01 Aug 2009, 5:31 am
willmark wrote:
Feyhera wrote:
willmark wrote:
Feyhera wrote:
("I cry myself to sleep some nights. He lays there, listening, unable to help, unable to soothe me. His silence and distance stab me like a knife and I find myself wishing he would just show some mercy and leave me forever, because, for whatever reason, I cannot seem to do it myself. Oh, the pain.")
Being empathic isn't always all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes hanging out here can be very depressing.
Sorry, Willmark.
I am just trying to understand. Does it accomplish nothing to turn to him and say, "Honey please hold me."
99% of the time, I do just that. As you probably can tell, I'm not one to suffer in silence if I can see a way to fix things. But there is that painful 1% of the time, when I'm so hurt or disturbed that I'm unable to be his emotional helper in the situation and just need him to take the initiative and be my emotional helper without prompting. It's sort of like, if one has to ask their partner for flowers, then the giving of the flowers loses its heartfelt meaning and just becomes a duty -- the point of giving flowers is then lost. The dynamics involved in the origins of a caring behavior does matter. I mean, I'm laying there crying precisely because he's not emotionally available much of the time.
And I think you will find that most women feel this way, if not most people in general. We can't always tell each other, while we are not doing well ourselves, what would be the best move to make next. Later, though, like the next day or at our next counseling meeting when I'm able to be more objective, I usually do tell him how he could've handled it better. But that sometimes is the only help I can offer him.
01 Aug 2009, 5:35 am
Feyhera wrote:
willmark wrote:
Feyhera wrote:
willmark wrote:
Feyhera wrote:
("I cry myself to sleep some nights. He lays there, listening, unable to help, unable to soothe me. His silence and distance stab me like a knife and I find myself wishing he would just show some mercy and leave me forever, because, for whatever reason, I cannot seem to do it myself. Oh, the pain.")
Being empathic isn't always all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes hanging out here can be very depressing.
Sorry, Willmark.
I am just trying to understand. Does it accomplish nothing to turn to him and say, "Honey please hold me."
99% of the time, I do just that. As you probably can tell, I'm not one to suffer in silence if I can see a way to fix things. But there is that painful 1% of the time, when I'm so hurt or disturbed that I'm unable to be his emotional helper in the situation and just need him to take the initiative and be my emotional helper without prompting. It's sort of like, if one has to ask their partner for flowers, then the giving of the flowers loses its heartfelt meaning and just becomes a duty -- the point of giving flowers is then lost. The dynamics involved in the origins of a caring behavior does matter. I mean, I'm laying there crying precisely because he's not emotionally available much of the time.
And I think you will find that most women feel this way, if not most people in general. We can't always tell each other, while we are not doing well ourselves, what would be the best move to make next. Later, though, like the next day or at our next counseling meeting when I'm able to be more objective, I usually do tell him how he could've handled it better. But that sometimes is the only help I can offer him.
I've had that same problem with a lot of men I've dated who weren't Aspie (including my husband). I think the problem isn't Aspergers as much as it's a common guy thing (maybe even a people thing in general as my friends don't hug me or anything, but I wouldn't want that from girls). Maybe the problem isn't that guys aren't there for us emotionally as much as we expect them to be. I don't know. I'm just talking here, not sure where I'm going with it.
01 Aug 2009, 6:50 am
Tantybi wrote:
Feyhera wrote:
willmark wrote:
Feyhera wrote:
willmark wrote:
Feyhera wrote:
("I cry myself to sleep some nights. He lays there, listening, unable to help, unable to soothe me. His silence and distance stab me like a knife and I find myself wishing he would just show some mercy and leave me forever, because, for whatever reason, I cannot seem to do it myself. Oh, the pain.")
Being empathic isn't always all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes hanging out here can be very depressing.
Sorry, Willmark.
I am just trying to understand. Does it accomplish nothing to turn to him and say, "Honey please hold me."
99% of the time, I do just that. As you probably can tell, I'm not one to suffer in silence if I can see a way to fix things. But there is that painful 1% of the time, when I'm so hurt or disturbed that I'm unable to be his emotional helper in the situation and just need him to take the initiative and be my emotional helper without prompting. It's sort of like, if one has to ask their partner for flowers, then the giving of the flowers loses its heartfelt meaning and just becomes a duty -- the point of giving flowers is then lost. The dynamics involved in the origins of a caring behavior does matter. I mean, I'm laying there crying precisely because he's not emotionally available much of the time.
And I think you will find that most women feel this way, if not most people in general. We can't always tell each other, while we are not doing well ourselves, what would be the best move to make next. Later, though, like the next day or at our next counseling meeting when I'm able to be more objective, I usually do tell him how he could've handled it better. But that sometimes is the only help I can offer him.
I've had that same problem with a lot of men I've dated who weren't Aspie (including my husband). I think the problem isn't Aspergers as much as it's a common guy thing (maybe even a people thing in general as my friends don't hug me or anything, but I wouldn't want that from girls). Maybe the problem isn't that guys aren't there for us emotionally as much as we expect them to be. I don't know. I'm just talking here, not sure where I'm going with it.
Exactly. It is primarily a "guy thing". And I have experienced emotional clueless-ness from other guys in previous relationships. There's just that added "Mr. Spock" aspect, that AS disconnect that makes it that much more difficult for me to muddle my way through alone. Maybe this is just happening to me (us), but even if I roll over and ask for the hug, and he complies and holds me, he still really has absolutely no understanding of why holding me when I'm distraught is the right thing to do. In his world -- a world that has no room for anything new or foreign -- he seeks solitude when he's upset, so, it follows that that is what others will receive from him when they are. It's that cold, strange distance, that lack of empathy to the extreme, that brings me to these boards seeking understanding and tools. For handling this sort of thing and others...
