My gripes at ASpartners

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cubedemon6073
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21 Oct 2011, 8:36 pm

hanyo wrote:

Here is another one.

"I completely freaked at him, I mean screaming down the phone!! and told him to never contact me again and stay the hell away from me. He did just that and I haven't heard a word from him since. I tried several times to call and text him to apologise for my behaviour as I felt bad about my reaction to him........Nothing, Nada??"

They wouldn't be hearing from me again either.

I'm not really interested in a relationship anyways but reading that forum makes me think I should never even bother to try being involved with a nt. It just wouldn't work.

This is what my wife told me to do when saving food for her. She said to save as much for her as I would want. This does not make any sense. I've already mentioned this to league_girl. Going by this logic, if I want 100% of it I should save 100% for her. If I want 50% of it then I should save 50% for her. What if I didn't want any of it. By her logic I should save none for her. Her logical formula makes no sense. What I do is I just save her enough to make at least one meal the next day.

Anytime I have tried to implement a logical system for our food stock she gets angry. What we would do is divide up the food in half or however we wanted to divide it. We would both know who was allowed to have what. She thought I was being a facetious, controlling, a**hole. Here is the thing, I don't really truly understand how to consider her feelings like what she wants, what the algorithm is to her feelings and how to determine how much freaking food I'm allowed to have and how much to save for her.

Let's say we have a bottle of juice. How much of the bottle am I allowed to consume?

btbnnyr
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21 Oct 2011, 9:21 pm

cubedemon6073 wrote:

hanyo wrote:

Here is a post that I read and just didn't get.

"Ha, this reminds me about one day when my mother prepared 3 sandwiches for us (me and my suppodedly AS boyfriend).

It was one sandwich each and the other to share (well, share under my perspective....under his: what is the meaning of sharing?). I offered him one, he ate it no problem, then I asked him if he wanted more and ate the second sandwich by himself without even asking me if I wanted some of it and luckily I took my own one, otherwise he would have eaten it too."

I would have done the same as that guy. If she wanted half of it why didn't she say anything? Why offer something to someone if you don't want them to have it?

Plus there is the issue of germs. Was the sandwich cut in half? Was there a way to easily share it? I won't eat or drink off of the same thing as another person.

This I don't understand myself hanyo. Why offer the whole thing if she wanted some of it? It boggles my mind.

Mind-boggling and Eye-buggling.

League_Girl
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22 Oct 2011, 12:05 am

The people on ASPartners are weird . It's like they want their partners to read their mind. Offering them a sandwich and then expect them to share the half with you looks like a mind game to me You tear the sandwich in half to share it by the way.

ictus75
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22 Oct 2011, 12:57 am

cubedemon6073 wrote:

hanyo wrote:

NTs just don't realize how literal Aspies can be: "never contact me again and stay the hell away from me." Well, I'm not surprised that she can't make contact with him. HE'S DOING EXACTLY WHAT SHE TOLD HIM TO DO!

And the food thing, I just don't understand it. If you want half the sandwich, then don't give me the whole thing! Sheesh, don't expect me to guess or read your mind. Hey NTs, how much trouble would it be to just tell us what you want/mean?

ComradeKael
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22 Oct 2011, 1:07 am

Most of the post on that website make me angry. I read one where someone wanted their partner to act more like an NT and when he acted more like an NT she became even more upset. Her view was that "It's an act". It's like, "What do you want them to do?" The people there confuse Asperger's with Sociopathy. The NTs in those relationships aren't free from "Someone who plays mind games" and "lacks all empathy" when they break up, it's the other way around.

Wayne
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22 Oct 2011, 7:33 am

cubedemon6073 wrote:

hanyo wrote:

I think she means to imagine that you were her, figure out how much you-as-her would want under that circumstance, then stop imagining and give yourself-as-her as much as you-as-her wanted. Easier said than done of course.

cubedemon6073
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22 Oct 2011, 8:01 am

Wayne wrote:

cubedemon6073 wrote:

hanyo wrote:

I'm sorry but I do not understand.

Wayne
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22 Oct 2011, 8:19 am

ictus75 wrote:

cubedemon6073 wrote:

hanyo wrote:

Plus when she finally got back in touch with him, he wasn't "in a relationship" with her, had no obligation to talk with her again and, since he (understandably) had no desire to resume their relationship, didn't respond to her attempts at communication.

Meow101
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22 Oct 2011, 11:02 am

Wayne wrote:

But that "emotional crap" is itself data! It may be ambiguous and confusing, but it certainly isn't random noise. Unfortunately, when I'm blasted with it in person my mind shuts down so I generally don't learn anything that way. Reading it all in silent text that holds still is much better.

