members from 'correcting' my personality flaws. She did teach me social skills to a point but apparently she made a strong concerted effort to let me and my personality just be - no matter how weird my family found it. She was such a wise old soul, gone much too soon.

Again, I think many of the co-morbids may have a basis in nurture just as much, if not more, than nature. If a kid is raised and constantly told how wrong most of what he does and thinks is 'wrong' how can you expect them to be a strong, self assured individual? If you constantly lower expectations and goals, guess what? They'll meet them and nothing more. Sure, some co-morbids have a basis in biology or brain function or structure but they can only be exacerbated by continuous negative input.

Last edited by draelynn on 24 May 2011, 9:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You make GREAT points. My "Little" is a pretty severe case of AS too. Yet he is WAY more anxious than I have ever been. It isn't really about social skills and friends so much from what I can tell. It is more about the fact that he knows he is "wrong" in social situations (like you are saying) due to all the training he has had. Today I was in a meeting with him and he made a face which caused the person we were talking to make a comment. I did not see the face so asked if he had made a face to clarify. He immediately piped up that he knows it was rude and apologized. I could not believe my ears. Since when is it rude to make a face? That just happens. I told him that he can make whatever faces he wants in my opinion. I just did not see it if he did and that means I do not know that he "said" something to my words. I need to hear what his issue is. He gladly then launched into his issue.... I mean, sheeesh...

To bring the topic back to the subject of my own social skills training. After last week I was really happy that I hadn't started this earlier in my life. I beat myself up pretty hard for being so stupid with this stuff until I realized/remembered that I am 47 years old and compltetly succesful already in life. I have nothing to prove...

I wonder if I can benefit from something like this? Do they teach things that only happen in real life, or do they also teach the etiquette of posting on message boards as well?

I've been wondering the same thing....if I might benefit from someone who teaches social skills. As it is, I've put my foot in my mouth far too many times for me to count over the years. As I get older, it only seems to get worse too.

That right there is one very powerful concept.

Even without your' high powered successful life of the rich and famous' ( ) no one has anything to prove to anyone else. Everyone gets the 'social thing' wrong sometimes. Sometimes spectacularly so... people are rude and insensitive without realizing it until someone else points it out to them. It is NOT just an autism trait - at least in autism it can be learned like any other subject with varying degrees of success. It is still all new and terribly exciting for you... I'm wondering how you'll feel about it in a years time. Will the novelty wear off and you just go back to what works for you, maybe with incorporating some tips and tricks that work for you? Or will you go another route - immerse yourself in being more like 'them', or, maybe rejecting it altogether... the only thing you have to prove, is, ultimately, to yourself.

I'm wondering if your 'little' would benefit from a bit of counterABA. Pointing out when and where other people also make mistakes. Maybe instead of social scripting on HIS mistakes - generalize it. Take the fingerpointing and the blame out of it. Tween tv shows on Disney channel are good for this. They make big exaggerated situations out of social cue mistakes on a regular basis. My daughter is actually learning quite a bit from iCarly. She regularly asks me exactly what is going on between characters if she doesn't get it. And when she DOES get it, she explains it to me! I would never tell her she is being rude - but I do explain why people might take her words the way they do. I would never require her to apologise for something done unintentionally.

Oh and - it's his face. He can do whatever he likes with it! Did he even make a face intentionally? Did the other person just assume his reaction from that face? A question would have been a more constructive way to approach that than a comment. Sorry... makes me angry...

The first and most important concern should be building self confidence and self esteem. It is the goal of teachers for their NT students... how did it get so off track in special ed?

Of course focus is on self esteem and empowerment. I am ALL about that. The face was unintentional and of course he can do what he wants with it! That said it wasn't a regular special ed class but I cannot go into any more detail. Net is that it did NOT go off track and the event lasted all of a few seconds. It just broke my heart that he immediately assumed he was wrong. I KNOW that feeling.

I NEVER felt like this was exciting actually and have inwardly dreaded every session so far. I also NEVER intended to take these lessons in order to change who I am. The Doctor said it best when he instructed me that this information is for me to keep in my toolbox and use when I want to use it. (see why I like this guy?) That said, I am learning more than I thought when I first decided to do this. Back then I assumed my symptoms were mild and that I would just waltz into the office and NAIL it. Boy was I off the mark there. So I will use this stuff when I want to. I can never see me changing really and becoming NT like people fear. That would be impossible. Perhaps rather I am hoping I can figure out how to improve my overall appearances when I decide that I want to be more social.

Of course now that I am bragging I am reminded that I made an EPIC small talk crash trying to do go by the rules just a few hours ago with my boy at the store. Conversation was about the "weather". Safe subject, right? Hmmm....

Boy: "Did you hear about the tornadoes? Worst ever they are saying;"
Me: "I don't have TV so have heard but don't know details" (red card laid down)
Boy: "Oh?"
Me: "How do they determine worst ever tornado?" (green card down)
Boy: "I really don't know."
Me: "Oh?" "How many square miles did it cover?" (another green card)
Boy" "I really don't know.."
Me now annoyed: "Why did you start the conversation with this topic that you know nothing about?" (another green card)
Me: "Gotta go..." (used the escape technique)

I got NOTHING to prove. (I will keep saying this all day tomorrow as I face yet another adventure in the social skills class on Thursday)