As I'm typing this, he has put the phone on speaker and just dialed the number of an acquaintance, and as the phone starts to ring at the other end, he's just rushed past me to go to the toilet. He is now pissing in our very echo-y bathroom and I can hear a woman's voice answering. *sigh* Why doesn't he KNOW how gross that is... I've told him a thousand times... so it's also this sort of social weirdness ALL the time that just wears me out and makes it pretty tough to assert my own needs at the end of the day... wow, he just flushed the toilet and is still chatting away...
I just want to curl up and die of embarrassment...
Believe me... I'm ready to hear some advice.
01 Aug 2009, 9:21 am
""Believe me... I'm ready to hear some advice.""
Ok you asked for it.... 
Got to the store and buy a fresh bag of crunch chips.
Give Him a call from the store while eating said chips
It helps to stand outside so the wind can hit the phone.
Ask him what he would like to have for dinner ect.
Sip on a soda can, Continue eating chips,
Burp if possible
01 Aug 2009, 10:17 am
Quoting Tantybi:
Quote:
Maybe the problem isn't that guys aren't there for us emotionally as much as we expect them to be. I don't know. I'm just talking here, not sure where I'm going with it.
This is interesting. I agree. It's a guy thing for the most part, but the most interesting part of this for me is, why is it a guy thing? Or more importantly, where did/do we, females both NT and Aspie, get our expectations of how guys should behave towards gals?
My theory is we get it from reading fiction, from music, and mostly form television and movies. We (society) follow the movie "stars" and the rock "stars" and the "heroes" of classic literature and popular fiction. Their authors give us what we crave, and I feel certain that first and foremost, it's what the authors crave as well: idealized love relationships, excitement and adventure, and all the finest qualities of the main characters, both male and female that any human creature could have. We forget that these people are only performing according to scripts or lyrics that were written purposely to grab our attention, love, affection, loyalty, money - and then we're dumbfounded and seriously dismayed when our significant others don't measure up.
This is not to dismiss bad behavior or an unwillingness to be aware of a love partner's emotional needs. That has to be addressed and resolved, and one partner should not have to carry the entire load of making the relationship work. But as a personal example: My husband (NT) completely forgot our 50th wedding anniversary
a few weeks ago. I went totally berserk Warpath! 
50 freakin' years with that guy. Not even a card or a flower. Two weeks later I forgave him, not that he asked me to, but because I realized that HE'S CLUELESS! You see, sometimes I forget that he's clueless. duh. And also because feeling hurt and being angry makes me physically sick and it's just not worth it. I decided then (a little late in life don't you think?) that my happiness can not depend on my husband. Or what Brad's doing with Angelina. 
I think women tend to romanticize more than men, and while it may be true that Aspie women romanticize less than NT women, I think it would be safe to say that for the most part it's a gal thing.
Last edited by cosmiccat on 01 Aug 2009, 4:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
01 Aug 2009, 12:38 pm
01 Aug 2009, 2:00 pm
Feyhera wrote:
As I'm typing this, he has put the phone on speaker and just dialed the number of an acquaintance, and as the phone starts to ring at the other end, he's just rushed past me to go to the toilet. He is now pissing in our very echo-y bathroom and I can hear a woman's voice answering. *sigh* Why doesn't he KNOW how gross that is... I've told him a thousand times... so it's also this sort of social weirdness ALL the time that just wears me out and makes it pretty tough to assert my own needs at the end of the day... wow, he just flushed the toilet and is still chatting away...
I just want to curl up and die of embarrassment...Believe me... I'm ready to hear some advice.
I can assure you that this is not restricted to AS either. My husband does this, and I hate to say it will even take the phone into the bathroom and do his BM while talking. Sometimes he leaves the door open too. It completely grosses me out.
He just does not have the hang ups that I do regarding biological functions.
01 Aug 2009, 2:29 pm
MorbidMiss wrote:
Feyhera wrote:
As I'm typing this, he has put the phone on speaker and just dialed the number of an acquaintance, and as the phone starts to ring at the other end, he's just rushed past me to go to the toilet. He is now pissing in our very echo-y bathroom and I can hear a woman's voice answering. *sigh* Why doesn't he KNOW how gross that is... I've told him a thousand times... so it's also this sort of social weirdness ALL the time that just wears me out and makes it pretty tough to assert my own needs at the end of the day... wow, he just flushed the toilet and is still chatting away...
I just want to curl up and die of embarrassment...Believe me... I'm ready to hear some advice.
I can assure you that this is not restricted to AS either. My husband does this, and I hate to say it will even take the phone into the bathroom and do his BM while talking. Sometimes he leaves the door open too. It completely grosses me out.
He just does not have the hang ups that I do regarding biological functions.
Yea. I don't think it's an aspie/autistic thing. I'm the opposite. For #2's I prefer to have a door that locks. Multi-stall public restrooms aren't private enough for me.
02 Aug 2009, 12:03 pm
03 Aug 2009, 10:09 am
wollstonecraft
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 30 Jul 2009
Age: 73
Gender: Female
Posts: 34
Location: Philadelphia, Pa.
03 Aug 2009, 10:50 am
wollstonecraft
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 30 Jul 2009
Age: 73
Gender: Female
Posts: 34
Location: Philadelphia, Pa.
03 Aug 2009, 10:53 am
03 Aug 2009, 12:02 pm
03 Aug 2009, 2:04 pm
03 Aug 2009, 4:07 pm
04 Aug 2009, 7:51 am