People don't say any of this stuff where I can hear them, or if they do they're personally attacking me and not at all interested in whether I understand them properly or not. ASPartners is pretty much the only place in the world where I can see it all in one place. Again, it's ambiguous and complicated as all hell, as anything is when fueled by that much raw emotion, but there is a huuuuge amount of nice juicy data in there.

Thing is, when I read something that sounds like an accusation my husband has made toward me, it shuts my mind down just as if he'd said it again. I can't process it. Constantly getting misunderstood in my relationship has made me really sensitive to that stuff. Fortunately there are books out there that I've read that have given me some direction to go with him.

~Kate

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Meow101
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22 Oct 2011, 11:05 am

cubedemon6073 wrote:

Wayne wrote:

cubedemon6073 wrote:

hanyo wrote:

I'm sorry but I do not understand.

I don't either, and this is the kind of thing (though not specifically about food) that gets me in trouble all the time. I can't read his mind as to what "his needs are" and he doesn't want to have to spell them out. Ugh.

~Kate

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Prilej pentru durere,
Caci mii de lacrimi nu-i ajung
Si tot mai multe cere.
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Jono
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22 Oct 2011, 12:06 pm

cubedemon6073 wrote:

Wayne wrote:

cubedemon6073 wrote:

hanyo wrote:

I'm sorry but I do not understand.

In other words, what she means is that she wants you to put yourself in her shoes. Forget that you only want 50% percent or don't want any of the food etc. What she wants is for you to put yourself in her place, expecting her husband to leave food for her. Now, she wants you to think about how much food you would want left for you if you were her. You can't really expect this from an aspie though, she should really just tell you how much you she wants you to leave for her.

btbnnyr
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22 Oct 2011, 2:56 pm

ictus75 wrote:

cubedemon6073 wrote:

hanyo wrote:

I think the 3 sandwiches for 2 people case is one of an NTW expecting an ASH to follow a social script and the ASH not being aware of the social script.

When an NT asks you if you want the second sandwich, the social script dictates that you are supposed to ask back if the NT wants to share it. It doesn't matter if you want the sandwich or not, you have to follow the social script to ask the question. Otherwise, you're selfish.

The ASH heard the NTW ask him if he wanted the second sandwich, and the question means to him, "Do you want all of it, because I don't want any of it?", not "Do you want to share it?" If she had wanted to share it, she should have asked, "Do you want to share it?", which is what I would ask, if I wanted some of the sandwich. Actually, I would have said more eggsacly, "Do you want half of the sandwich, and I will eat the other half?" When I ask someone "Do you want the sandwich?", I always mean, "Do you want all of the sandwich, because I don't want any of it? If I had wanted some of it, then I would have said that I wanted some of it, and I would have told you eggsacly how much of it I wanted, which would always have been half for a totally fair split between the two of us."

Stupid social scripts...I didn't know about this one either, until this example from AS Partners.

cubedemon6073
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22 Oct 2011, 3:13 pm

Jono wrote:

cubedemon6073 wrote:

Wayne wrote:

cubedemon6073 wrote:

hanyo wrote:

I'm sorry but I do not understand.

OMG, I got it. I think I cracked the code to this. In all of the time I got to know her I'm supposed to watch how much she eats and note that. After that, I'm supposed to use this information to decide how much to save for her.

I think I know what went wrong with us as aspies. A lot of the questions we ask we were supposed to have the answers to by observation. Children learn by example is one of the mottos in the NT world. http://www.ehappylife.com/custom/lessons_04.html

Here is the problem at least for me. My expectation was that it would all be taught to me in a rote manner. The problem was I was supposed to learn through my parents example meaning I was supposed to watch my parents as well as other children as well. Here is the thing. I didn't know any of this. I did not know I was supposed to learn through example. I bet neither did other aspies as well. I bet we all expected it to be taught through rote. I have a theory. I think aspies are very introspective. I think we learn through what we are told and we introspect and reflect on that. I don't think NTs do this naturally. I think they are more in tuned to their social enviroment and are more sensory. We are extreme intutitives. http://www.personalitypage.com/html/info.html

Last edited by cubedemon6073 on 22 Oct 2011, 4:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.

cubedemon6073
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22 Oct 2011, 3:15 pm

btbnnyr wrote:

ictus75 wrote:

cubedemon6073 wrote:

hanyo wrote:

I interpret this the same way.

Jono
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22 Oct 2011, 4:37 pm

ComradeKael wrote:

Yes, that's how I felt when I first read that forum. In fact, I felt more than just angry.

Meow101
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22 Oct 2011, 5:27 pm

Jono wrote:

ComradeKael wrote:

Yes, that's how I felt when I first read that forum. In fact, I felt more than just angry.

I have to stay away from it. :evil:

The expectations that the AS person read the NT's mind are waaaay too close to home for me.

~Kate

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Ce e amorul? E un lung
Prilej pentru durere,
Caci mii de lacrimi nu-i ajung
Si tot mai multe cere.
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